to: jelly beller maker-type peoples
from: tiffany, with the wounded palatte
dear people who make jelly bellys,
someone needs to explain why i just reached into a delicious looking bowl of colorful little jelly beans and ended up chewing on something that tasted like PINE TREE. and, not just pine tree. no, it would be remiss of me to call it anything other than CHEWY PINE TREE.
now, i have no way of knowing whose fault this is, but i can say that someone in your company definitely needs to be fired, for they clearly have no concept of what candy is meant to be: something that tastes sweet and delicious.
has anyone ever looked at a pine tree and had the urge to break off a twig and have a little snack?
i think not.
i suffered further trauma when i couldn't get the pine tree taste out of my mouth. obviously, i could not simply reach in for another bean, hoping to wash the bad flavor away. i mean, who knows what other horrors could have been waiting for me inside that bowl? i wouldn't want to wash down a pine tree bean with a motor-oil flavored bean, or some other such nonsense.
and that's why i had to eat the almod joy bar that was in the fridge.
after the taste had been significantly cleansed from my palatte, a childhood memory suddenly popped into my mind--and, what do you know, it involved another flavor-trauma that i suffered at the hands of your 'candy' company, when i innocently reached into a bowl of candy and was rewarded with a bloody mary flavored jelly bean.
now, i know that you've been rocking the whole harry potter thing, with your bertie bott's every flavor beans, and good for you! we all need to make a buck. sure, you've included flavors like 'vomit,' 'dirt,' 'earwax,' and 'rotten eggs,' but people know what they're in for when they purchase these candies. why people buy them is a mystery to me--i love harry potter as much as the next 14 year old, but there's no way in hell i would eat those beans. still, they are properly labeled, and as such you are not putting any innocent candy seekers at risk.
however, i did a little web-snooping, and i found out that the following flavors are all included in your regular assorted bean packs:
2. roasted garlic
3. baked bean
seriously, jelly belly peoples.
you are some sick fucks.
i recommend that you eat an entire bag of bacon and pine tree flavored beans, and see if that changes your tune any.
if you would like to chat further, you can find me scouring the candy aisles at my local target and other such places, in search of reduced-price easter candy. i'll be the one with the basket full of jolly rancher jelly beans.
those things rule.
have a nice day,