Sunday, December 01, 2013

the space between, part I

i never thought we would end up married. there was a story i told myself about that: i thought he didn't believe in marriage because his mom is lesbian and he thought it would be wrong to engage in the practice of marriage when she would be denied...i have no idea if any of that is true. well, i know his mom is a lesbian. but, the rest? it's entirely possible that i made it up. a lot of my past is turning out to be invented, to be full of stories that i told myself to make it through days that didn't go the way i wanted. realistically, it's probably a little bit true. but i'll never ask. not now. now there is space between us. he's been in finland for years, but all this space is new. the distance didn't kill our intimacy, i did. i had to pick it up from a place inside myself that i really didn't even know was accessible, and i had to take it out, and hand it back to him. on fucking facebook, of all things. i didn't want to do it. i wanted to hold onto it forever, but i couldn't. it was killing me. and now all there is, is all this space. words float back and forth between us, of course. they always will. but they're not the same as before. they carry no weight. i have drawn a line between our two selves. i have burned the bridge that brought us to our us-ness. and though that line i drew, if represented on paper, would be as narrow as the tip on a pencil, in reality it is wider than the physical distance between detroit and helsinki.


Blogger Aimee said...

I'm not sure what to say except heartbreaking and beautiful. I'm very glad you're writing again! When I read what you write I feel like a hack, which means I like it, I really like it.

4:10 PM  
Blogger Jen!! said...

I'm glad you're writing again. I was so excited when a new post of yours popped up on my Feedly. I totally squee'd. And I hope this is cathartic for you, even if it's just a bit. I found you on the tweeters as well and followed ya. Stalky, stalky. :D

8:24 PM  

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