Thursday, November 30, 2006

i am tag-alicious

i've been tagged again.
mikala has commanded that i tell you all six weird things about myself.

so it has been written, and so it shall be done.
or whatever.

thing 1:
i am an ass-hat magnet.
i don't know if i am giving off some sort of scent, or something, but assholes and freaks seem to follow me wherever i go.
in almost any situation, it is a given that whoever i'm being forced to deal with will do something asshole-ish or freakish.
it cannot be stopped.

take last night, for example.
john and i went to see the new james bond movie.
knowing the force of my magnetic freak attraction, we waited for a while after the movie came out before we went to see it, because we know that packed movie theater = very bad place for a freak magnet.
initially, we thought we would be okay, because there were only 5 people in the theater, apart from the two of us.

unfortunately, we had grossly underestimated my magnetic powers.
about a third of the way into the movie, a guy's cell phone rang 2 rows behind us.
about 20 minutes later, his cell phone rang again.
and he answered it.
he answered it, people!
i thought john was going to have a stroke.
the point is, something like that happens to me almost every day.
and really, i'm thankful in some ways. i mean, what would i blog about if crazy people weren't assaulting me with their craziness all the time?

thing 2:
i am always, ALWAYS, either too hot or too cold.
i am never any kind of an ok/comfortable temperature.
i think i lack the ability to self-regulate my body temperature, or something. you know, like a snake.

thing 3:
i cannot stand the way wind feels (alhtough i like the way it sounds) and i can't stand to be wet unless i'm actually swimming or bathing or something. as soon as i get out of the shower, i have to get COMPLETELY dry as fast as possible. the feeling of a little random drop of water anywhere on my body seriously annoys the crap out of me.

thing 4:
i have very sensitive delicate little feelings. if i think that someone i care about is mad or upset with me at all for any reason whatsoever, i have a really hard time concentrating on anything else until whatever issue it might be is resolved. you know how sometimes people like to 'sleep on' a problem? there's absolutely no way in hell i could do that.
sadly, the sensitivity of my delicate little feelings sometimes leads me to imagine that people are upset with me when there is actually no problem at all.
so, that sucks, because no one likes this conversation:
-are you mad at me?
-are you sure?
-well, is something wrong?
-something is going to be wrong if you keep asking me...

ha! i've actually gotten a lot better about this whole thing. but, you know, i still catch myself thinking that people are mad at me. i just don't ask them anymore. i find that usually people will let you know, if you give them a chance.

thing 5:
i am afraid of fish, and all other types of sea-creatures. i think i'm even scared of dolphins.
fish just gross me out.
i don't eat seafood, either.
and if i think about fish while i'm eating, i'll lose my appetite.

thing 6:
i don't use capital letters when i blog, and i don't know why.
in real life, when i sign my name, i use a lower-case 't.'
but i capitalize the first letter of my last name, for some reason.

the random voicemail of mysterious weirdness returns

hey! remember that one time when i got the crazy voicemail from the random guy who told me that the last time he 'seen' he thought my name was tara?
yeah, i was confused by that, too.

anyway, the point is, he's back!!

that's right, people.
the bobster has returned.

here's what his message said, this time:

hey tiffany...
you sure do sound a lot like my friend tara.* uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhm, yeah. how long have you had this phone number?** my name is bob. give me a call back, would ya?
(insert number here) i'm trying to figure something out here.*** talk to you later.

so, does anyone want to call bob for me and let him know that just like it says on my voicemail, my name is actually tiffany, and not tara?
he seems to be really confused about the whole thing, and i don't think i can talk to him myself because i'm still upset about the piss-poor language skills that he used in the original message.

*i suppose he's guessing this by the sound of my voicemail message, which says: hey, it's tiffany. (note--i do clearly say tiffany. it doesn't sound like tara AT ALL) leave a message and i'll call you back. have a nice day.
**um, forever.
***you're not the only one, buddy.

