Wednesday, March 29, 2006

i should have known...

Your results:
You are Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman
Iron Man
Green Lantern
The Flash
You are a beautiful princess
with great strength of character.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

what, me?
a princess?

well, i guess i can't argue with that...

also, please note that i have now posted 3 times in the past 3 hours...
just trying to beg forgiveness for the terrible absent-ness of late.

i'm thinking about...

this song:

a friend assures me, "it's all or nothing."
i am not worried
i am not overly concerned
my friend implores me, "for one time only,
make an exception." i am not worried.
wrap her up in a package of lies
send her off to a coconut island
i am not worried i am not overly concerned
with the state of my emotion
"oh," she says, "you're changing."
but we're always changing

it does not bother me to say this isn't love
because if you don't want to talk about it than it isn't love
and i gues i'm going to have to live with that
but i'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
something in between,
and i can always change my name
if that's what you mean

my friend assures me, "it's all or nothing."
but i am not really worried i am not overly concerned
you try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
to make yourself forget
i am not worried
"if it's love," she said, "then we're going to have to think about the consequences."
she can't stop shaking
i can't stop touching her and...
this time when kindness falls like rain
it washes her away and anna begins to change her mind
"these seconds when i'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says
and i'm not ready for this sort of thing

but i'm not going to break and i'm not going to worry about it anymore
i'm not going to bend, and i'm not going to break and i'm not going to worry about it anymore

it seems like i should say "as long as this is love..."
but it's not all that easy, so maybe i should
snap her up in a butterfly net, pin her down on a photograph album
i am not worried
i've done this sort of thing before
but then i start to think about the consequences
because i don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...

this time when kindness falls like rain
it washes me away and anna begins to change my mind
and every time she sneezes i believe it's love and
oh lord, i'm not ready for this sort of thing

she's talking in her sleep
it's keeping me awake and anna begins to toss and turn
and every word is nonsense but i understand and
oh lord, i'm not ready for this sort of thing

her kindness bangs a gong
it's moving me along and anna begins to fade away
it's chasing me away
she disappears and
oh lord, i'm not ready for this sort of thing

need i say more?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

If I Were Queen of the World, There Would Be No More...

Fear Factor.

Now, it's entirely possible that Fear Factor is no longer being made. I don't know, because I've only seen it twice--once a couple of years ago, and once during the day yesterday. The fact that it was on during the day means that there is a possibility that it has been cancelled. In which case, nevermind.

But, anyway.
Fear Factor is stupid.
And I'm not saying that scary things that I would, in fact, *fear* don't happen on this show--they most certainly do. I heard about the whole sliding down the outside of the Luxor in Las Vegas--that just seemed fun, mostly--but in one of the episodes I saw people had to get in a tank with alligators. (!!!) I would totally be lying if I tried to say that's not fucked up. Combine that with the eating of live slugs and tarantula's and whatnot...
I'm not saying that this would be an easy show to be on.

My argument is this: you would have to be an idiot to be on this show.
Why, you ask?
Well, because the prize in only $50,000.
Does everyone realize how small an amount of money that actually is?

Ok, don't take this the wrong way. I certainly do not have $50,000. But I can say with some amount of certainty that if I did stumble across $50,000, I could spend it pretty quickly. Say, by 5pm tomorrow.

I mean, if someone was like "tiffany, would you like $50,000?"
I would for sure say yes.

But, if someone was like "tiffany, would you eat live slugs and swim with alligators and let us inject you with bird flu and then if you can do it all the fastest we will give you $50,000?"

I would have to tell you to fuck off.

The End.

Monday, March 27, 2006

i am distinctively not dead, people

i still exist!

it's totally true.

and i now give you my most solemn vow that i will have something very interesting to say sometime very soon.
for real.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

in which i have nothing to say, at all

i know, everyone is ready for me to talk about something other than key west.
i get it.
and i'm ready to think about something else, too.
any day now, people.
any day.

would it be really bad if i decided to not get my MA and take a proof-reading job for the key west newspaper?
i mean, it is what i majored in, after all...

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Top Ten Things Overheard in Key West Last Week

WARNING: There is a very good probability that only 5 people in the world will think this is funny at all, and I'm pretty sure that one of them doesn't even know I have a blog--so I guess we'll make it four.

ANOTHER WARNING: I guess I should tell you that these aren't numbered in order of humorousness, Dave Letterman style, because I simply do not feel like thinking that much right at the moment.

Thing 1: I feel like dog-shit.

Thing 2: You smell like Ronnie.

Thing 3: I sat in pee.

Thing 4: I stepped in Spit.

Thing 5: Can I buy you ladies a drink?

Things 6: Can I buy you ladies a drink?

Thing 7: (imagine sounds of very skinny girl dry-heaving into a garbage can in bed next to you)*

Thing 8: Fluffy! Big Boy! I don't know! Gate! Pink! Pool! 157!**

Thing 9: Can we please eat something of sustenance?

Thing 10: Moped Hospital

*I know it's gross, but I had to hear it first hand. Count yourself lucky.

**If you are one of the last people on earth who hasn't seen the credit card commercial that is referred to here, then I guess you think I'm pretty retarded.
Shouldn't be too shocking, really.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

In Which I Figure Out How to Post Pictures; or, I Went on Vacation and I Have Proof, Suckaz.

Look what I can do...

Holy crap!
It's a picture!
I posted a picture!
Of a leaf!

But, people? This is not just any leaf. Oh, no. This leaf is special. This leaf comes from a tropical environmnet called Key West. This leaf cannot be found in Michigan.

So there.

Anyway, here's a brief outline of what happened on our vacation.

We came here.

And it was really, really pretty.
Some might even say that the water is a perfect aqua-mother-fucking-marine.
I mean, I wouldn't say that. But probably someone I was with did.

Anyway, then this happened...

And then we were happy...

Even when we woke up hung-over, we were still happy.
Don't believe me?
Please witness the pictures we took of our happy hung-over selves.*

*I also enjoyed taking pictures of pretty leaves while I was hung-over, as witnessed above.

Anyway, take the above scenario and multiply it by seven glorious days in a row, and...shit, i guess you still won't have any clue how fantastic our vacation was.

So, stay tuned for my next entry: The Top Ten Things Over-Heard in Key West Last Week.

Return of the Tiffness

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm back.

I'm alive.

I didn't vomit up my liver while I was in Key West.

I did, however, have the most amazingly-fantastical-majestically-drunken-girl-on-a-beautiful-island-with-her-drunken-roommate-and-drunken-sister-vacation-of-all-time.

And, people? I have been on a lot of amazingly-fantastical-majestically-drunken-girl styled vacations, so that's really saying a lot.

Unfortunately, that's all I have to say about it for now.
See, the thing about an amazingly-fantastical-majestically-drunken-girl type of vacation is that, when you get home, it's very difficult to explain what was so amazing, fantastic, and majestical about the vacation at all. You start telling stories that you thought were really funny, and people stare at you blankly.

You find that there are no words to desribe the way that leaving Key West is so painful that you literally feel like someone is punching you in the stomach because you're not there anymore.

Although, I suppose there is at least a small chance that it's actually just my liver acting up in there.

SO I guess I'll wait a couple of days, see how I feel, and figure out a way to tell you about how amazingly fantastic my vacation was.
Also, I need to figure out how to put pictures in this damn thing, so you can see all my lovely drunkness and hung-overness and recoveryness and more drunkness and some ocean and palm trees and also the harvest of freckles that have taken over my face.