Sunday, December 01, 2013

the space between, part I

i never thought we would end up married. there was a story i told myself about that: i thought he didn't believe in marriage because his mom is lesbian and he thought it would be wrong to engage in the practice of marriage when she would be denied...i have no idea if any of that is true. well, i know his mom is a lesbian. but, the rest? it's entirely possible that i made it up. a lot of my past is turning out to be invented, to be full of stories that i told myself to make it through days that didn't go the way i wanted. realistically, it's probably a little bit true. but i'll never ask. not now. now there is space between us. he's been in finland for years, but all this space is new. the distance didn't kill our intimacy, i did. i had to pick it up from a place inside myself that i really didn't even know was accessible, and i had to take it out, and hand it back to him. on fucking facebook, of all things. i didn't want to do it. i wanted to hold onto it forever, but i couldn't. it was killing me. and now all there is, is all this space. words float back and forth between us, of course. they always will. but they're not the same as before. they carry no weight. i have drawn a line between our two selves. i have burned the bridge that brought us to our us-ness. and though that line i drew, if represented on paper, would be as narrow as the tip on a pencil, in reality it is wider than the physical distance between detroit and helsinki.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

about a girl.

once upon a time, not really a very long time ago, but relatively speaking a sort of long time ago, whatever, the point is that once upon a time there was a girl, and the girl had a best friend. the girl and her best friend did everything together: lived together, went to school together, worked together, watched mediocre romantic comedies together, danced (poorly, for the most part) together, and laughed and cried together. they grew up together. one day the girl woke up and was going about her normal day business when: OUCH! there was a knife in her back. and her best friend was holding the handle. the wound was quite large and the girl was bleeding so much that her heart slipped right out along with the blood. it shattered into many pieces at her feet. she picked it up and hid it in her pocket, because having a broken heart sucks, but it's worse to have a broken heart that everyone knows about. so the girl kept the pieces of her heart in her pocket for a long, long while. she did not want anyone to see. she did not want anyone to know that she felt the words "sad" and "mad." and the girl stopped doing the thing she loved most, writing, because she was afraid the sad and the mad would leak into her words somehow and then everyone would know that she was hurt. and she wanted very much to not be hurt. but, she was hurt. so one day, very recently, the girl took the pieces of her heart out of her pocket and began to tape it back together. first with a piece of tape that proudly bore the word "sad," and then with a second piece of tape that said "mad." and the girl's heart began to beat again, but it was very faint. it still felt very fragile, like it might fall apart again at any second. so the girl began to wrap more tape around her heart, this time pieces with the words "faith," "hope," and "love." and her heart starting beating as loud as it wanted and she wasn't ashamed. "sad," "mad," and too fucking bad if you think it makes her weak because she also has "faith," "hope," and so much "love." and, the girl? she WILL live happily ever after. bank on it.

Friday, April 27, 2007

the day we thought would never come

um, hi.
i know you've been missing me.
i mean...
your comments yelling at me for being gone since monday...
those came out of love, right?


i wasn't going to tell you this yet...i wanted to make sure it was perfect first (or as close to perfect as possible)...
but my new blog is ready.

i haven't gone through and categorized my old posts yet, i haven't fiddled too much with the 'about' pages, and the header isn't as great as i had imagined.
but, it's it's there.

and, to be honest?
i'm feeling a little sad as i type this.
i will miss this little blogger-posting window. i mean, it only ate a post one wasn't that bad.

but, i'm moving on.
i hope you'll come with me.

i'm not going to delete this page quite yet (separation anxiety...), but if you want to see anything new, you're just going to have to CLICK RIGHT HERE

see you soon?

Friday, April 20, 2007

stuff. and also, things.