Monday, November 27, 2006

another stupid ass-hat of the week award

i'm not a very religious person.
when my dad died, if anyone would have tried to tell me that it was god's will or something--which, i don't think anyone did--i would not hve been comforted by it. this is not to say that i don't believe in god, it just means that i'm selfish and i like to make my own plans.
sue me.*

that said, this morning i came across the headline story in the detroit free press, announcing that a seven year old girl from the area, maddie, had finally succumbed to a devastating bone cancer.
those of us who read the paper around these parts have been following her story for the past year, when her father was first told she probably wouldn't make it.

her mother had died of an apparently unrelated illness when maddie was three, so you can imagine how devastating this must have been for her poor father.
early this summer, maddie appeared to be recovering, and she even returned to school for a few days at the beginning of this year. but i guess things took a drastic turn for the worse, and she ended up dying one of those horrible, drawn-out cancer deaths that we all hope to avoid for ourselves and our loved ones.

i'm going to ask you to visit her story in the paper today, not because i want to make you depressed, but because i am so infuriated by what someone posted after it. (at the free press online, you can leave comments after articles).

even with the briefest glance at this story, one can see how deeply faithful maddie's father was, trying to ease her fear--and, at times, severe panic--at the thought of dying by explaining to her his vision of what it would be like.
he comforted her with the thought that her mother and her friends who she had lost in the cancer ward would be there waiting for her when she left her body.

and then someone--the very first person to comment, in fact--left a harsh criticism of this man's faith, instead of words of comfort.
the person's exact words were "If Jesus wanted to show his "love" he could have saved the child - give the religious crap a rest."

now, i can certainly understand the sentiment behind this statement.
if something happened to my mother, or my sister, i would not care that they were maybe with jesus. i would only be pissed that they weren't here, with me.

and i think that's because faith requires strength. a strength which i lack, most of the time.

still, it seems to me that it's a terrible day when someone leaves a comment like this after reading this kind of story.
few of us can actually imagine the pain that this man's life has become--first losing his wife, and then his daughter.
he has found a way--through his faith--to keep going somehow.
even if we can't agree about the nature of faith, can't we agree that it's a good thing that he has his?

does it seem like the right thing to do, to make such a hateful and negative statement at a time like this?

so, mister/miss/mrs. leaver-of-hate-mail, because not only can you not respect the belief system's of others, but you also feel compelled to throw hatred in the face of a man suffering the worse sort of grief, you have been awarded the stupid ass-hat of the week award. and it's only monday! that takes real ass-hat-ness.
i hope you're proud of yourself.

*and also know that i say this with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek.

~i should add now that i went back to the site, and the comment of hate in question has been removed. which brings up a whole new slew of questioning. but, anyway, the ass-hat who originally posted it is still out there somewhere, and is, indeed, still an ass-hat.~

Thursday, November 23, 2006

greetings from utah


i am in utah! and my hair is dirty. doesn't it look pretty?

i had to go for a walk on the mountain because this is what the kitchen counter looks like.

bad news.

how is everyone else's thanksgiving going?

p.s. this is what my butt may look like by the end of the week.*

*and in case you're interested, i found this lovely piece of art at t.j.maxx.

how you can tell that you're hanging out with my family

~overheard shortly before dinner tonight~

me: so, what's the name of this red wine that i'm actually liking?

aunt mary: i know! i'm liking it, too, and i'm so excited because normally i don't like red wine at all. and, you know, red wine is actually kind-of good for you.

tom 3: is it as good for you as vodka?

me: i seriously doubt that.

aunt mary: speaking of vodka, where's papa?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

because myspace and text messaging have joined together to destroy proper grammar the world over

Your Language Arts Grade: 100%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz

thanks, lady s!

i'm not dead yet

omg, you guys! my plane totally didn't crash!!!!

hooray for not being dead!
and now i'm in park city, which is very fabulous, indeed.
but i will provide evidence of that later. like, tomorrow morning, or something.

for now i will tell you of the things other than crashing which did go wrong on the plane today.*

thing one, which i will transcribe exactly the way i wrote it while i was actually on the plane, approximately 3 and a half minutes before the xanax knocked me out for a solid two hours.

