the internet: tiffany? is that you? what are you doing here at midnight on a friday? shouldn't you be blacked out and spending money you don't have at a bar somewhere?
me: please do not talk to me about drinking. ever. again.
the internet: spill it, girl. what happened to you last night?
me: i went over to my favorite ex-professor's house for dinner.
the internet: and?
me: well, i had a few drinks there, and then i had to stop at work to pick something up on the way home. some of my friends were out, so i had a drink with them there, and to be honest--that's when things start to get a little fuzzy.
the internet: *smirking*
me: all i know is that i really wasn't planning on being out and about. i mean, i was wearing a fleece hoodie and some pajama pants that were covered in paint stains from when we remodeled the restaurant. i had a grand total of $3 in my purse. but then my drunk friend mel was all 'don't worry, i have money,' and i was all 'free drinks are good!'
the internet: well, free drinks ARE good.
the internet: too many free drinks, then?
me: all i know is all of the sudden it was midnight and i brilliantly decided that i should go home because i had to work in the morning. so, apparently at midnight my brain was still functioning in at least some kind of reasonable way. so, i walked five minutes from the bar i was at, back to the bar i work at. apparently in that five minutes i became the drunkest person on the planet, because when i got back to my bar i was found banging on the window and trying to convince people to come let me into the bar, which i thought was closed for some reason. i think i was actually yelling 'for the love of god, just let me in...i work here!'*
the internet: *nearly pees itself imagining the ridiculous sight.'
me: yeah, it wasn't good. i just hope right now someone else is getting really drunk and making an idiot of themselves so by tomorrow everyone will have forgotten about me.
the internet: you know what's really funny about this whole thing?
me: the fact that i just stopped puking a few hours ago?
the internet: no. the fact that your last blog post was all about how to NOT make an idiot out of yourself at the bar.
me: yeah. irony is a whore.
*this is especially ridiculous because i actually have keys to the bar. so, you know, had it actually been closed, WHICH IT TOTALLY WASN'T BECAUSE IT WAS ONLY MIDNIGHT, i would have been able to let myself in.