(alternate title: in which i attempt to make up for lost time.)

this may possibly be my randomest post ever.
and, yes, i'm aware that 'randomest' is not actually an actual word. i just don't care.

at any rate, here's what i have to say:

1) official progress has been officially made at my new blog. i still can't tell you where it is, but i can say that when i type in my new URL, there is actually something that exists in what was previously a completely blank server space, or whatever. now, i know many of you will be all what the eff is the problem, lady??!!?? to which i reply, i'm an idiot, that's what the problem is!! perhaps you should pay more attention, because i'm not exactly hiding that fact, people!!

for the first time in a month, progress has been made.
i expect that once i get that batman guy over here, things will begin to progress even quicklier-like.
so, hang in there.
good things are coming.
or, at least, things that don't totally suck.

i don't want to set you up for disappointment.

2) and then there's this:

being that i'm part of the team at wtb!?, it's kind-of my duty to post an ass hat entry, even though i can't win a prize.

i've been paritcipating, but, this week i just don't have time to do the work that i normally would. for instance, i would have loved to do some research and post an entry about how stupid paris hilton is, complete with one hundred frillion links to different letters and text messages that she's sent to 3 frillion different boyfriends, many of which confused words like 'they're' and 'their,' and 'your' and 'you're'...but i just wasn't able to find the time.

and, for the record?
i'm totally not being sarcastic.

i really wanted to make a case against paris hilton.

alas, i'm sure that the 'ass hat celebrity' theme will return at some point, and i will knock it out of the park.

wait for it, people.

until then, entertain yourself with the emails of another uneducated celebrity 'pretty-girl', courtesy of mamapop.
here is a picture of an email between paris hilton and lindsay lohan:

(hint: if you reallywant to read that, you can click it and it will get bigger. i think. if only all things in life were so easy.)
up first for discussion is the fact that apparently 'broughten' is now a word.
also on the table: having lots of money means you have to act like you're in high school forever?
it kind of makes me glad that i'm poor.
next time that i want a new coach bag or a pair of uggs, and i feel sad that i can't get them right away because i will have to save for a few weeks to afford them...i will just take a moment to reflect on the fact that i can spell.

and, speaking of mamapop...
have you been there?
you should totally go there, because it rules.
and so ends another chapter in the gospel of tiffness.

3) has anyone else played that taggy game where you have to show what your desktop screensaver thing looks like?
i was supposed to do this a long time ago, and i just spent 20 minutes--seriously, people, 20 minutes of my life that i will never get back--trying to figure out who demanded this of me, but i can't.
at any rate, my screensaver changes every 30 minutes, and as far as i can tell i have 7 bilion options that rotate through every now and then. to be completely honest, 98% of them are courtesy of that batman guy. but, here are the ones that i really like:

(edited to add: i have just been yelled at. apparently these things are wallpapers, not screensavers. whatever. some days i'm just glad that i can type. i can't be bothered with that nonsense. which may explain why i can't make my new blog work, but we'll deal with that later, ok?)

4) a big thank-you to miss zoot for showing me the new harry potter trailer. and, because the internet is (or should) be all about spreading the love, i now give you the new harry potter trailer, which is the awesome. the awesome what, you ask?
just the awesome. that's all.
like, you could look 'awesome' up in a dictionary and you would find this movie trailer. except, no, you wouldn't, because i just made that up.
but, i'm giddy.
you're just going to have to deal with it for now. i'm sure it will go away in a few seconds, as giddy isn't normally in my nature.

awesome = this trailer.
i may have had a few tears. but don't tell anyone.
i mean, did you catch that glimpse of bellatrix? and harry kissing cho? i may have just had a mild stroke. fuck blogher, we should just all get together to hole up for a week, watch this movie, and read the new book.
just kidding, i'm totally going to blogher. who else is going to teach me how to use the internet?
but, if anyone wants to do a harry potter party...i can't lie. i might very well be down for that as well.
p.s. i hate umbridge. and also the fact that there is only one more harry potter book ever. for all time.


ok, come back tomorrow.
this is all i have for you at this time.

