Monday, April 17, 2006

scenes from the bar

setting:
the day before easter.
downtown ann arbor.
a bar.


scene one:
a fabulous red-headed bartender pours a beer for THE ONE BAR GUEST THAT EXISTS AT HER BAR. she leans back against the bar, and wonders when she might be forced to move again.

scene two (also, three, four, and five):
the fabulous red-headed bartender keeps putting money into the jukebox, because she is soooo bored that she may accidently stab herself in the eye, were it not for the jukebox music.
she plays songs like: say it ain't so (weezer), nothingman (pearljam), classic girl (jane's addiction), i stay away (alice in chains), southern cross(csny), and regulate (nate dogg and warren g--yes, i know it doesn't seem right, deal with it). she may have also played a few prince songs, and then denied it to a bar guest who thought the music was lame. although, she may have given herself away with the booty-shaking and whatnot.

scene six; in which it is suddenly very busy:

me (the formerly fabulous red-headed bartender): hheeeeeellllllpppppp!!!!!

justin (manager-on-duty-extrordinaire): what the ffuuuuccckkkkkk is going on?

both of us: look around in disbelief. realize we are totally fucked. bust ass for many hours without ever stopping once, and then...

scene seven:

***a drunk boy sits his yucky frat-boy ass ON my bar.***

me: i'm sorry hun, but you need to get your butt off my bar.

crazy butt-on-bar-guy: i have a medical problem.

me: which requires you to sit up on bars?

crazy butt-on-bar-guy: well, i just need to be sitting down.

me: well, there are four empty bar stools right behind you.

crazy butt-on-bar-guy: i'm from Denmark.

me, inwardly: is there something about people from denmark that i don't know, something that involves sitting in unusual places? oh, wait. this boy sounds like he's from TENNESSEE.

me: you're from Denmark? nice accent.

crazy butt-on-bar-guy: you don't have to be a bitch.*

me: and you don't have to sit yourself on my bar.

crazy butt-on-bar-boy: if you kick me off this bar, i'm going to take a shit on the floor.

me: you know what? i'm pretty sure that would be more embarrassing for you than it would be for me.

crazy butt-on-bar-boy: so, it's ok if i take a shit right here in the middle of the bar?

me: sure, go ahead.

crazy butt-on-bar-boy: ***stare of confusion, probably upset that he couldn't make me scream at him.***

***5 minutes later***

crazy butt-formerly-on-bar-but-now-not-boy: can i get a shot of jager?

me: umm....no.

crazy but-and-all-that-you-know-who-i-mean-boy: why not?

me: because i hate you.

crazy kid whom i hate with my whole self: are you allowed to say that to me?

me, turning to justin: justin, am i allowed to tell this kid i hate him?

justin: yes.

me: ***turn back to annoying kid, giving him a look that says 'would you like me to conitnue to mock you, or are you going to go away now?'***

annoying kid: ***goes away***


THE END

*i should have said 'yes, i do have to be a bitch. it's out of my control. just like you can't seem to help being a douche-bag.'

4 comments:

Elyse said...

hhahaha...I wish I would have been there. Nicely done

the liberal samurai said...

LOL... As a former Tennessee boy I'll make sure my redneck brethren keep their butts off your bar!

tiffany said...

nothing against people from tennessee, of course. just against this particular one.

the liberal samurai said...

Feel free to hold as much against TN as you like, I couldn't wait to get out of there!