is there a reason why our tickets should cost the same as everyone else's when we get half of the space? the people behind us are in an exit row, and it looks mighty spacious. the guy behind me looks like he's at least 6'2, and he's got a solid six or seven inches between his knees and the seat in front of him. still, to me, that's okay because i guess these days they're charging more for those seats.
the problem is this: i'm seated in the row in front of the exit row. where apparently 'federal regulation 121.310(f) prohibits my seat from reclining due to escape hatch route clearance aft of seat.'
this is pissing me off for several reasons.
1. the people in the row in front of me are still allowed to recline their seats to their hearts content. which means that as i write this, i am sitting so upright that i am nearly inverted, and the distance between the tip of my nose and the back of the seat in front of me is approximately 2.1 inches. if i put my hand at the end of my nose, i have to make a fist to keep from pushing into the chair.
it blows.
but it doesn't blow as much as the fact that the seat is so close to me that anytime i shift my weight in the slightest the woman in front of me turns around and gives me a huffy sigh. she's just rubbing it in the IN HER SEAT IT'S ACTUALLY POSSIBLE TO BREATHE.
2. do we really even need an escape hatch? guess what, people. if the plane crashes, we're all going to die. so let's stop worrying about row nine not being able to recline 'just in case...' and install some hot tubs and couches in this S.O.B. and call it a day.

thing two which happened when the xanax REAllY kicked in (yes, it gets worse than it was in the description of thing one).

so, apparently i wrote that little piece of bitchery in the first few minutes after the plane took off, and then proceeded to promptly fall asleep. i kind of remember going to sleep. i had my coat sort of pulled up over me, and one of those airplane pillows sort of stuck under my chin. i was sitting on the aisle, with my two littlest sisters in the row with me.
i woke up two hours later with drool on my sweatshirt, an airplane pillowcase on my lap--but no airplane pillow to be seen, and my coat on the floor in the aisle about two rows behind me. as i was re-orienting myself with the world of non-drugged people, the first thing i heard was the main flight attendant come on the speaker and say 'ok, we're going to come through with the beverage cart again, so if everyone could try to make sure that their arms and legs are out of the aisle, that would be great.'
why did i get the feeling she was giving this warning because of me?

and, more importantly, what the heck were my little sisters doing as i apparently embarrassed myself in my sleep?
thanks guys!!!

but, anyway.
the point is, i'm here.
in one piece.

let the relaxation begin.

*none of which resulted in my death.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

the fear which shall not be mentioned

you guys know how i always complain about flying on airplanes?

well, even though i try to find other things to complain about, like ticket prices and nonsensical things like having a lay-over in atlanta on your way from detroit to salt lake city, the truth is that i am just absolutely terrified of flying.

don't get me wrong, i still do it--probably more than the average person, in fact.
and for most of my life, it wasn't a problem. i mean, i was never particularly fond of the taking off part, but flying was overall a worry-less thing which resulted in me getting off a plane in someplace much more enjoyable than michigan.

but somehow, that's all changed.
and no, it's not because of terrorists.
i mean, sure. i have a little bit of fear that my plane could be taken over and blown up by terrorists, but in the grand scheme of things that scenario is just one piece in a million piece puzzle of things-which-could-go-wrong-on-an-airplane-resulting-in-my-death.

the point is, i'm flying on tuesday--to park city, where fun and enjoyable things will occur.
i haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights.
i'll probably cry all day tomorrow. and then on tuesday morning i'll consume eleven tons of xanax, and my little sisters will have to lead me onto the airplane, because i will pretty much be sleep walking.

so, yeah.
this sucks.
and i'm only telling you all because i know that while this is the most horrifying thing in the world to me, it's probably pretty funny to all of you sane people out there.
damn you, sane people.

an open letter to the kiosk people at the mall

to: kiosk mall worker type people; specifically, the guy who works at the dead sea salt producty kiosk thing.
from: tiffany
re: the unbearable annoying-ness

