Friday, April 27, 2007

the day we thought would never come

um, hi.
i know you've been missing me.
i mean...
your comments yelling at me for being gone since monday...
those came out of love, right?


i wasn't going to tell you this yet...i wanted to make sure it was perfect first (or as close to perfect as possible)...
but my new blog is ready.

i haven't gone through and categorized my old posts yet, i haven't fiddled too much with the 'about' pages, and the header isn't as great as i had imagined.
but, it's it's there.

and, to be honest?
i'm feeling a little sad as i type this.
i will miss this little blogger-posting window. i mean, it only ate a post one wasn't that bad.

but, i'm moving on.
i hope you'll come with me.

i'm not going to delete this page quite yet (separation anxiety...), but if you want to see anything new, you're just going to have to CLICK RIGHT HERE

see you soon?

Friday, April 20, 2007

stuff. and also, things.

(alternate title: in which i attempt to make up for lost time.)

this may possibly be my randomest post ever.
and, yes, i'm aware that 'randomest' is not actually an actual word. i just don't care.

at any rate, here's what i have to say:

1) official progress has been officially made at my new blog. i still can't tell you where it is, but i can say that when i type in my new URL, there is actually something that exists in what was previously a completely blank server space, or whatever. now, i know many of you will be all what the eff is the problem, lady??!!?? to which i reply, i'm an idiot, that's what the problem is!! perhaps you should pay more attention, because i'm not exactly hiding that fact, people!!

for the first time in a month, progress has been made.
i expect that once i get that batman guy over here, things will begin to progress even quicklier-like.
so, hang in there.
good things are coming.
or, at least, things that don't totally suck.

i don't want to set you up for disappointment.

2) and then there's this:

being that i'm part of the team at wtb!?, it's kind-of my duty to post an ass hat entry, even though i can't win a prize.

i've been paritcipating, but, this week i just don't have time to do the work that i normally would. for instance, i would have loved to do some research and post an entry about how stupid paris hilton is, complete with one hundred frillion links to different letters and text messages that she's sent to 3 frillion different boyfriends, many of which confused words like 'they're' and 'their,' and 'your' and 'you're'...but i just wasn't able to find the time.

and, for the record?
i'm totally not being sarcastic.

i really wanted to make a case against paris hilton.

alas, i'm sure that the 'ass hat celebrity' theme will return at some point, and i will knock it out of the park.

wait for it, people.

until then, entertain yourself with the emails of another uneducated celebrity 'pretty-girl', courtesy of mamapop.
here is a picture of an email between paris hilton and lindsay lohan:

(hint: if you reallywant to read that, you can click it and it will get bigger. i think. if only all things in life were so easy.)
up first for discussion is the fact that apparently 'broughten' is now a word.
also on the table: having lots of money means you have to act like you're in high school forever?
it kind of makes me glad that i'm poor.
next time that i want a new coach bag or a pair of uggs, and i feel sad that i can't get them right away because i will have to save for a few weeks to afford them...i will just take a moment to reflect on the fact that i can spell.

and, speaking of mamapop...
have you been there?
you should totally go there, because it rules.
and so ends another chapter in the gospel of tiffness.

3) has anyone else played that taggy game where you have to show what your desktop screensaver thing looks like?
i was supposed to do this a long time ago, and i just spent 20 minutes--seriously, people, 20 minutes of my life that i will never get back--trying to figure out who demanded this of me, but i can't.
at any rate, my screensaver changes every 30 minutes, and as far as i can tell i have 7 bilion options that rotate through every now and then. to be completely honest, 98% of them are courtesy of that batman guy. but, here are the ones that i really like:

(edited to add: i have just been yelled at. apparently these things are wallpapers, not screensavers. whatever. some days i'm just glad that i can type. i can't be bothered with that nonsense. which may explain why i can't make my new blog work, but we'll deal with that later, ok?)

4) a big thank-you to miss zoot for showing me the new harry potter trailer. and, because the internet is (or should) be all about spreading the love, i now give you the new harry potter trailer, which is the awesome. the awesome what, you ask?
just the awesome. that's all.
like, you could look 'awesome' up in a dictionary and you would find this movie trailer. except, no, you wouldn't, because i just made that up.
but, i'm giddy.
you're just going to have to deal with it for now. i'm sure it will go away in a few seconds, as giddy isn't normally in my nature.

awesome = this trailer.
i may have had a few tears. but don't tell anyone.
i mean, did you catch that glimpse of bellatrix? and harry kissing cho? i may have just had a mild stroke. fuck blogher, we should just all get together to hole up for a week, watch this movie, and read the new book.
just kidding, i'm totally going to blogher. who else is going to teach me how to use the internet?
but, if anyone wants to do a harry potter party...i can't lie. i might very well be down for that as well.
p.s. i hate umbridge. and also the fact that there is only one more harry potter book ever. for all time.


ok, come back tomorrow.
this is all i have for you at this time.

