Substance is for the Birds. Or, One Hundred Things
1. my name is tiffany.
2. my mom says she knew that would be my name as soon as she found out she was pregnant.
3. I’m glad I turned out to be a girl. most of the time.
4. I am a princess.
5. I have a crown to prove it.
6. I have lots of freckles.
7. my favorite color is brown.
8. I collect elephants.
9. I have no idea why, except maybe that my grandma collected owls, and elephants seemed equally random.
10. I had the best two grandmas to ever exist on the face of the planet.
11. they weren’t knitting and rocking chair grandmas. they were more like traveling, golfing, swearing grandmas.
12. I swear a lot, too.
13. I have an older brother and three younger sisters. their names are matt, jillian, ryan, and amber.
14. the amber who comments—and is pictured—on this blog is not my sister. although, our parents have been friends for a very long time.
15. I also have a roommate who might as well be my sister, because we have lived together for five years. roommate, life-mate, whatever. (edit--now, ex-roommate. still like a sister, though)
16. my roommate and I both hope to find truly fulfilling relationships with someone—boys!—other than each other some day, but don’t generally feel all that optimistic about it. (edit--she recently got down to business and now seems to have found this.)
17. we need to move the fuck out of michigan. (she is pregnant, so she probably won't be moving anywhere with me now. which is fine, because i'm totally not moving away and missing out on the niece she is busy making for me.)
18. speaking of needing to move the fuck out of michigan, I should tell you that I have lived, worked, and gone to school in the same 25 mile circumference for my Entire Damn Life.
19. I have faith that we will eventually escape—hopefully with my little sister as well.
20. I just graduated from eastern michigan university with a BA in language, literature, and writing.
21. but, I still enjoy intentionally bad grammar, made-up words, and lower case letters where upper case letters should be.
22. when I grow up, I want to teach community college.
23. but I will consider any job that doesn’t take place in a restaurant, as long as there is health insurance involved.
24. I am very worried that I am supposed to be grown up already.
25. I am also very worried that growing up somehow involves some sort of baby-having or getting married, and I’m not entirely sure these are things I would be good at, at all.
26. the first time I went to college, I was a music major.
27. that didn’t work out very well.
28. when I consider the fact that I quit music school in order to get a degree in literature, it makes me realize that I am quite good at finding absolutely useless things to do with my time.
29. writing this list might be another good example.
30. or, writing this blog in general.
31. speaking of writing my blog, about half of the times that I type my blog’s URL into my browser, I accidentally spell tiffany with three f’s, instead of two.
32. my typing skills do not seem to reflect the fact that I have had to write eleventy hundred essays and papers in the last five years.
33. probably for the same reason that I always type URL’s into my browser, I never use speed dial, nor do I use the phonebook thinger on my cell phone. I punch the numbers in every time.
34. I’m not sure why I do this, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing, because (a) it must be good for my memory, and (b) if the shit ever hits the fan and cell phones don’t work anymore, I will still be able to call you and complain about it from a payphone or something, because I Will Know Your Phone Number By Heart.
35. the benefits of this skill will be drastically reduced if regular phones also stop working when the Shit Hits The Fan.
36. I sometimes get lost in my own logic. see above.
37. I like to read.
38. some of my favorite authors are Margaret Atwood, Salman Rushdie, and John Steinbeck.
39. but my favorite page of literature Of All Damn Time is the last page of The Great Gatsby.
40. I like shoes.
41. but I’m not very good at walking in the tall ones.
42. last time I went on vacation I fell down—due to a piss-poor attempt to walk in tall shoes—and hit my face on the floor.
43. it hurt. and it left marks, too.
44. this tall-shoe-walking problem is unfortunate, because I am not very tall, and feel my life would be greatly improved if only I could walk in tall shoes without hitting my face on the ground.
45. I have to pee every fifteen minutes.
46. it’s probably somehow connected to how I always think I’m going to pee my pants when I laugh too hard.
47. or, maybe it has something to do with that time when I was little when my uncle held me down and tickled me until I actually did pee my pants?