dear guy who loves products made of dead sea salt,
i understand that you have many 'good' products to sell. i understand that dead sea salt apparently has many health advantages and is good for the skin. i know this because you have insisted on giving me the same lecture EVERY TIME I'VE COME TO THE MALL FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS.
on a few occasions, you have actually convinced me to purchase something from you. the manicure set? with that lovely lotion and cuticle oil and crazy nail-buffer-thing? it was great. the problem is that i don't actually give a crap about my nails and my hands. i think i actually used the set once--and my nails and hands were indeed lovely. still, even though i never really got my money out of the product, i considered it a solid investment because whenever i would walk by you or one of your brethren at the mall, i could defend myself. as one of you would grab my hand and attempt to squirt lotion on it WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION, i could snatch my hand away and explain politely that i already had that product, as i walked away to shop for things THAT I ACTUALLY WANTED.
lately, this method has not been working.
today, i walked by you, and as usual you grabbed my hand. as usual, i tried to remove my hand from your aggressive grasp, explaining that i already had that lotion. still grasping my hand, you put the lotion you were holding down and picked up another product. i really just wanted you to stop touching me. but all you cared about was your lotion. finally i told you that i didn't have any extra money to spend, and you let me walk away.
unfortunately, i had to walk by you again on my way out of the mall. i don't think you recognized me because you GRABBED MY HAND AGAIN, even though i was talking on the phone to someone that i called specifically so i could look busy when i walked by you. in case you were wondering, it is very rude to try to talk to someone when they are on the phone--almost as rude as grabbing someone's hand and squirting lotion on it.
in closing, i would like to say please leave me the fuck alone from now on. if i want to purchase any dead sea salt products, i will simply walk up to your kiosk and ask you. i am a grown up and am quite capable of deciding what i want and making purchases on my own. while i respect the fact that you are trying to be a successful salesman, i find that respect negated by the lack of respect that you show for the women who you randomly grab as they walk through the mall. if you touch me again, i may kick you in the balls, or hit you upside the head with my purse or something. i have been nice to you for five years, but now i've had enough. i am putting my foot down.

please leave me the fuck alone, and have a happy holiday season.
thanks for your time,

Thursday, November 16, 2006

the vinny and tiffany monty python tribute band

last night i came to work and very quickly realized that i was not all about bartending that day. come to think of it, i can't remember ever having been all about bartending. which is unfortunate, since bartending has been my job for 10 years. anyway, the point is, i did not want to work last night.


at 6:35 p.m. i sent my friend vinny (aka big furry bear) a text message that said:
hey, wanna close the bar tonight?*

he did not answer me.
i wouldn't have answered me, either.

so then, at 7:30 i sent him a another text message which said fine. but i'm farting in your general direction.

and that was when we lost our minds for a second, and this happened...

vinny: are you taunting me a second time?

me: yes, but you turned me into a newt.

vinny: a newt? have you seen any knights who say 'ni' running around? i hear they've been spotted in ann arbor.

~real life interruption~

the phone: ring, ring, ring.

me: the (insert name of sportsbar here).

vinny: NONE SHALL PASS!!!!(hangs up on me)

me: (giggling uncontrollably)

bar guests: (inwardly) i think something may be seriously wrong with this girl.

~end real life interruption, return to text messaging, which is far more fun than bartending~

vinny: how do you think i got this outrageous french accent?

vinny: time to rent Holy Grail. SNAP!

me: snapalicious

me again, because i DO NOT know when to give up: are there any women here today?

vinny: um...that's the wrong movie :-)

me: i can see you repressing me

vinny: the ministry of silly walks

me: i don't know that one

vinny: how not 2b seen. the twit of the year contest. all are from flying circus

me: listen, i came here for an argument, and this is just contradiction.

vinny: i'll have the spam spam spam spam eggs spam and spam. oh i'm sorry we're out of spam.

me: perhaps you should try the crunchy frog.

~real life interrupts again, because vinny shows up at the bar, no more texting until...~

(3:30 am)

vinny: elderberries!!! hahahahaha!

me: don't talk about your balls that way

*this was somewhat ridiculous, because the shift starts at 6 p.m. and people ususally like to have some advance notice about the whole working thing.

the least funny joke i've heard in a long time

so, tonight i was bartending and one of my favorite regulars, A.J., came in and sat down.
as i poured him his usual--a bud and a shot of jager--he said hey tiffany, did you hear about the new o.j. simpson book?'

i hadn't heard of any such thing, so i said 'no.'

he said, 'yeah, i guess it's coming out next week. it's called If Did It This is How it Happened.'

i laughed and went away to pour another drink or something.
a few minutes later, i was flipping through the newspaper and i saw an article about a new oj simpson book.
a new oj simpson book called If I Did it This is How it Happened.

silly me.
when A.J. told me about the book, I THOUGHT HE WAS KIDDING.
because, seriously.
what part of someone walking into a bar and telling you that o.j. simpson wrote a book called 'if i did it this is how it happened' doesn't sound like a joke?

i seriously CANNOT believe this book is being published and will soon be putting money in the pocket of this man.
i think i will probably have more to say about this later, but for now i'm just going to take a deep breath and shake my head in despair as i think about the really dark and despicable side of humanity that this man--who has written a 'hypothetical' book about how he murdered the mother of his children--is so proudly representing.

that sound you hear?
it's me sighing.
really loudly.

