Monday, May 29, 2006

in which i take a quiz, and for once wish the results were true.

so, i found this quiz--thanks, lindsay--on the evil myspace empire.

i was, needless to say, elated with the results.

Which Classic Female Literary Character Are you?

You're Elizabeth Bennett of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

i mean, sure, we all know that the only part that's really true is the part about 'being too quick to judge.'

but allow me my moment of happiness anyhow.
it's just so much better than the black eyed peas incident.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

fuck taco bell

so, i know that eating fast food is the devil. I KNOW!!!
but, you know, sometimes you have to do it anyway.
when i have to eat fast food, i usually go for taco bell, because i feel like having a burrito and a coke is better than having a huge order of fries and a burger and the bun and all that.

i'm quite good with the rationalizing and all.


i've now decided that i hate taco bell.
this is an issue that's been growing on me for a while now, but today was the last straw.

here i was, watching laguna beach reruns, comtemplating the fatness of my ass, and trying to enjoy a burrito from taco bell. as i made my way through said burrito, i kept thinking wow, this burrito sure would be tasty if they had remembered to put sour cream on it. then i got to the last bite, and i found the sour cream. one huge clump of sour cream, wrapped in tortilla, with no other burrito goodness--and by burrito goodness, i mean grade d taco bell meat--mixed in.
i mean, i love sour cream. i've been known to eat it on some rather odd combinations of food.
i have never, however, had the desire to eat a huge glop of sour cream in a tortilla with nothing else mixed in.

my sister has noticed this problem as well.
when she goes to taco bell, she specifically for a burrito supreme with the sour cream spread throughout.
she says they always ask, confusedly, you want the sour cream spread throughout?to which she says, yes. still, no matter how nicely she asks, the sour cream is never spread throughout.

it must be some sort of conspiracy.

anyway, i'm starting a new diet on wednesday, so i guess now is a good time to get pissed at the evil taco bell empire.

i think this diet does look rather silly, but i'm going to do it anyway because the jens--my roommate and my boss' wife--are going to do it, and it's always easier to stick to a diet when your friends are doing it too.

be expecting plenty of bitchy dieting posts to appear.
maybe jen will even do a guest bitchy dieting post appearance!

anyway, i have to go to work now.
go pistons!!!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

since i've been gone: a random list of things i've been doing/thinking instead of blogging lately

1. i've nearly had a stroke about 23 times, watching the pistons. yeah, i'm a play-off whore. at least i'm not ashamed to admit it.
i don't think i watched a single basketball game in the entire regular season--i did go to one game...but i don't remember being there. at all. damn that party bus.
anyhow, i do usually have some idea what's going on with the detroit sports teams, because i work in a sports bar, and also because my roommate talks about sports a lot and i sometimes listen to her.
but that's the extent of my knowledge/interest during the regular season.

but, come play-off time?
i'm not missing a game.
and that's when the near-strokes begin.

i would also like to take this opportunity to point out that there is one kind of sports fan that is worse than the play-off whore: the angry fan-guy.

i just think it's totally uncool when people start bitching their own team out, when they don't win.

while i was bartending the other day, i heard a guy say you better sit the fuck down, you ain't got nothin' on chauncey billups and chauncey, you suck, you worthless sack of shit in the same 40 seconds.

so, yeah.
i hereby proclaim that that guy sucks more than i do.

2. i remembered that i took pictures on my birthday.

i now present to you the unbearable adorableness of my nieces and nephew.

i hope you didn't go blind from the cuteness, because i wouldn't want you to miss this picture...

yeah, my nephew is so freaking adorable, he's lucky i haven't gobbled him up yet. so far i've let him slide, and i try to appease myself with showering those sweet cheeks with kisses. kisses which are gross and yucky. kisses which he wipes off his face as quick as he can. which only makes me do it again. and i'm bigger than him, so i usually win.

i would also like to point out that this young man isn't that bad looking, either.

i didn't just hang out with children on my birthday!
oh, no.
i also hung out with my roommate, who danced around quite a bit.

we also tried to make sexy faces...

