Thursday, April 05, 2007

the bar is an ass hat breeding ground

this post contains bad words. cover your eyes if you are easily offended.

so, it's about that time...

to prove my undying devotion to wtb!?, i have to tell you a story about an 'ass hat at work.'
lucky for me (???), i work at a bar, where there is never a shortage of ass-hattedness.


there is a lady who's been coming into our bar for years. to be honest, i've never liked her. i thought she was a crazy bitch the first time i saw her, but i tried to keep it to myself. i mean, i have flaws, too. and one of them happens to be being too judgemental. so, i behaved myself and awaited further input on the situation.

alas, it turned out that i was right.
not only is this lady a crazy bitch...she just might be the craziest bitch ever.
there's a specific story that i want to tell you about her, but first, of course, i have to give you the background.

to that end, i now present a list of crazy things this lady (whom we shall refer to as kim, because that is her name) has done since we were first exposed to her craziness.*

one: she walked in and sat next to my friend (who shall be known as GT) at the bar. GT is a very friendly guy, so he chatted with her for a few minutes. then he turned back to his other friends to continue whatever conversation they were having before she sat down. a while later, she tapped him on the arm and announced: either you're eating my pussy tonight, or i'm going to kick your ass. this was very frightening to my friend, because not only did he not know this lady, but he's also gay. so, you know. the chances of him being persuaded to go home and eat pussy were not high.

at first, we dismissed that behavior by convincing ourselves that she must have been really drunk. still, we started to notice that everytime she came into the bar, even when she was stone-cold sober, she was always looking for a reason to be angry with our staff...

two: once kim came in and ordered some buffalo wings. because i know that she complains about everything, i asked about a million questions as i was taking the order, to ensure that the food would come out the way she wanted it.
ie) me: ok. so you want spicy wings with a side of ranch? her: yes. and a side of blue cheese, too. me: ok, so, spicy wings with a side of ranch and a side of blue cheese. anything else? her: no. that will be all. so, i bring out the spicy wings with the ranch and the blue cheese and she throws her hands up in disgust and practically screams how hard is it to bring me a side of honey mustard?

i don't know.

where were we ?

three: then there was the time kim got mad because b.g. wouldn't give her any quarters. she asked for change for a twenty, and specifically mentioned that she was going to get up and play pool. b.g. gave her a ten, a five, and 5 ones, because there is a quarter machine RIGHT NEXT TO THE POOL TABLE, and we only get a certain amount of quarters in our bar drawer for the night. kim then started yelling at jen for not giving her any quarters, and even went so far to say: aren't you only here to serve me?

you know, i really don't even want to go on at this point...
but you really aren't going to believe the next thing that happened.
this one was only about 3 weeks ago.

four: kim came into the bar and sat down next to GT again. the poor guy.
for reasons we will never be able to understand, she started telling him about her various vibrators. apparently, she has six different models, and for some reason she thought that GT needed to know all about them: what color they were, the differences in the way they vibrated, how many batteries each one required, WHAT SHE LIKED TO DO WITH THEM, etc.
GT tried four different times to politely let kim know that he wasn't interested in hearing about her vibrators, but she didn't believe him, and would just reply oh, yes. you're interested. while giving him what she probably thought was a sexy look...i don't know. to the rest of us, it just looked crazy. finally, GT had enough. he turned to look her right in the face and said: i'm sure that your vibrators are really great, but i'm gay. so, no. i'm really not interested in hearing about them.

and then she looked at him with pure disgust on her face and said:
oh. so, now you're a fucking faggot? that's great.