Monday, November 13, 2006

enough said.

i know you all are probably bored silly with the political commenary around here lately.

the internet: man, i've been reading tiffany's blog for a while, and for two years it was nothing but tales of drunkeness and bitchy bartending rants. now all of the sudden she's talked about politics, like, 4 times in 2 months. wtf?

tiffany: i know, but i REALLY couldn't resist this picture. more mindlessness to come. i promise.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

you know you're getting old when this is your friday night.

the internet: tiffany? is that you? what are you doing here at midnight on a friday? shouldn't you be blacked out and spending money you don't have at a bar somewhere?

me: please do not talk to me about drinking. ever. again.

the internet: spill it, girl. what happened to you last night?

me: i went over to my favorite ex-professor's house for dinner.

the internet: and?

me: well, i had a few drinks there, and then i had to stop at work to pick something up on the way home. some of my friends were out, so i had a drink with them there, and to be honest--that's when things start to get a little fuzzy.

the internet: *smirking*

me: all i know is that i really wasn't planning on being out and about. i mean, i was wearing a fleece hoodie and some pajama pants that were covered in paint stains from when we remodeled the restaurant. i had a grand total of $3 in my purse. but then my drunk friend mel was all 'don't worry, i have money,' and i was all 'free drinks are good!'

the internet: well, free drinks ARE good.

me: sometimes.

the internet: too many free drinks, then?

me: all i know is all of the sudden it was midnight and i brilliantly decided that i should go home because i had to work in the morning. so, apparently at midnight my brain was still functioning in at least some kind of reasonable way. so, i walked five minutes from the bar i was at, back to the bar i work at. apparently in that five minutes i became the drunkest person on the planet, because when i got back to my bar i was found banging on the window and trying to convince people to come let me into the bar, which i thought was closed for some reason. i think i was actually yelling 'for the love of god, just let me in...i work here!'*

the internet: *nearly pees itself imagining the ridiculous sight.'

me: yeah, it wasn't good. i just hope right now someone else is getting really drunk and making an idiot of themselves so by tomorrow everyone will have forgotten about me.

the internet: you know what's really funny about this whole thing?

me: the fact that i just stopped puking a few hours ago?

the internet: no. the fact that your last blog post was all about how to NOT make an idiot out of yourself at the bar.

me: yeah. irony is a whore.

*this is especially ridiculous because i actually have keys to the bar. so, you know, had it actually been closed, WHICH IT TOTALLY WASN'T BECAUSE IT WAS ONLY MIDNIGHT, i would have been able to let myself in.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

as i'm sure you're all well aware--you have been taking notes, no?--i am a bartender. and i have worked in the bar for a long time.

last friday, i was bartending the day shift.
at my bar, the bartender is the only person working--other than one cook--between the hours of 2 and 4 p.m.
it's just not a busy time.

but last friday, at 3 p.m., twenty people walked in without a reservation. at the time, i was already waiting on 5 different tables who were all in different stages of the dining process, and i also had 6 or 7 bar guests. so, this twenty-top really complicated things.
everything turned out alright, of course, BECAUSE I RULE.
but i was still a little irritated, because seriously, who comes into ANY restaurant at ANY time with TWENTY PEOPLE, BUT NO RESERVATION, AND THINKS THAT IT'S A GOOD IDEA?

but then i caught myself thinking about the time that omaha jen had a case of the retardedness at lunch, and i had to take a deep breath.

now i'm really interested in knowing exactly what it is fair to expect of restaurant guests--you know, the kind who have never worked in a restaurant. like, obviously i know that you shouldn't take twenty people out without a reservation. but it is fair of me to expect the average person to know that?

i mean, i refuse to believe that it's ok for people to come into a restaurant--at least one that's built for the average 'everyday' person--and be highly demanding and rude and generally asshole-ish.
but, i'm willing to consider that maybe i've been a bit too hard on people as well.

so, below i'm going to post a little (?) list of 'rules' that b.g.'s boyfriend posted about how to behave in a bar/restaurant. it should be noted that some of these are more rules for drinking with your friends, and don't really have anything to do with the way you should interact with the staff. also,i'm going to change them as i see fit, because it is my blog after all. anyway, the point is that i think it would be awesome if any of you who don't work 'in the biz' would share with me any major flaws that you see in the way that we expect people to behave.

it should be a fun little learning experience all around!

yay for learning!
here we go:

1. do not enter a restaurant and expect a table for 6 or more people without a reservation.