...but most people agree that we just look mad.

apparently, john and i can also make serious faces.

anyhow, don't worry, there will be no more pictures for a while.
i seem to have lost my camera charger this night.
that event, however, is unpictured.

3. i sat in my computer chair and thought about cleaning my room a lot, but i never really did it.

4. i sat in my computer chair and thought about working out a lot, but i never really did that either.

5. i got a new credit card!

6. which isn't the reason that we're going back to key west in 35 days. but, we totally are going back to keyt west in 35 days. are you excited? remember all those really fun blogs i wrote after my last trip--the ones that made no sense to anyone other than my roommate and my sister and i? now you have more of those to look forward to, while i look forward to palm trees and drunkeness.
yay for palm trees and drunkeness!

7. our apartment complex people figured out that they did, in fact, have our rent for the month of may. which is good, because i really didn't want to have to burn their office down.
i'm just kidding about that, of course.
i'm totally afraid of lighters and matches, so i would have had to do something else entirely.

8. i hurt my neck yesterday, and now it hurts to turn to the left. bad.

9. i learned that, when you hang out in my circle of friends, the word 'summer' is really just an abbreviation for the larger concept 'you will have a hangover every morning, and you will never sleep again until september.' which is why i'm going to go to bed right now, at this lovely decent time of 1:05 am, when i haven't ingested a single miniscule droplet of alcohol. it may be the last chance i get for a while.

Monday, May 15, 2006

the irritable gloriousness of tiffany; or, nacho ladies and other things that get me right pissed off.

so, i tried real hard* to think of some things that are irritating me lately--because i know you all only love me for my bitchiness.
and i can respect that.
because, my bitchiness? it is a wonder to behold sometimes.

anyhow, i now give you the top five things that are irritating me today.

thing one:
the nacho ladies.
holy crap, these ladies are the devil.
for those of you who don't work in the same restaurant as me--i know there are a few of you out there--the nacho ladies are an infamous twosome who come in at least four days a week for lunch. even though they have done this for the past three years, they still manage to find at least ten things to bitch about it on every visit. there are so many things they hate about eating lunch at our restaurant, that one would think they would decide to never come back again.
but, no.
we just aren't that lucky.

the nacho ladies order the same thing every time they come in--veggie nachos. but it's not that simple. one lady can't have onions, but would like extra green pepper. she doesn't want sour cream, but she does want eleventy hundred sides of salsa. she also does not want to pay for the salsa. she must have two cups of coffee in front of her at all times, but you must cover up one of the cups with a plate, so it doesn't get cold.
something is ALWAYS wrong with this woman's food, but she can never just tell you what it is.
witness the following conversation:
me: how's everything going over here, ladies?
evil nacho lady: oh, everything's...*she wistfully looks into the distance*...fine.
me: are you sure there's nothing i can get for you?
evil nacho lady: no. we're fine.
me:ok, i'll come back and check on you in a few minutes.
i go away.
i come back.

me: are we holding up ok over here, ladies?
evil nacho lady: oh, sure...*gives me a look of blatant unhappiness, despite her clear statement of being ok.*
me: stand there, sort of confused. can tell that nacho lady isn't happy, but she's not saying anything. also, this bitch is never happy and i kind-of have to pee.
evil nacho lady speaks again: do you make your nacho chips, or do you buy them?
me: we make them here.
evil nacho lady: oh.
evil nacho lady: do you make them all in the morning, or just, like, twice a week or something.
me: actually, we make them fresh for every order.
more silence
me: *taking the bait like a sucker* are your chips ok?
evil nacho lady: actually, they seem really stale.

see? this is a classic example of the passive aggressive bitchiness that is the nacho lady. she could have just said that something was wrong with the chips, but no. and, p.s., chips that were made ten minutes ago cannot possibly be stale.
i'm sorry if this doesn't seem all that bad--but, trust me, if you had to deal with it four times a week, it would wear on you, too. and i didn't even tell you about the time that she tried to get a gallon of free salsa because her friend ordered a sandwich, but didn't want any catsup for her french fries. so, she should totally get all that salsa for free, in place of the catsup, right? you know, that catsup that comes on every table, regardless of what you order?
yeah, i can't stand that lady, in case you couldn't tell.
as for the other nacho lady, she's not so bad. her only fault is bad choice of lunchtime companionship.

