Tuesday, April 10, 2007

it's always something

to: jelly beller maker-type peoples
re: flavor?
from: tiffany, with the wounded palatte

dear people who make jelly bellys,

someone needs to explain why i just reached into a delicious looking bowl of colorful little jelly beans and ended up chewing on something that tasted like PINE TREE. and, not just pine tree. no, it would be remiss of me to call it anything other than CHEWY PINE TREE.

now, i have no way of knowing whose fault this is, but i can say that someone in your company definitely needs to be fired, for they clearly have no concept of what candy is meant to be: something that tastes sweet and delicious.

has anyone ever looked at a pine tree and had the urge to break off a twig and have a little snack?

i think not.

i suffered further trauma when i couldn't get the pine tree taste out of my mouth. obviously, i could not simply reach in for another bean, hoping to wash the bad flavor away. i mean, who knows what other horrors could have been waiting for me inside that bowl? i wouldn't want to wash down a pine tree bean with a motor-oil flavored bean, or some other such nonsense.

and that's why i had to eat the almod joy bar that was in the fridge.

after the taste had been significantly cleansed from my palatte, a childhood memory suddenly popped into my mind--and, what do you know, it involved another flavor-trauma that i suffered at the hands of your 'candy' company, when i innocently reached into a bowl of candy and was rewarded with a bloody mary flavored jelly bean.

now, i know that you've been rocking the whole harry potter thing, with your bertie bott's every flavor beans, and good for you! we all need to make a buck. sure, you've included flavors like 'vomit,' 'dirt,' 'earwax,' and 'rotten eggs,' but people know what they're in for when they purchase these candies. why people buy them is a mystery to me--i love harry potter as much as the next 14 year old, but there's no way in hell i would eat those beans. still, they are properly labeled, and as such you are not putting any innocent candy seekers at risk.

however, i did a little web-snooping, and i found out that the following flavors are all included in your regular assorted bean packs:

1. jalepeno
2. roasted garlic
3. baked bean
4. bacon

seriously, jelly belly peoples.
you are some sick fucks.

i recommend that you eat an entire bag of bacon and pine tree flavored beans, and see if that changes your tune any.

if you would like to chat further, you can find me scouring the candy aisles at my local target and other such places, in search of reduced-price easter candy. i'll be the one with the basket full of jolly rancher jelly beans.
those things rule.

have a nice day,


Blogger Star8278 said...


8:08 AM  
Blogger D.B. Echo said...

Are you sure someone didn't mix in a few Bernie Botts' Every Flavor Beans? They're made by the Jelly Belly people. They're a LOT mor expensive than the already-expensive Jelly Bellies, but they're worth it! My favorites are Sardine, Horseradish, and Black Pepper. Grass is actually pretty pleasant.

I have nibbled on pine needles. It was when I was 12, and sitting under a pine tree reading The Fellowship of the Ring. Barrow-wights and Tom Bombadil and Strider, oh my!

I also have a story about "mint chocolate chip cookies" that turned out to be "pine chocolate chip cookies" - or more precisely, "Pine-Sol chocolate chip cookies"! But maybe I'll tell that on my own blog someday!

9:04 AM  
Blogger Mikala said...

Tiff...they actually have Jelly Bellys that taste like vomit! Seriously, I believe that's the flavor. Plus, have you ever had Jelly Flops (the messed up ones from the Jelly Belly factory)?

It's a crazy world out there...

10:27 AM  
Blogger Reba said...

If you take a jalepeno and a pineapple jelly belly and eat them together it takes like salsa. Or a blueberry and buttered popcorn= blueberry muffins. There are 100s of combinations.

I know this cause I worked in a place where we packaged bulk candy and they sent us booklets on this stuff.

12:01 PM  
Blogger ian said...

You know, there's nothing better than the great taste of BACON.

Especially in a jelly bean. LMAO.

The only thing worse than that would be tasting bacon if you hadn't actually eaten any.


7:43 PM  
Blogger whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Ewwww! That had to have been awful! Well at least you didn't get the vomit jelly bean mixed in by mistake.

7:52 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Sauce said...

Gah! I feel yah. And to add to your Pine Tree list, put on there: Shots of Tanqueray. Had some this weekend, and it was decidedly like chewing on a pine tree air freshener hangy thing. Given that it's gin, though, the pine tree gives way to numbness to waking up in the morning with "Essence of Gym Sock" taste. Blah.

PS if you're wondering who the hell this crazy random chic on your blog is, I saw your Amalah comment and laughed, so I'm lurking. Then I thought I'd de-lurk, because hey, it's a slow day.

8:28 PM  
Anonymous amanda said...

ahh, i know exactly what you are talking about! jelly belly's are my absolute favorite candy, but it's definitely the worst when you reach into your bag and get a nasty one.

i wandered on your blog because erin (bugernie) had yours linked. i don't have a blogger account, but i have a livejournal account. it's amandajardine.livejournal.com.

p.s. your blogs makes me laugh...everytime.

7:35 PM  
Blogger CS said...

The jelly belly peole are just like that. For my money, about half the flavors are, at the very least, unpleasant. Even somethat sound liek they ought to be okay. That's why i buy those traditional big, sweet jelly beans at Easter.

9:01 AM  

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