Monday, April 16, 2007

and feed them on your dreams...

last night, i started writing a post about the baby shower i threw for b.g. yesterday.
actually, it wasn't really about the shower. it would be more accurate to say that it was inspired by the shower, by the multitude of baby things: tiny pink pumas, cute little dresses with those matching diaper cover thing-things, and, of course, all the practical crap like butt-wipes, car seats, bouncy seats, and the like.

it started with all of the crap that b.g. got yesterday; i just couldn't get over how such a teensy little person can require so much...stuff. and then i started thinking, even with these carloads of she going to have enough stuff? how can we reallly make sure that she's going to have everything she needs?

and then i started thinking about the bigger picture: like, material crap aside, how are we going to raise this little girl?
yes, i say we.
it takes a village, you know.

all of the sudden, i just couldn't stop thinking about b.g., and i, and all of the crap that we've helped each other through. there've been so many lessons that we had to learn the hard way: so many nights crying on the couch, so many freak-outs about things that weren't worth it, so many moments of self-doubt. thank god we were there to help each other through it. but, now, i wonder: can we raise this baby girl to be a better woman than we have been? can we give her everything she'll need so that one day she will walk out into the world with her head high, sensitive to the needs and desires and opinions of others, but still sufficiently self-confident that she will never be broken by the needs, desires, and opinions of those other people?

working in the bar, b.g. and i have been through many 'cycles' of workers. being that we work in a college town, we'll have about two years with a pretty consistent crew, and then they'll move on, and we'll get a new crew who seem like the norm after a while. but, b.g. and i? we worked there before we went to school, we worked there while we went to school, and now that we're done with school...yeah, we still work there.
(we will not discuss the possibility that going to school at all may have been an enormous waste of time and money, because some of us might still be pretending that they will actually get a job 'in their field' at some point.)
the point is:
when b.g. and i first started working at the bar, we were the young ones.
(sadly, that was over 10 years ago)
we were the ones with the overly dramatic stories of woe, and the break-ups that we thought would surely kill us, and we had the 'older girls' who already worked there to teach us the ropes. sure, they taught us how to drink, how to work a double with a hangover and only 45 minutes of sleep, and many other such things. but they were also our therapists. they listened to our stories, and they weren't phased: they had seen it all. they listened, and they gave us advice. they called us on our overly dramatic crap.
they gave us perspective.

now, b.g. and i are the 'older girls.'
(actually, we've been the 'older girls' for quite some time now)
for the past few years, we've been the ones that the younger girls come to. now, we call them on their overly dramatic bullshit, but we also try to give them strength. we try to help them be better than we were.

we try to get them to love themselves more than we have loved ourselves.

we try to give them perspective.

and, while i'm sure it is helpful...
mainly, we've learned that there is one steadfast rule that comes with being a woman: we simply refuse to learn from each others mistakes.
we insist on making them for ourselves.
now, this isn't to say that there isn't some value to trying.
when you go out there and fuck something up really bad, it is always comforting to know that you're not the only ass hat to have ever done such a thing.
it's that whole 'strength in numbers' thing, i suppose.
still, we've been frustrated many times when--no matter how convincing we were, no matter how much evidence we gave, no matter how much the object of our advice agreed with us--they simply cannot stop themselves from learning the hard way.

but, now? b.g. is about to give the world a whole new person, and i wonder: can we finally break the cycle?

can we make her love herself more than we have loved ourselves?

anyway, that's what i started writing last night.
then, today, i woke up and saw that someone had shot someone else in their dorm room at virginia tech.
at noon, i looked at the tv again, and all of the sudden they were saying that at least 20 people had been killed. shortly after, they upped the number to 32. apparently, some guy walked into a classroom and started shooting people.
and, of course, i know it's cliche, but i started thinking about how it must be the scariest thing ever, to buy all this baby stuff: a rubber duck-head thing to cover the faucet in your bathtub, baby aspirin, a car seat, a monitor for the baby's room, so you can always make sure that they're breathing, and still know that there is absolutely nothing you can really do to keep your baby safe, because it lives in a world where sometimes people get mad and go on random shooting sprees.

but, that's just the same old story, right? there's never been a baby born into a completely safe world.
we can't protect her from everything.