thing two:
my apartment complex claims that they can't find my rent for this month. which i put into the rent drop-box. because, you know, by the name, i figured that was an ok place to put it. also, i've put it there every month for three years.
so, that sucks pretty bad.
and i hope they find it.
i mean, what kind of person has an extra months rent lying around?

i'll give you a hint:
not a person with the shopping problem that i have.

thing three:
this guy who comes into our bar, and picks his nose and wipes it onto his beer glass. this man also smells like b.o. ninety-six percent of the time, and when he does, it's so bad that you actually have to hold your breath when you're near him. or maybe that's just me, because i have a bad gag reflex.
anyway, aside from the snotty glass and the foul odor, this man sucks because he never leaves more than a quarter for a tip--no matter how long he sits around picking his nose.
fortunately for us, we discovered that he doesn't like music, or noises of any sort.
so now we just turn on the jukebox whenever we see him coming, and he seems to go away pretty quickly.

thing four:
the sometimes drizzling, sometimes misting, sometims pouring-so-fucking-hard-that-you're-positive-you're-going-to-be-washed-away-at-any-moment-rain, which it's starting to seem will never EVER end.

thing five:
this thing...
Your 2005 Song Is

Don't Phunk With My Heart by the Black Eyed Peas

"I always want you with me
I'll play Bobby and you'll play Whitney"

You were insanely in love in 2005 - and still might be!

because, hello? first of all, i hate that song. at least, my public self claims to hate that song. and also, i don't want to be whitney.
please, don't make me be whitney.

why, oh why, couldn't i have a cool song?

*as you may already be aware, i didn't have to spend too much time trying to think about things to bitch about. it's like, a natural gift. of sorts. or something.

Friday, May 12, 2006

i got myspace. you will suffer. ha!


is there anybody out there?
(just nod if you can hear me...
is there anyone at home?)

oops, went off on a bit of a tangent there. usually i save that for a little later in a post, but i figure since i've been neglecting you for so long, i should probably get right down to the rambling before anyone starts foaming at the mouth.

because i know you all have just missed me so incredibly much.

so, yeah.
school ended again.
and i think we're all familiar with the whole 'no homework to be ignored=no new bloggings from tiffany' phenomenon, so i probably don't need to explain that free time=writer's block.
but, for real? what is it about not being stressed out that renders me incapable of having anything to say about anything?
i don't know.

but i do know one thing.
when i find myself without anything to write about for an entire week, i can always steal something that someone else wrote.

so, here's something someone sent me on myspace.
yeah, i got myspace.
it sounds like herpes, or crabs, or something. it's like, something you catch.
anyhow, i got it.
because, what i really needed in life was another 'space' on the web, so i could be personally responsible for more retarded things.

but, whatever.

in lieu of any super-intelligent musings from the mind of tiffany--and, also in lieu of any arguments over whether or not such a thing has ever existed--i give you this thing.


So, what does your name mean when you really look into it?

The letters- A-Pretty damn good kisser. B-You are always fun when it comes to meeting new people. C- you're wild and crazy D-You have trouble trusting people. E- You have a nice ass F-People totally adore you G-You never let people tell you what to do. H-You have very good personality and looks. I-Love is something you deeply believe in. J-Everyone loves you. K- You like to try new things L- You are fun to be with,crazy,and a party animal. M-success comes easily to you. N- You are the sexiest motherfucker out there O-You love foulplay. P-You are popular with all types of people. Q-You are a hypocrite. R- you are one of the best in bed. S- You are a really good friend. T-You're loyal to those you love. U-You are really chill. V-You are not judgmental. W-You are very broad minded. X- You never let ppl tell u wad to do Y-Being in love brings out the best in you. Z-You like it in the butt VERY VERY HARD.

my name is:

T-you're totally loyal to those you love.
I-love is something you deeply believe in.
F-people totally adore you.
F-ooh!!! people totally adore me again! it must really be true!
A-pretty damn good kisser.
N-you are the sexiest mother fucker out there. (i knew it all along)
Y-being in love brings out the best in you.*

*i do have to disagree with the last one. personally, i think being in love turns me into a lunatic. but, maybe that's when i'm at my best?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Substance is for the Birds. Or, One Hundred Things

1. my name is tiffany.
2. my mom says she knew that would be my name as soon as she found out she was pregnant.
3. I’m glad I turned out to be a girl. most of the time.
4. I am a princess.
5. I have a crown to prove it.
6. I have lots of freckles.
7. my favorite color is brown.
8. I collect elephants.
9. I have no idea why, except maybe that my grandma collected owls, and elephants seemed equally random.
10. I had the best two grandmas to ever exist on the face of the planet.
11. they weren’t knitting and rocking chair grandmas. they were more like traveling, golfing, swearing grandmas.
12. I swear a lot, too.
13. I have an older brother and three younger sisters. their names are matt, jillian, ryan, and amber.
14. the amber who comments—and is pictured—on this blog is not my sister. although, our parents have been friends for a very long time.
15. I also have a roommate who might as well be my sister, because we have lived together for five years. roommate, life-mate, whatever. (edit--now, ex-roommate. still like a sister, though)
16. my roommate and I both hope to find truly fulfilling relationships with someone—boys!—other than each other some day, but don’t generally feel all that optimistic about it. (edit--she recently got down to business and now seems to have found this.)
17. we need to move the fuck out of michigan. (she is pregnant, so she probably won't be moving anywhere with me now. which is fine, because i'm totally not moving away and missing out on the niece she is busy making for me.)
18. speaking of needing to move the fuck out of michigan, I should tell you that I have lived, worked, and gone to school in the same 25 mile circumference for my Entire Damn Life.
19. I have faith that we will eventually escape—hopefully with my little sister as well.
20. I just graduated from eastern michigan university with a BA in language, literature, and writing.
21. but, I still enjoy intentionally bad grammar, made-up words, and lower case letters where upper case letters should be.
22. when I grow up, I want to teach community college.
23. but I will consider any job that doesn’t take place in a restaurant, as long as there is health insurance involved.
24. I am very worried that I am supposed to be grown up already.
25. I am also very worried that growing up somehow involves some sort of baby-having or getting married, and I’m not entirely sure these are things I would be good at, at all.
26. the first time I went to college, I was a music major.
27. that didn’t work out very well.
28. when I consider the fact that I quit music school in order to get a degree in literature, it makes me realize that I am quite good at finding absolutely useless things to do with my time.
29. writing this list might be another good example.
30. or, writing this blog in general.
31. speaking of writing my blog, about half of the times that I type my blog’s URL into my browser, I accidentally spell tiffany with three f’s, instead of two.
32. my typing skills do not seem to reflect the fact that I have had to write eleventy hundred essays and papers in the last five years.
33. probably for the same reason that I always type URL’s into my browser, I never use speed dial, nor do I use the phonebook thinger on my cell phone. I punch the numbers in every time.
34. I’m not sure why I do this, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing, because (a) it must be good for my memory, and (b) if the shit ever hits the fan and cell phones don’t work anymore, I will still be able to call you and complain about it from a payphone or something, because I Will Know Your Phone Number By Heart.
35. the benefits of this skill will be drastically reduced if regular phones also stop working when the Shit Hits The Fan.
36. I sometimes get lost in my own logic. see above.
37. I like to read.
38. some of my favorite authors are Margaret Atwood, Salman Rushdie, and John Steinbeck.
39. but my favorite page of literature Of All Damn Time is the last page of The Great Gatsby.
40. I like shoes.
41. but I’m not very good at walking in the tall ones.
42. last time I went on vacation I fell down—due to a piss-poor attempt to walk in tall shoes—and hit my face on the floor.