48. today I was talking to my sister while I was peeing, and she made me laugh so hard that I fell off the toilet.
49. so, maybe the problem isn’t the peeing; but the fact that I just laugh too much, or too hard, or something?
50. if there is one thing I can be sure of in life, it’s that we definitely shouldn’t be worried about laughing too much.
51. although, it is still fair to worry about peeing one’s pants.
52. it is also fair to worry about airplane crashes, tornados, and avian bird flu.
53. and bathing suits.
54. I have a boyfriend.
55. he is supertastically creative and talented with the movie-making and what not.
56. I think if you go to his ‘my space’ thinger, you can see some of his movies.
57. I kind of think that my space is like blogging for people who don’t like to write, but who do like pictures, and are also drunk on the power to make loud music come out of your computer when you innocently stumble across their page.
58. I still think I will have to get a myspace space, though.
59. because all the cool kids have one.
60. and I so desperately need to be cool.
61. but I would settle for a cocktail.
62. I like purses.
63. I also like clothes.
64. yes, I know this makes me a bad person.
65. I have a major shopping problem. you’d think that I hate money, the way I try to get rid of it as fast as I can whenever I have some.
66. because of this shopping problem, I haven’t seen the floor of my closet—ummm, ever.
67. I’m getting better, though.
68. about the shopping, not so much the closet.
69. I tend to be very sarcastic.
70. most people don’t like me when they first meet me, because they don’t know that I’m just joking with them.
71. life has gotten a lot better, now that I’ve figured that out.
72. I laugh a lot, but I am easily irritated.
73. impatient, even.
74. but I try to keep it in check, as much as possible.
75. it’s not always easy.
76. like, when I think about Dick Cheney, for instance.
77. I think he is the devil.
78. he irritates me, and I can’t seem to keep it in check.
79. at the moment, I am irritated by the fact that writing one hundred things about myself is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.
80. we should blame Erika, because she’s the one who said that she only wants to read about me.
81. so, it’s really her fault that I’m writing this at all.
82. Erika is one of my best friends.
83. she lives in Denver.
84. that sucks real bad for me, because I don’t.
85. fortunately, my love for this crazy-ass bitch cannot be diminished by space.
86. I have had a toe ring on my right foot for seven years.
87. and I have no idea why I just thought about that.
88. I also have a scar on my right pinky, because a dog tried to eat me when I was a baby.
89. it must have sucked, but I don’t remember it.
90. I do remember this one time, when I was seven, I was riding in the car with my mom and my sister—who was a baby—and all the sudden my mom pulled over and ripped my sister out of her car seat, and it looked like she was beating her or something.
91. I thought my mom was trying to kill her, and I just sat there wondering if I should get out of the car and start running.
92. it turned out my sister was choking on a piece of candy, and my mom was actually saving her life.
93. I was a paranoid child.
94. some people would argue it’s a problem that never went away.
95. anyhow, my mom hates it when I tell that story.
96. hi, mom!
97. it’s funny, because I bet she probably really did want to choke us sometimes.
98. like, now?
99. my lucky number is five, but I suppose I should have written that in the number five spot.
100. I can write a lot of words without really saying anything.
2. my mom says she knew that would be my name as soon as she found out she was pregnant.
3. I’m glad I turned out to be a girl. most of the time.
4. I am a princess.
5. I have a crown to prove it.
6. I have lots of freckles.
7. my favorite color is brown.
8. I collect elephants.
9. I have no idea why, except maybe that my grandma collected owls, and elephants seemed equally random.
10. I had the best two grandmas to ever exist on the face of the planet.
11. they weren’t knitting and rocking chair grandmas. they were more like traveling, golfing, swearing grandmas.
12. I swear a lot, too.
13. I have an older brother and three younger sisters. their names are matt, jillian, ryan, and amber.
14. the amber who comments—and is pictured—on this blog is not my sister. although, our parents have been friends for a very long time.