but, we can hopefully raise her to see the good in things, before she sees the bad.
we can teach her to love and laugh with every ounce of her being, so that any bad moments--which will inevitably come--will be at least slightly more tolerable because real love and laughter are insulators of the soul, and they can keep you strong in trying times--even if you can't summon a laugh, or even a smile, in the moment.

we can love her with our whole souls, and we can hope that she loves herself the same way.

really, if she loves herself even a little, we will have succeeded.

at any rate, i can't wait to start trying.
i can't wait to see b.g. and tim become the little family that they almost are, and i can't wait to see how much love is about to come into this world.

and you probably can't wait for me to stop it already, with the sappiness.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

in which i, again, require some help.

so, remember how my best friend is having a baby?

well, on sunday, i'm throwing a shower in her honor. and i'm very excited about it.

but, the thing is, i've been so excited thinking about things like: what will i give her as a gift? what sort of delicious treats will i serve? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHICH CHAIR SHOULD I TIE THOUSANDS OF PINK BALLOONS TO, SO I CAN MAKE HER SIT IN IT WHILE SHE OPENS HER GIFTS???
and i sort of forgot to think of anything for us to do at the shower, other than, you know, eat and open presents.
now, i don't want to get all out of hand with the stupid games that nobody ever wants to play anyway...but i am sort of thinking that we should have at least one game.

so, does anyone have any ideas?
has anyone ever been to a baby shower and played a game that was even moderately cool and/or entertaining?

i'm begging you.
dig into your inner martha stewart andcome up with an idea for me.

i have the menu planned, but if you have some kind of an amazing party recipe, i'd totally love to know that, too. if not for this particular party, it would just be awesome to have.

now, get going!
you have work to do!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

it's always something

to: jelly beller maker-type peoples
re: flavor?
from: tiffany, with the wounded palatte

dear people who make jelly bellys,

someone needs to explain why i just reached into a delicious looking bowl of colorful little jelly beans and ended up chewing on something that tasted like PINE TREE. and, not just pine tree. no, it would be remiss of me to call it anything other than CHEWY PINE TREE.

now, i have no way of knowing whose fault this is, but i can say that someone in your company definitely needs to be fired, for they clearly have no concept of what candy is meant to be: something that tastes sweet and delicious.

has anyone ever looked at a pine tree and had the urge to break off a twig and have a little snack?

i think not.

i suffered further trauma when i couldn't get the pine tree taste out of my mouth. obviously, i could not simply reach in for another bean, hoping to wash the bad flavor away. i mean, who knows what other horrors could have been waiting for me inside that bowl? i wouldn't want to wash down a pine tree bean with a motor-oil flavored bean, or some other such nonsense.

and that's why i had to eat the almod joy bar that was in the fridge.

after the taste had been significantly cleansed from my palatte, a childhood memory suddenly popped into my mind--and, what do you know, it involved another flavor-trauma that i suffered at the hands of your 'candy' company, when i innocently reached into a bowl of candy and was rewarded with a bloody mary flavored jelly bean.

now, i know that you've been rocking the whole harry potter thing, with your bertie bott's every flavor beans, and good for you! we all need to make a buck. sure, you've included flavors like 'vomit,' 'dirt,' 'earwax,' and 'rotten eggs,' but people know what they're in for when they purchase these candies. why people buy them is a mystery to me--i love harry potter as much as the next 14 year old, but there's no way in hell i would eat those beans. still, they are properly labeled, and as such you are not putting any innocent candy seekers at risk.

however, i did a little web-snooping, and i found out that the following flavors are all included in your regular assorted bean packs:

1. jalepeno
2. roasted garlic
3. baked bean
4. bacon

seriously, jelly belly peoples.
you are some sick fucks.

i recommend that you eat an entire bag of bacon and pine tree flavored beans, and see if that changes your tune any.

if you would like to chat further, you can find me scouring the candy aisles at my local target and other such places, in search of reduced-price easter candy. i'll be the one with the basket full of jolly rancher jelly beans.
those things rule.

have a nice day,

Thursday, April 05, 2007

the bar is an ass hat breeding ground

this post contains bad words. cover your eyes if you are easily offended.

so, it's about that time...

to prove my undying devotion to wtb!?, i have to tell you a story about an 'ass hat at work.'
lucky for me (???), i work at a bar, where there is never a shortage of ass-hattedness.


there is a lady who's been coming into our bar for years. to be honest, i've never liked her. i thought she was a crazy bitch the first time i saw her, but i tried to keep it to myself. i mean, i have flaws, too. and one of them happens to be being too judgemental. so, i behaved myself and awaited further input on the situation.