2. do not ask for separate checks for parties of 6 or more. if you are in a smaller party and will require separate checks, make sure to let your server know BEFORE ordering your food.

3. never touch your waitperson. EVER!!!!!

4. i don't care how bad you need a side of mayo or an extra napkin, NEVER walk up to your waitperson and interrupt him/her while they are engaged at another table. EVER. seriously.

5. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails. (this one i agree is just THE POLITE thing to do, but not a stead-fast rule. at least not at my bar.)

6. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile; do not get the bartender's attention by waving money around, yelling (especially if he/she is talking someone's order or has his/her back to you), slamming your glass on the bar, whistling at, or touching the bartender.

7. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

8. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

9. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

10. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

11. If she buys you a drink, she likes you. or she might just be being polite because you bought her a drink and she's returning the favor. women are mysterious. deal with it.

12. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

13. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

14. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

15. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

16. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

17. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

18. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

19. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

19. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.*

20. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up.

21. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

22. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

23. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

24. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

25. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

26. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

27. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

28. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

29. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

30. If you hesitate more than five seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink. it is extremely rude to stand at the bar looking like you're about to have a stroke from the anxiety of whether you will be waited on next or not, and then not know what you want to order when the bartender gets to you.

31. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

32. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

33. 15% is the new %10.

so, i guess that's it for now.
although, you know as soon as i hit publish i'm going to think of 6 new things.

anyway, what say you?

*this makes me really happy, because i think it's true.

another voicemail

one of my best friends of all time, erika, lives in denver.

normally, this is a fact that makes me quite sad.
but today i got a voicemail from erika, which went like this:

i just wanted to call you and tell you that it's, like, 11 a.m. here and i'm still...probably drunk and i'm most definitely the most hungover person on earth right now and i thought you, of all people, could truly, truly appreciate that. i think that if we would have been together last night we would probably have had to make-out at the bar,* and i most definitely would have tried to make you make-out with my boyfriend. ugh. talk to you later.

so, while i'm still very sad that i don't get to see my friend very often, i would like to take this moment to admit that--had we continued to live in the same state, we may or may not have survived to this ripe, old age of 28. it's really a toss-up.

erika, i miss you and i hope you're feeling better by now.

*it has been alleged that, when we were much younger, erika and i used to be those annoying girls that would kiss each other at the bar in order to secure free drinks from horny young men. there may or may not be pictoral evidence to support these allegations. but, of course, i'll never tell.

Monday, November 06, 2006

because i just don't think it's all that complicated

i've kind of stayed out of the whole election business this time around. i mean, i'm going to vote, obviously. but i haven't been engaging in arguments with people who are eager to call me a traitor because i'm not a republican, or involving myself in any other sorts of stressful election-related festivities.

i decided a long time ago to stop debating politics with people, for the most part. i have my political views, and i have friends and acquaintances who fall all over the political spectrum. as far as i can tell, none of us is any kind of a political expert. so, i try to just kind of keep to myself.

it's kind of like this...
i support affirmative action. if you don't? you may have a valid reason. it's entirely possible that neither one of us is in the wrong. so, i'll just go and vote for what i think and you can go vote for what you think and we'll call it a day.

but then i saw this little clip of bill maher giving 'advice' to members of the democratic party, and i really wanted to share it with all of you.
and i know that some of you may disagree. that's okay.
it's fantastic, even.

but, to me, in this election, it really is this simple.
to me, the things that george w. has done to america by imposing his 'with us or against us' bumper sticker mentality upon a society which has thrived until now specifically BECAUSE OF IT'S PLURALITY make almost all other political arguments inconsequential.
and i know we're not voting for bush in this election.
but if you think that the outcome won't matter, you're wrong.

to me, it is as simple as bill maher's advice, which you can see below.
and i really hope that tomorrow my vote will matter more than it did two years ago.

in which i surprise myself

remember when i talked about some of the things my mom taught me? like, "say please and thank-you, wash your hands, and for heaven's sake don't pick up hitch-hikers?"

well, today i broke one of those rules.