15. I also have a roommate who might as well be my sister, because we have lived together for five years. roommate, life-mate, whatever. (edit--now, ex-roommate. still like a sister, though)
16. my roommate and I both hope to find truly fulfilling relationships with someone—boys!—other than each other some day, but don’t generally feel all that optimistic about it. (edit--she recently got down to business and now seems to have found this.)
17. we need to move the fuck out of michigan. (she is pregnant, so she probably won't be moving anywhere with me now. which is fine, because i'm totally not moving away and missing out on the niece she is busy making for me.)
18. speaking of needing to move the fuck out of michigan, I should tell you that I have lived, worked, and gone to school in the same 25 mile circumference for my Entire Damn Life.
19. I have faith that we will eventually escape—hopefully with my little sister as well.
20. I just graduated from eastern michigan university with a BA in language, literature, and writing.
21. but, I still enjoy intentionally bad grammar, made-up words, and lower case letters where upper case letters should be.
22. when I grow up, I want to teach community college.
23. but I will consider any job that doesn’t take place in a restaurant, as long as there is health insurance involved.
24. I am very worried that I am supposed to be grown up already.
25. I am also very worried that growing up somehow involves some sort of baby-having or getting married, and I’m not entirely sure these are things I would be good at, at all.
26. the first time I went to college, I was a music major.
27. that didn’t work out very well.
28. when I consider the fact that I quit music school in order to get a degree in literature, it makes me realize that I am quite good at finding absolutely useless things to do with my time.
29. writing this list might be another good example.
30. or, writing this blog in general.
31. speaking of writing my blog, about half of the times that I type my blog’s URL into my browser, I accidentally spell tiffany with three f’s, instead of two.
32. my typing skills do not seem to reflect the fact that I have had to write eleventy hundred essays and papers in the last five years.
33. probably for the same reason that I always type URL’s into my browser, I never use speed dial, nor do I use the phonebook thinger on my cell phone. I punch the numbers in every time.
34. I’m not sure why I do this, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing, because (a) it must be good for my memory, and (b) if the shit ever hits the fan and cell phones don’t work anymore, I will still be able to call you and complain about it from a payphone or something, because I Will Know Your Phone Number By Heart.
35. the benefits of this skill will be drastically reduced if regular phones also stop working when the Shit Hits The Fan.
36. I sometimes get lost in my own logic. see above.
37. I like to read.
38. some of my favorite authors are Margaret Atwood, Salman Rushdie, and John Steinbeck.
39. but my favorite page of literature Of All Damn Time is the last page of The Great Gatsby.
40. I like shoes.
41. but I’m not very good at walking in the tall ones.
42. last time I went on vacation I fell down—due to a piss-poor attempt to walk in tall shoes—and hit my face on the floor.
43. it hurt. and it left marks, too.
44. this tall-shoe-walking problem is unfortunate, because I am not very tall, and feel my life would be greatly improved if only I could walk in tall shoes without hitting my face on the ground.
45. I have to pee every fifteen minutes.
46. it’s probably somehow connected to how I always think I’m going to pee my pants when I laugh too hard.
47. or, maybe it has something to do with that time when I was little when my uncle held me down and tickled me until I actually did pee my pants?
48. today I was talking to my sister while I was peeing, and she made me laugh so hard that I fell off the toilet.
49. so, maybe the problem isn’t the peeing; but the fact that I just laugh too much, or too hard, or something?
50. if there is one thing I can be sure of in life, it’s that we definitely shouldn’t be worried about laughing too much.
51. although, it is still fair to worry about peeing one’s pants.
52. it is also fair to worry about airplane crashes, tornados, and avian bird flu.
53. and bathing suits.
54. I have a boyfriend.
55. he is supertastically creative and talented with the movie-making and what not.
56. I think if you go to his ‘my space’ thinger, you can see some of his movies.
57. I kind of think that my space is like blogging for people who don’t like to write, but who do like pictures, and are also drunk on the power to make loud music come out of your computer when you innocently stumble across their page.
58. I still think I will have to get a myspace space, though.
59. because all the cool kids have one.