43. it hurt. and it left marks, too.
44. this tall-shoe-walking problem is unfortunate, because I am not very tall, and feel my life would be greatly improved if only I could walk in tall shoes without hitting my face on the ground.
45. I have to pee every fifteen minutes.
46. it’s probably somehow connected to how I always think I’m going to pee my pants when I laugh too hard.
47. or, maybe it has something to do with that time when I was little when my uncle held me down and tickled me until I actually did pee my pants?
48. today I was talking to my sister while I was peeing, and she made me laugh so hard that I fell off the toilet.
49. so, maybe the problem isn’t the peeing; but the fact that I just laugh too much, or too hard, or something?
50. if there is one thing I can be sure of in life, it’s that we definitely shouldn’t be worried about laughing too much.
51. although, it is still fair to worry about peeing one’s pants.
52. it is also fair to worry about airplane crashes, tornados, and avian bird flu.
53. and bathing suits.
54. I have a boyfriend.
55. he is supertastically creative and talented with the movie-making and what not.
56. I think if you go to his ‘my space’ thinger, you can see some of his movies.
57. I kind of think that my space is like blogging for people who don’t like to write, but who do like pictures, and are also drunk on the power to make loud music come out of your computer when you innocently stumble across their page.
58. I still think I will have to get a myspace space, though.
59. because all the cool kids have one.
60. and I so desperately need to be cool.
61. but I would settle for a cocktail.
62. I like purses.
63. I also like clothes.
64. yes, I know this makes me a bad person.
65. I have a major shopping problem. you’d think that I hate money, the way I try to get rid of it as fast as I can whenever I have some.
66. because of this shopping problem, I haven’t seen the floor of my closet—ummm, ever.
67. I’m getting better, though.
68. about the shopping, not so much the closet.
69. I tend to be very sarcastic.
70. most people don’t like me when they first meet me, because they don’t know that I’m just joking with them.
71. life has gotten a lot better, now that I’ve figured that out.
72. I laugh a lot, but I am easily irritated.
73. impatient, even.
74. but I try to keep it in check, as much as possible.
75. it’s not always easy.
76. like, when I think about Dick Cheney, for instance.
77. I think he is the devil.
78. he irritates me, and I can’t seem to keep it in check.
79. at the moment, I am irritated by the fact that writing one hundred things about myself is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.
80. we should blame Erika, because she’s the one who said that she only wants to read about me.
81. so, it’s really her fault that I’m writing this at all.
82. Erika is one of my best friends.
83. she lives in Denver.
84. that sucks real bad for me, because I don’t.
85. fortunately, my love for this crazy-ass bitch cannot be diminished by space.
86. I have had a toe ring on my right foot for seven years.
87. and I have no idea why I just thought about that.
88. I also have a scar on my right pinky, because a dog tried to eat me when I was a baby.
89. it must have sucked, but I don’t remember it.
90. I do remember this one time, when I was seven, I was riding in the car with my mom and my sister—who was a baby—and all the sudden my mom pulled over and ripped my sister out of her car seat, and it looked like she was beating her or something.
91. I thought my mom was trying to kill her, and I just sat there wondering if I should get out of the car and start running.
92. it turned out my sister was choking on a piece of candy, and my mom was actually saving her life.
93. I was a paranoid child.
94. some people would argue it’s a problem that never went away.
95. anyhow, my mom hates it when I tell that story.
96. hi, mom!
97. it’s funny, because I bet she probably really did want to choke us sometimes.
98. like, now?
99. my lucky number is five, but I suppose I should have written that in the number five spot.
100. I can write a lot of words without really saying anything.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

berfday!!!! or, holy fuck, i am old.

so, i wasn't going to say anything at all.
but then, i looked at my BLOGGER STUPID ASS REMEMBER WHEN MY BIRTHDAY is stupid ass profile, and it told me that i am now 28.


as in, old.

or, older than i was 4 hours ago.

you won't tell anyone, right?

p.s. this random drunken post is soon to be followed by pictoral evidence of me doing things on my birthday, other than blogging.

because, i love blogging.
but, please.