i was driving home from work. it was about 3 am.
just before the entrance to my apartment complex, i passed a woman who was sort of hobbling along the side of the road. i got a really good look at her, because i had already slowed down for the turn into the complex, which is how i noticed that she glanced at my car with a look of--well, it can only be described as a sort of suspicious fear.

and i have no idea what came over me, but i pulled over to see if she needed some help.

i didn't even think about it for one second.

i am really surprised that i did this.
now, let me be clear that i would NEVER have stopped to pick up a man who was walking on the side of the road. i wouldn't say that i live in the ghetto, but i don't live in the greatest area, either. i've seen several reports in the paper of women who got their purses stolen in the parking lots of my apartment complex.* so, even though there is a tiny little piece of me that feels like a bad person, it is true that i would definitely not let a strange man into my car.**
still, it surprises me that i stopped to help the woman without even thinking about it AT ALL. because, you know, women are capable of evil and maliciousness just as much as men are. and this woman was definitely bigger than me. although, she was bigger than me in a way which probably would have been more of a hinderence to her, had she desired to harm me in some way.

anyhow, as it turns out, she didn't have any desire to hurt me.
she didn't speak much english--i think she was some flavor of african but i'm only guessing because she was black and she had on some kind of tribal flavored clothing, but for all i know she could be from sweden and just likes to wear robes. the world is a crazy place. you just never know what you're going to get.
wherever she was from, she just needed a ride to her car, which was about 2 miles up the road.
while i couldn't understand most of what she was saying--and she was saying a lot of something--i did catch the part where she said 'thank-you' and 'god bless you' about 500 times.

and, if you'll pardon the cheesey interruption in what's normally a very cynical and malcontented blog, i was really overcome with a feeling of some kind of goodness. let me be clear--it wasn't a feeling of being a good person, it was just a good feeling. like, a REALLY good feeling of the type one doesn't normally come across while bartending.

so, anyway, that's the story.
i picked up a hitchhiker.
i wasn't chopped into a million pieces and tossed on the side of the road.
the end.

*attn: any crazy people living in my apartment complex who may read this blog. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STEAL MY PURSE! it is a coach purse and it was a present and i love it and i will fight you for it and i don't think you want to end up going to jail because you accidentally killed some poor girl for her purse which probably only has $13 and a maxed out credit card in it anyway thank-you very much.
**once someone asked me, 'tiffany, what if that hitchhiker who you leave on the road is actually jesus in disguise, testing you to see if you're a good person or not?'
to which i say, PLEASE! i think jesus is well aware of the dangerous state of the world today and respects my desire to keep my body in one piece because, life is a gift, people! if jesus has any questions about the state of my soul, i trust he would find a sneakier way to test me than the hitchhiking thing. and let's just hope it doesn't involve reading this blog.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

because i'm not feeling compelled to write anything else

i'm stealing this from lady s, because i have nothing interesting to say at the moment, and also because i know some of you also enjoy the opportunity to blog without actually having to think of anything for yourselves.
(ahem...steph? i'm talking to you. and also you, jen.)


here's this list thing, and i guess you're supposed to 'boldify' or in some other way make clear which things you've done.
so here's my list.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink i did this twice. on both occassions it was an idea that i later regretted. because drinks are not free.
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain. hmmmm. no, i haven't climbed a mountain. but i do enjoy staying with my aunt and uncle who have a house on top of a mountain.
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it sadly, i've also said it quite a few times when i didn't mean it. or, when i thought i meant it but quickly realized i was wrong.
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea ha! this reminds me of a funny story to tell you later.
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (and survived the crush afterwards) but i barely survived the hangover i had the next day.
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars it was an accident, though. don't ask.
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity of course, it doesn't take much to be 'more than i can afford.' like one time i gave a few dollars to a man playing drums on the street, and my friend said 'tiffany, put your money away. you're one paycheck away from needing to beg for money yourself.'
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe.
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving Worst Thing Ever.
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke and i would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who was there.
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football and won, because i rule.
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater my dad used to take me all the time when i was little.
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch they weren't very good, though.
78. Won first prize in a costume contestfor being a 'survivor of the titanic' for halloween when i was in 5th grade.
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice um, no. but i have ridden a gondola at the venetian hotel in las vegas.
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River i have been white water rafting, but i don't know the name of the river. it was in west virginia, and it was scary. that's all i know.
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently mais, ne pas plus. or something like that.
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over however, i do often want to do this. erika? are you ready for me?
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking as long as they can't HEAR me, we're all good.
103. Had plastic surgery i would like some, though.
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane bah!!! noooooooo!
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart sorry bout that.
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone i broke a bone in my foot falling into a hole that was about 2 inches deep. i am a dumbass.
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse this is not something that i'm good at.
119. Had major surgery depends on what you call 'major.' i've had tubes put in my ears twice, and i've had my tonsils out. but i don't think that counts.
120. Had a snake as a pet but my sister did. she's weird.
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours it's called mono. and it sucks.
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach not by choice, of course.
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes i've also seen the movie 50 million times.
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey hello, my name is tiffany, and i majored in literature.
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions so far...
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care almost had to once, but then he died. and dead people don't need hospice care. and not, that's not funny. but it's true.
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you apparently i was much more talented as a child than i am now.
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