Monday, April 16, 2007

and feed them on your dreams...

last night, i started writing a post about the baby shower i threw for b.g. yesterday.
actually, it wasn't really about the shower. it would be more accurate to say that it was inspired by the shower, by the multitude of baby things: tiny pink pumas, cute little dresses with those matching diaper cover thing-things, and, of course, all the practical crap like butt-wipes, car seats, bouncy seats, and the like.

it started with all of the crap that b.g. got yesterday; i just couldn't get over how such a teensy little person can require so much...stuff. and then i started thinking, even with these carloads of she going to have enough stuff? how can we reallly make sure that she's going to have everything she needs?

and then i started thinking about the bigger picture: like, material crap aside, how are we going to raise this little girl?
yes, i say we.
it takes a village, you know.

all of the sudden, i just couldn't stop thinking about b.g., and i, and all of the crap that we've helped each other through. there've been so many lessons that we had to learn the hard way: so many nights crying on the couch, so many freak-outs about things that weren't worth it, so many moments of self-doubt. thank god we were there to help each other through it. but, now, i wonder: can we raise this baby girl to be a better woman than we have been? can we give her everything she'll need so that one day she will walk out into the world with her head high, sensitive to the needs and desires and opinions of others, but still sufficiently self-confident that she will never be broken by the needs, desires, and opinions of those other people?

working in the bar, b.g. and i have been through many 'cycles' of workers. being that we work in a college town, we'll have about two years with a pretty consistent crew, and then they'll move on, and we'll get a new crew who seem like the norm after a while. but, b.g. and i? we worked there before we went to school, we worked there while we went to school, and now that we're done with school...yeah, we still work there.
(we will not discuss the possibility that going to school at all may have been an enormous waste of time and money, because some of us might still be pretending that they will actually get a job 'in their field' at some point.)
the point is:
when b.g. and i first started working at the bar, we were the young ones.
(sadly, that was over 10 years ago)
we were the ones with the overly dramatic stories of woe, and the break-ups that we thought would surely kill us, and we had the 'older girls' who already worked there to teach us the ropes. sure, they taught us how to drink, how to work a double with a hangover and only 45 minutes of sleep, and many other such things. but they were also our therapists. they listened to our stories, and they weren't phased: they had seen it all. they listened, and they gave us advice. they called us on our overly dramatic crap.
they gave us perspective.

now, b.g. and i are the 'older girls.'
(actually, we've been the 'older girls' for quite some time now)
for the past few years, we've been the ones that the younger girls come to. now, we call them on their overly dramatic bullshit, but we also try to give them strength. we try to help them be better than we were.

we try to get them to love themselves more than we have loved ourselves.

we try to give them perspective.

and, while i'm sure it is helpful...
mainly, we've learned that there is one steadfast rule that comes with being a woman: we simply refuse to learn from each others mistakes.
we insist on making them for ourselves.
now, this isn't to say that there isn't some value to trying.
when you go out there and fuck something up really bad, it is always comforting to know that you're not the only ass hat to have ever done such a thing.
it's that whole 'strength in numbers' thing, i suppose.
still, we've been frustrated many times when--no matter how convincing we were, no matter how much evidence we gave, no matter how much the object of our advice agreed with us--they simply cannot stop themselves from learning the hard way.

but, now? b.g. is about to give the world a whole new person, and i wonder: can we finally break the cycle?

can we make her love herself more than we have loved ourselves?

anyway, that's what i started writing last night.
then, today, i woke up and saw that someone had shot someone else in their dorm room at virginia tech.
at noon, i looked at the tv again, and all of the sudden they were saying that at least 20 people had been killed. shortly after, they upped the number to 32. apparently, some guy walked into a classroom and started shooting people.
and, of course, i know it's cliche, but i started thinking about how it must be the scariest thing ever, to buy all this baby stuff: a rubber duck-head thing to cover the faucet in your bathtub, baby aspirin, a car seat, a monitor for the baby's room, so you can always make sure that they're breathing, and still know that there is absolutely nothing you can really do to keep your baby safe, because it lives in a world where sometimes people get mad and go on random shooting sprees.

but, that's just the same old story, right? there's never been a baby born into a completely safe world.
we can't protect her from everything.