60. and I so desperately need to be cool.
61. but I would settle for a cocktail.
62. I like purses.
63. I also like clothes.
64. yes, I know this makes me a bad person.
65. I have a major shopping problem. you’d think that I hate money, the way I try to get rid of it as fast as I can whenever I have some.
66. because of this shopping problem, I haven’t seen the floor of my closet—ummm, ever.
67. I’m getting better, though.
68. about the shopping, not so much the closet.
69. I tend to be very sarcastic.
70. most people don’t like me when they first meet me, because they don’t know that I’m just joking with them.
71. life has gotten a lot better, now that I’ve figured that out.
72. I laugh a lot, but I am easily irritated.
73. impatient, even.
74. but I try to keep it in check, as much as possible.
75. it’s not always easy.
76. like, when I think about Dick Cheney, for instance.
77. I think he is the devil.
78. he irritates me, and I can’t seem to keep it in check.
79. at the moment, I am irritated by the fact that writing one hundred things about myself is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.
80. we should blame Erika, because she’s the one who said that she only wants to read about me.
81. so, it’s really her fault that I’m writing this at all.
82. Erika is one of my best friends.
83. she lives in Denver.
84. that sucks real bad for me, because I don’t.
85. fortunately, my love for this crazy-ass bitch cannot be diminished by space.
86. I have had a toe ring on my right foot for seven years.
87. and I have no idea why I just thought about that.
88. I also have a scar on my right pinky, because a dog tried to eat me when I was a baby.
89. it must have sucked, but I don’t remember it.
90. I do remember this one time, when I was seven, I was riding in the car with my mom and my sister—who was a baby—and all the sudden my mom pulled over and ripped my sister out of her car seat, and it looked like she was beating her or something.
91. I thought my mom was trying to kill her, and I just sat there wondering if I should get out of the car and start running.
92. it turned out my sister was choking on a piece of candy, and my mom was actually saving her life.
93. I was a paranoid child.
94. some people would argue it’s a problem that never went away.
95. anyhow, my mom hates it when I tell that story.
96. hi, mom!
97. it’s funny, because I bet she probably really did want to choke us sometimes.
98. like, now?
99. my lucky number is five, but I suppose I should have written that in the number five spot.
100. I can write a lot of words without really saying anything.
posted by tiffany at 7:14 PM
8 Comments:
you are so correct regarding the grandma thing. you only have one elephant so i hardly think that constitutes a collection. your freckles are fabulous. you are not moving away as your not quite ready for the detachment. i saved her from choking but i saved you from being eaten by the dog. you are more than a princess and probably the only one that doesnt know. you forgot to add that you love to dance!
is eleventy hundred more than eleven hundred? regarding # 60: why want what already is?
mommala--
i have i have 9 elephants!
you're thinking of the big elephant picture, but i also have elephant book ends and the elephant lamp and three of the same elephant stuffed animal that john kept getting me over and over again.
among others.
so there.
mommala--
also, for kicks, we could ask...
what are you subjecting your children to, that one of them nearly choked and the other was nearly eaten by a dog?
hmmm?
just kidding.
love you, and thanks for the soup!
that wasn't really 100 things about you. a bunch were about other people. like your friend living in denver and what not.
also, what's wrong with knitting?!? I knit! (acctually i used to knit. i havn't for over a year.)
perhaps not 100 things, but definitely enough things.
also, i think it is fantastic that you knit, and you should make me some mittens while you're waiting for everything to work out with the peace corps.
I love you!
I punch the numbers in every time.
34. I’m not sure why I do this, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing, because (a) it must be good for my memory, and (b) if the shit ever hits the fan and cell phones don’t work anymore, I will still be able to call you and complain about it from a payphone or something, because I Will Know Your Phone Number By Heart.
this explains it.....
i didn't know you collected elephants....( or 'hefalumps' as one common male you and your sister have in your life once referred to them as....)???
well,that will certainly make christmas and birthdays a whole lot easier in the future..... no more of the same books for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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