so, how about you?
what have you done?

come on, you know you want to tell me. seriously, people. i'm bored. give me something to read. i'm begging you.

Friday, November 03, 2006


i hate it when i'm trying to go to bed at a decent hour, because i have to work in the morning, and a really good movie is on t.v.

i mean, sure.
i've seen almost famous about 57 hundred times.

but i'm totally about to watch it again.
even though i own the dvd.

and, yes.
i will regret this decision in the morning.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

tiffany goes to the dollar store

today i went to a 'dollar store' for the first time in my life.
i wouldn't say that i had been particularly avoiding dollar stores until now, it's just that--knowing how i like to frivolously piss my money into the wind as quickly as possible--i haven't ended up in one.

until today.
today, when i found myself so successful at pissing my money into the wind that it became necessary to roll the massive amounts of coins that are stashed in various places around my bedroom, so that they could be relocated to the bank, in order to be pissed away with the rest of my money.
but, whatever.

the point is, i needed those paper thingers that you roll change in.
i went to meijer--no paper coin roller thing-things.
i went to target--none there either.
then i went to staple's, but on the way in i was overcome with curiosity and i went into the dollar store next door.

here is what i learned:
1. a lot of really ugly crap exists in the world, and most of it is at the dollar store.
2. aside from the really ugly crap, there also seems to be a lot of useful things at the dollar store. although, i really don't know who decided that they needed to make the same mouthwash in every color you could possibly imagine.
3. not everything at the dollar store costs one dollar. although i didn't see anything that cost more than two dollars.
4. people in various states of cleanliness are allowed to sleep on the floor at the dollar store.
5. the dollar store sells vitamin water for the lowest price i've ever seen. and that rules.
6. you can buy a pregnancy test at the dollar store.*

and, best of all...
7. the dollar store has those paper coin roller thing-things.

so anyway.
that was my adventure for the day.
what was yours?

*this just seemed sad.

a sidenote

today is the two year anniversary of one of the very saddest days of my life.

glossary of terms

so, i thought all of you were studiously laboring over my blog, reading each entry muliple times and taking notes.


so here's the deal:

it didn't occur to me until i'd had this blog for a while that maybe i shouldn't have told the internet what my actual name is, and where i live, and all that.
like, you know PWT, who's first on my links list? i've been reading her blog for over a year and i have no freaking idea what her name actually is. because she is smart.

anyway, the point is that i decided to give my friends nicknames when i talked about them here, so they wouldn't get mad at me for telling the internet their names.
this has worked with mixed results, because i'm sure that i have used their actual names many times.
i just try not to.

but, just to get you all caught up, b.g. is short for 'baby girl,' who is my roommate/best friend/pseudo-sister. and no, i did not give her that nickname. and no, i'm not going to tell you how she got it. b.j. is what we call my actual sister. and no, it's not short for 'blow job.' i've already said that my friend vinny is the big furry bear. i'm not protecting his identity--we just really think it's fun to say 'big furry bear.'
oh, and lamamala is my mother.
i actually call her mommala, but she is dumb and/or refuses to get it right, so she refers to herself as 'lamamala.'

anyway, this is all really pointless because i always slip and say people's real names. kind of like how i go out of my way to say i work at 'a sports bar in ann arbor,' but then i post a picture of myself wearing a shirt with the bar's logo on it, and sometimes even provide links to the bar's myspace.

but, come on.
you guys know i'm not terribly bright.
i think that's why you love me so damn much.