alas, it turned out that i was right.
not only is this lady a crazy bitch...she just might be the craziest bitch ever.
there's a specific story that i want to tell you about her, but first, of course, i have to give you the background.

to that end, i now present a list of crazy things this lady (whom we shall refer to as kim, because that is her name) has done since we were first exposed to her craziness.*

one: she walked in and sat next to my friend (who shall be known as GT) at the bar. GT is a very friendly guy, so he chatted with her for a few minutes. then he turned back to his other friends to continue whatever conversation they were having before she sat down. a while later, she tapped him on the arm and announced: either you're eating my pussy tonight, or i'm going to kick your ass. this was very frightening to my friend, because not only did he not know this lady, but he's also gay. so, you know. the chances of him being persuaded to go home and eat pussy were not high.

at first, we dismissed that behavior by convincing ourselves that she must have been really drunk. still, we started to notice that everytime she came into the bar, even when she was stone-cold sober, she was always looking for a reason to be angry with our staff...

two: once kim came in and ordered some buffalo wings. because i know that she complains about everything, i asked about a million questions as i was taking the order, to ensure that the food would come out the way she wanted it.
ie) me: ok. so you want spicy wings with a side of ranch? her: yes. and a side of blue cheese, too. me: ok, so, spicy wings with a side of ranch and a side of blue cheese. anything else? her: no. that will be all. so, i bring out the spicy wings with the ranch and the blue cheese and she throws her hands up in disgust and practically screams how hard is it to bring me a side of honey mustard?

i don't know.

where were we ?

three: then there was the time kim got mad because b.g. wouldn't give her any quarters. she asked for change for a twenty, and specifically mentioned that she was going to get up and play pool. b.g. gave her a ten, a five, and 5 ones, because there is a quarter machine RIGHT NEXT TO THE POOL TABLE, and we only get a certain amount of quarters in our bar drawer for the night. kim then started yelling at jen for not giving her any quarters, and even went so far to say: aren't you only here to serve me?

you know, i really don't even want to go on at this point...
but you really aren't going to believe the next thing that happened.
this one was only about 3 weeks ago.

four: kim came into the bar and sat down next to GT again. the poor guy.
for reasons we will never be able to understand, she started telling him about her various vibrators. apparently, she has six different models, and for some reason she thought that GT needed to know all about them: what color they were, the differences in the way they vibrated, how many batteries each one required, WHAT SHE LIKED TO DO WITH THEM, etc.
GT tried four different times to politely let kim know that he wasn't interested in hearing about her vibrators, but she didn't believe him, and would just reply oh, yes. you're interested. while giving him what she probably thought was a sexy look...i don't know. to the rest of us, it just looked crazy. finally, GT had enough. he turned to look her right in the face and said: i'm sure that your vibrators are really great, but i'm gay. so, no. i'm really not interested in hearing about them.

and then she looked at him with pure disgust on her face and said:
oh. so, now you're a fucking faggot? that's great.

***it should be noted that i wasn't at the bar when this happened. had i been there, i would have grabbed her by the hair and thrown her right the fuck out of the bar. in fact, i got totally furious again, just typing that story.***

anyhow, i suppose that leads us up to the most recent epsisode of THE CRAZY i've suffered at the hands of this woman.

last saturday, i was bartending with xtina when kim showed up. i made xtina go over and deal with her, because i am the boss of her and she must do what i say. (hi xtina! i love you!)
kim ordered a bottle of molson light, as usual.
then she went to the bathroom.
she was gone for so long, we thought maybe she had left.
she hadn't paid for her beer, but we still hoped maybe she was gone. we would have gladly eaten the $3.50, if it meant we didn't have to deal with her anymore.

sadly, she returned.
and the way that she returned is quite possibly the most ridculous thing i have ever seen.
she walked back up to the bar, but she passed the spot where she had been sitting before.
you know, the spot where her beer and her coat were sitting.
instead, she walked five stools past her preivious spot, sat down, and glared at xtina and i for 15 minutes as if she was offended that we were ignoring her.

she knew damn well that she had a beer, and she chose to sit down at a different spot so that she could pretend like she was getting bad service. oh, and i should probably mention that the bar was pretty empty at this point, because that makes the situation even more ridiculous. i mean, she was sitting and glaring at us while her beer sat 5 EMPTY stools away.

finally, my boss walked over, pushed her beer towards her and said here, kim. this is your beer.

at first, she shook her head in disgust and pushed the beer away from her.
i know.
how dare we give you your beer?
what kind of an establishment are we running?

