Monday, September 26, 2005

in which i tell you that i am learning nothing


you might think that i haven't posted anything lately because i have been very busy with my 18 credit hours and have been basically getting my learn-on non-stop for the past 3 weeks.

this would be so, sooooo wrong.

the reason i have not posted anything is because all even remotely creative places in my brain have been bored to death by the horrible hours i am forced to endure at school.

for example:
i have this one class that i like to call writing resumes for the retarded. now, no one in this class is actually retarded. but there are definetely some very close calls.
anyhow, the professor really overloaded us with homework this weekend by giving us seven sentences which were very vague and asking us to re-write them with more concrete images.

this is a task that took four minutes.

one original sentence was "my pet ran away this morning, and a friend of mine found him in an unusual place clear on the other side of the city."

this sentence could be re-written any number of ways--you could be more specific about what kind of pet it was, where it was found, etc.
or you could beat your head against the wall in utter disbelief that you are being forced to do this at all.

and then you could go to class and listen as the teacher and your other classmates debate for twenty-twominutes about what might be the best way to re-write this sentence--this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad third grade sentence!

for kicks, let me just give you a little sample of some of the things that were said in class.

stupid girl 1: well, i changed 'pet' to 'dog' and i said that he was found at the mall instead of at an 'unusual place.'

stupid girl 2: well, i think mine is better because i said 'my cat, fluffy' instead of 'pet.' so mine is more specific.

me: (inwardly) oh-my-mother-fucking-god-you've-got-to-be-kidding-me-i-need-a-martini.

yes, i am a mean and horrible person.
but, for real. that class sucks.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

my last semester of college chapter 1. in which i discuss the possibility of learning one damn thing in class tomorrow.

so tomorrow i begin the last semester of my undergraduate career at eastern michigan university. it's been a long and often less than dedicated career, but alas, it will come to an end in december, at which time i will find myself 27 years old, moderately well-read, and very likely not qualified for any job other than the one i have now--the same one i've had for nine years, bartending.

if i were actually the queen of the world, you can bet this would not be the case.

but these are musings for another entry.
for now, let's discuss the task at hand.

i must go to class tomorrow. and for the next four months i have to continue to go to class very, very many times. i'm sure that in some of these instances i will learn something--but tomorrow? probably not.

the problem is, the building in which i attend most of my classes is virtually a 7 story basement with minimal ventilation. i've heard rumors that the place actually is equipped with both heat and air conditioning--but i've never witnessed any evidence that this might be true.
unless the people in charge really are complete idiots--a thought that has crossed my mind--and they run the heat in the summer and the air in the winter.
i swear sometimes this really seems to be the case.

the point is, tomorrow it will be at least eleventy-billion degrees in this building, and i will be incapable of doing anything other than wallow in my own sweating misery.


the moral of the story?
if i were in charge of the world all my classes would be held in an air conditioned bar. in vegas--it's impossible to want to fall asleep there. and students would be able to earn extra credit by playing video poker.