Monday, May 15, 2006

the irritable gloriousness of tiffany; or, nacho ladies and other things that get me right pissed off.

so, i tried real hard* to think of some things that are irritating me lately--because i know you all only love me for my bitchiness.
and i can respect that.
because, my bitchiness? it is a wonder to behold sometimes.

anyhow, i now give you the top five things that are irritating me today.

thing one:
the nacho ladies.
holy crap, these ladies are the devil.
for those of you who don't work in the same restaurant as me--i know there are a few of you out there--the nacho ladies are an infamous twosome who come in at least four days a week for lunch. even though they have done this for the past three years, they still manage to find at least ten things to bitch about it on every visit. there are so many things they hate about eating lunch at our restaurant, that one would think they would decide to never come back again.
but, no.
we just aren't that lucky.

the nacho ladies order the same thing every time they come in--veggie nachos. but it's not that simple. one lady can't have onions, but would like extra green pepper. she doesn't want sour cream, but she does want eleventy hundred sides of salsa. she also does not want to pay for the salsa. she must have two cups of coffee in front of her at all times, but you must cover up one of the cups with a plate, so it doesn't get cold.
something is ALWAYS wrong with this woman's food, but she can never just tell you what it is.
witness the following conversation:
me: how's everything going over here, ladies?
evil nacho lady: oh, everything's...*she wistfully looks into the distance*...fine.
me: are you sure there's nothing i can get for you?
evil nacho lady: no. we're fine.
me:ok, i'll come back and check on you in a few minutes.
i go away.
i come back.

me: are we holding up ok over here, ladies?
evil nacho lady: oh, sure...*gives me a look of blatant unhappiness, despite her clear statement of being ok.*
me: stand there, sort of confused. can tell that nacho lady isn't happy, but she's not saying anything. also, this bitch is never happy and i kind-of have to pee.
evil nacho lady speaks again: do you make your nacho chips, or do you buy them?
me: we make them here.
evil nacho lady: oh.
silence
evil nacho lady: do you make them all in the morning, or just, like, twice a week or something.
me: actually, we make them fresh for every order.
more silence
me: *taking the bait like a sucker* are your chips ok?
evil nacho lady: actually, they seem really stale.

see? this is a classic example of the passive aggressive bitchiness that is the nacho lady. she could have just said that something was wrong with the chips, but no. and, p.s., chips that were made ten minutes ago cannot possibly be stale.
i'm sorry if this doesn't seem all that bad--but, trust me, if you had to deal with it four times a week, it would wear on you, too. and i didn't even tell you about the time that she tried to get a gallon of free salsa because her friend ordered a sandwich, but didn't want any catsup for her french fries. so, she should totally get all that salsa for free, in place of the catsup, right? you know, that catsup that comes on every table, regardless of what you order?
yeah, i can't stand that lady, in case you couldn't tell.
as for the other nacho lady, she's not so bad. her only fault is bad choice of lunchtime companionship.

thing two:
my apartment complex claims that they can't find my rent for this month. which i put into the rent drop-box. because, you know, by the name, i figured that was an ok place to put it. also, i've put it there every month for three years.
so, that sucks pretty bad.
and i hope they find it.
i mean, what kind of person has an extra months rent lying around?

i'll give you a hint:
not a person with the shopping problem that i have.

thing three:
this guy who comes into our bar, and picks his nose and wipes it onto his beer glass. this man also smells like b.o. ninety-six percent of the time, and when he does, it's so bad that you actually have to hold your breath when you're near him. or maybe that's just me, because i have a bad gag reflex.
anyway, aside from the snotty glass and the foul odor, this man sucks because he never leaves more than a quarter for a tip--no matter how long he sits around picking his nose.
fortunately for us, we discovered that he doesn't like music, or noises of any sort.
so now we just turn on the jukebox whenever we see him coming, and he seems to go away pretty quickly.

thing four:
THE RAIN!
the sometimes drizzling, sometimes misting, sometims pouring-so-fucking-hard-that-you're-positive-you're-going-to-be-washed-away-at-any-moment-rain, which it's starting to seem will never EVER end.

thing five:
this thing...
Your 2005 Song Is

Don't Phunk With My Heart by the Black Eyed Peas

"I always want you with me
I'll play Bobby and you'll play Whitney"

You were insanely in love in 2005 - and still might be!


because, hello? first of all, i hate that song. at least, my public self claims to hate that song. and also, i don't want to be whitney.
please, don't make me be whitney.

why, oh why, couldn't i have a cool song?

*as you may already be aware, i didn't have to spend too much time trying to think about things to bitch about. it's like, a natural gift. of sorts. or something.

13 comments:

Pete said...

mine was beverly hills by weezer! WHAT THE F! i don't think that was a very good survey.

babygirl said...

mine was feel good inc by the gorillaz!!!!!!!! i think you might be jealous. it might have been yours if you knew this song before this year :)

themama said...

there is something surely wrong with "irritable gloriousness" should it be glorious irritability?
once it has been experienced, it needs never to be experienced again. Good thing for unconditional love!

tiffany said...

it can be whatever i write it to be.
because i am the boss, and because i didn't think it sounded as funny the other way.

dferd said...

Mine is Blvd of Broken Dreams - Suprise, suprise!

Amber said...

Apparently my song for 2005 is "Since you've been gone" by Miss. Kelly Clarkson...how appropriate.

Elyse said...

Of course I had the nacho ladies again yesterday. They were more annoying than usual, if that's possible. "Pretty soon I'm going to have to start going back there to make my own nachos so I get them the way I like them." The fact that she even thought this, let alone said it, means it's time for nacho ladies to find a new place to eat lunch. "Yesterday they put a lot of lettuce on and we like that. So, if you can have them do that again." After I spend 15 minute typing in all of their special orders, bring out their stupid nachos..."Why did we get one big salsa and one little salsa? Usually we get two big ones?" The fact that the mean one is named Hilda is so appropriate. It sounds like the name of a wicked witch, which is exactly what she is. Sorry Tiff...I just had to vent my frustrations to someone who knows how annoying they are.

David said...

I got the same song as you tiffany. I think it is a silly quiz.

Can't you just be so rude to Nacho ladies that they never come again?

dferd said...

Down with the nacho ladies! Put some pubes on there and call em bean sprouts...oooh Ryan Reynolds..Mmmm...

Amber said...

Oh and I forgot to say how much I absolutely despise the nacho ladies. I also must apologize to Elyse for always pushing them off on her :) But they like you sooooo much.

tiffany said...

amber, you know how we always say "the nacho ladies are here, and there's no way in hell i'm waiting on them?"

i'm glad elyse hasn't figured out how to say that yet.

Amber said...

Oh and about booger man...he once told me that I reminded of his girlfriend when he was in middle school--the one he sat on the swings with, but was too shy to talk to. Hmmmmmm....and then he placed a crusty one on his PBR.

babygirl said...

amber-
i was eating. thanks.