but, after a few minutes she realized that no one was going to bite on her whole 'why are these bartenders ignoring a new bar guest' game, and she retrieved her beer and started drinking.

we had a few minutes of complete normalness.

then, some kind of blues song came on the jukebox. i wish i could tell you what it was, but i honestly have no idea. what i DO know is that this lady--who had been sitting there trying to get pissed at us for 40 minutes--all of the sudden started bursting into song.
except, not really.
because she didn't know the words.
but she was pretending to sing along, and she was really into it.

because i love you so much, i've made a re-enactment for you. here is what kim looked like as she randomly busted out with emotion to the music:
(and, really? it did look like this. because she would be sitting with a sour look on her face and then she would be 'bursting with song' for a second. and then she'd be still again. and then back to the music, and so on.)

after the music moved on to something that she wasn't feeling quite as much, she wandered over and plucked a dirty shot glass off of a table and brought it back to her spot at the bar...where she started pouring 'shots' of her beer into it, and drinking them as if they were whiskey or something.

she was also seen telling four different guys that they would have more fun if they went home with her, rather than go home with their girlfriends.

oh, and i guess i forgot to tell you guys how this lady is the ugliest scrawniest most wrinkled-up old bag of hate i've ever seen. so, you know. your girlfriend would have to be pretty bad off before you'd prefer to go home with kim.

so, yeah.
i'm sorry it took so long, but i'm calling ass hat on this lady.

and, really?
i think if she comes in again while i'm working, i'm going to refuse to serve her. because...i know i gave a lot of examples of her heinousness...but, you just aren't allowed to call someone a faggot at my bar. i really think that behavior is reason enough to ban someone. and i would really like it if i never have to see that bitch again.

*this list is in no way complete, but her craziness is too expansive for one blog post. also, i can't be bothered to plan my writing ahead of, you know. you get whatever comes to mind when i sit down and start typing.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

you want drunken opening day pictures?
well, shit.
you know i can't deny you.

here we are before anything of note happened:

we look pretty good for a couple of fools who are getting their drink on at 10am, no?

things started to get interesting when a bar regular that we randomly ran into started buying us shots of crown royal...

i no likey shots of crown royal.
or beer.

but, i CAN put on a positive face in the name of opening day.

i mean, come on.
i am no amateur.

but, sometimes?
pretending that you likey shots of crown royal when they really make you want to vomit on yourself can mean danger.

as in...

(who, shortly after this photo was taken, disappeared to take a time-out [read: nap] in the alleyway behind the state theatre for, like, three or four hours.)




tiffany says: well, hello there...wall. you're looking mighty sexy today. would you like to buy me a drink?

on the way home, i took this picture of myself, so that my exact level of drunkeness could be preserved in hard copy for all of history...

all in all, i have to say i didn't do too badly. i mean, expecially considering that i must have been treading on really dangerous ground for a second know, with that little wall episode.
i've certainly had opening days which ended far worse than this one...
in fact, while you guys are busy enjoying my beautiful photos, i think i'll go ahead and start working on the story--what i can remember of it--of opening day two years ago.
it is a scary story, so be prepared. but, what can i say? apparently bad things happen when a girl decides to go downtown for opening day, even though she doesn't have tickets for the game.

i don't want to give too much away, but i'll tell you this much:
the day ended with me, alone, sitting on a stool at a strip club, crying my eyes out.

i know you probably can't wait to hear this one...

Monday, April 02, 2007

oh freaking dear

so, it's nearly 6am.
in an hour and a half, i have to get up.
and prepare for opening day.

(of the detroit tigers, of course.)

i should remind you all that, when i go to baseball games, i tend to end up looking like this:




(okay, so that one wasn't the worst picture ever. buti got excited by the nice shot of the field. sue me.)

and, apparently, sometimes i have to take a picture of myself in the bathroom mirror?
please see below:

i don't know. but, should i ever feel compelled to do such a thing again, i will try to remind myself that if i feel the need to take a picture of myself in the bathroom mirror, i am likely far too drunk to pay attention to what i look like.

anyway, considering that i haven't been out drinking in months, coupled with the fact that i will be lucky if i sleep for an hour...
it should be an interesting day.

i'd better go plug my camera in...
i wouldn't want to deprive you guys of the horror that will be me roaming the streets of detroit tomorrow.



i'll be missing my girls!

that's right. you know who you are. and if you weren't busy 1 )creating new life or 2) having a real grown-up girl job in arizona? you'd be in bg trouble. that's all i'm saying.