***it should be noted that i wasn't at the bar when this happened. had i been there, i would have grabbed her by the hair and thrown her right the fuck out of the bar. in fact, i got totally furious again, just typing that story.***

anyhow, i suppose that leads us up to the most recent epsisode of THE CRAZY i've suffered at the hands of this woman.

last saturday, i was bartending with xtina when kim showed up. i made xtina go over and deal with her, because i am the boss of her and she must do what i say. (hi xtina! i love you!)
kim ordered a bottle of molson light, as usual.
then she went to the bathroom.
she was gone for so long, we thought maybe she had left.
she hadn't paid for her beer, but we still hoped maybe she was gone. we would have gladly eaten the $3.50, if it meant we didn't have to deal with her anymore.

sadly, she returned.
and the way that she returned is quite possibly the most ridculous thing i have ever seen.
she walked back up to the bar, but she passed the spot where she had been sitting before.
you know, the spot where her beer and her coat were sitting.
instead, she walked five stools past her preivious spot, sat down, and glared at xtina and i for 15 minutes as if she was offended that we were ignoring her.

she knew damn well that she had a beer, and she chose to sit down at a different spot so that she could pretend like she was getting bad service. oh, and i should probably mention that the bar was pretty empty at this point, because that makes the situation even more ridiculous. i mean, she was sitting and glaring at us while her beer sat 5 EMPTY stools away.

finally, my boss walked over, pushed her beer towards her and said here, kim. this is your beer.

at first, she shook her head in disgust and pushed the beer away from her.
i know.
how dare we give you your beer?
what kind of an establishment are we running?

but, after a few minutes she realized that no one was going to bite on her whole 'why are these bartenders ignoring a new bar guest' game, and she retrieved her beer and started drinking.

we had a few minutes of complete normalness.

then, some kind of blues song came on the jukebox. i wish i could tell you what it was, but i honestly have no idea. what i DO know is that this lady--who had been sitting there trying to get pissed at us for 40 minutes--all of the sudden started bursting into song.
except, not really.
because she didn't know the words.
but she was pretending to sing along, and she was really into it.

because i love you so much, i've made a re-enactment for you. here is what kim looked like as she randomly busted out with emotion to the music:
(and, really? it did look like this. because she would be sitting with a sour look on her face and then she would be 'bursting with song' for a second. and then she'd be still again. and then back to the music, and so on.)

after the music moved on to something that she wasn't feeling quite as much, she wandered over and plucked a dirty shot glass off of a table and brought it back to her spot at the bar...where she started pouring 'shots' of her beer into it, and drinking them as if they were whiskey or something.

she was also seen telling four different guys that they would have more fun if they went home with her, rather than go home with their girlfriends.

oh, and i guess i forgot to tell you guys how this lady is the ugliest scrawniest most wrinkled-up old bag of hate i've ever seen. so, you know. your girlfriend would have to be pretty bad off before you'd prefer to go home with kim.

so, yeah.
i'm sorry it took so long, but i'm calling ass hat on this lady.

and, really?
i think if she comes in again while i'm working, i'm going to refuse to serve her. because...i know i gave a lot of examples of her heinousness...but, you just aren't allowed to call someone a faggot at my bar. i really think that behavior is reason enough to ban someone. and i would really like it if i never have to see that bitch again.

*this list is in no way complete, but her craziness is too expansive for one blog post. also, i can't be bothered to plan my writing ahead of, you know. you get whatever comes to mind when i sit down and start typing.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man i totally know that woman... so heinous.

12:44 PM  
Anonymous edward wolf said...

Great story! There is only one woman like that, but she goes everywhere and I've met her a thousand times in a thousand different places.

2:14 PM  
Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

"either you're eating my pussy tonight, or i'm going to kick your ass."


That bitch needs to be in a straight jacket.

2:32 PM  
Blogger Mad Scientist said...

Say what you will, but that's gotta be the greatest pick-up line in the history of mankind.

2:51 PM  
Blogger CS said...

Oh my God, Tiffany, please consider getting a videocamera and traiing it on this woman everytime she walks in the bar.

8:06 PM  
Anonymous XTINA said...

That lady is definately a lil loco! I still think it was funny that she was pouring her beer into the shot glass as if it made it taste better or something. There was no way I was going to push her beer towards her...Mike was way to nice to her!

1:36 AM  
Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Happy Easter!

2:52 PM  
Blogger david santos said...

Thanks for you work, is very nice, have a good week.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Pete said...

that was hilarious. i'm so bitter that i've missed the last few month of blogs. but man that was funny.

7:20 PM  
Blogger Missy Allets said...

Definitely an ass-hat awards there!!

What a loose screw

11:38 AM  

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