but, we can hopefully raise her to see the good in things, before she sees the bad.
we can teach her to love and laugh with every ounce of her being, so that any bad moments--which will inevitably come--will be at least slightly more tolerable because real love and laughter are insulators of the soul, and they can keep you strong in trying times--even if you can't summon a laugh, or even a smile, in the moment.

we can love her with our whole souls, and we can hope that she loves herself the same way.

really, if she loves herself even a little, we will have succeeded.

at any rate, i can't wait to start trying.
i can't wait to see b.g. and tim become the little family that they almost are, and i can't wait to see how much love is about to come into this world.

and you probably can't wait for me to stop it already, with the sappiness.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

in which i, again, require some help.

so, remember how my best friend is having a baby?

well, on sunday, i'm throwing a shower in her honor. and i'm very excited about it.

but, the thing is, i've been so excited thinking about things like: what will i give her as a gift? what sort of delicious treats will i serve? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHICH CHAIR SHOULD I TIE THOUSANDS OF PINK BALLOONS TO, SO I CAN MAKE HER SIT IN IT WHILE SHE OPENS HER GIFTS???
and i sort of forgot to think of anything for us to do at the shower, other than, you know, eat and open presents.
now, i don't want to get all out of hand with the stupid games that nobody ever wants to play anyway...but i am sort of thinking that we should have at least one game.

so, does anyone have any ideas?
has anyone ever been to a baby shower and played a game that was even moderately cool and/or entertaining?

i'm begging you.
dig into your inner martha stewart andcome up with an idea for me.

i have the menu planned, but if you have some kind of an amazing party recipe, i'd totally love to know that, too. if not for this particular party, it would just be awesome to have.

now, get going!
you have work to do!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

it's always something

to: jelly beller maker-type peoples
re: flavor?
from: tiffany, with the wounded palatte

dear people who make jelly bellys,

someone needs to explain why i just reached into a delicious looking bowl of colorful little jelly beans and ended up chewing on something that tasted like PINE TREE. and, not just pine tree. no, it would be remiss of me to call it anything other than CHEWY PINE TREE.

now, i have no way of knowing whose fault this is, but i can say that someone in your company definitely needs to be fired, for they clearly have no concept of what candy is meant to be: something that tastes sweet and delicious.

has anyone ever looked at a pine tree and had the urge to break off a twig and have a little snack?

i think not.

i suffered further trauma when i couldn't get the pine tree taste out of my mouth. obviously, i could not simply reach in for another bean, hoping to wash the bad flavor away. i mean, who knows what other horrors could have been waiting for me inside that bowl? i wouldn't want to wash down a pine tree bean with a motor-oil flavored bean, or some other such nonsense.

and that's why i had to eat the almod joy bar that was in the fridge.

after the taste had been significantly cleansed from my palatte, a childhood memory suddenly popped into my mind--and, what do you know, it involved another flavor-trauma that i suffered at the hands of your 'candy' company, when i innocently reached into a bowl of candy and was rewarded with a bloody mary flavored jelly bean.

now, i know that you've been rocking the whole harry potter thing, with your bertie bott's every flavor beans, and good for you! we all need to make a buck. sure, you've included flavors like 'vomit,' 'dirt,' 'earwax,' and 'rotten eggs,' but people know what they're in for when they purchase these candies. why people buy them is a mystery to me--i love harry potter as much as the next 14 year old, but there's no way in hell i would eat those beans. still, they are properly labeled, and as such you are not putting any innocent candy seekers at risk.

however, i did a little web-snooping, and i found out that the following flavors are all included in your regular assorted bean packs:

1. jalepeno
2. roasted garlic
3. baked bean
4. bacon

seriously, jelly belly peoples.
you are some sick fucks.

i recommend that you eat an entire bag of bacon and pine tree flavored beans, and see if that changes your tune any.

if you would like to chat further, you can find me scouring the candy aisles at my local target and other such places, in search of reduced-price easter candy. i'll be the one with the basket full of jolly rancher jelly beans.
those things rule.

have a nice day,