to: kiosk mall worker type people; specifically, the guy who works at the dead sea salt producty kiosk thing.
re: the unbearable annoying-ness
dear guy who loves products made of dead sea salt,
i understand that you have many 'good' products to sell. i understand that dead sea salt apparently has many health advantages and is good for the skin. i know this because you have insisted on giving me the same lecture EVERY TIME I'VE COME TO THE MALL FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS.
on a few occasions, you have actually convinced me to purchase something from you. the manicure set? with that lovely lotion and cuticle oil and crazy nail-buffer-thing? it was great. the problem is that i don't actually give a crap about my nails and my hands. i think i actually used the set once--and my nails and hands were indeed lovely. still, even though i never really got my money out of the product, i considered it a solid investment because whenever i would walk by you or one of your brethren at the mall, i could defend myself. as one of you would grab my hand and attempt to squirt lotion on it WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION, i could snatch my hand away and explain politely that i already had that product, as i walked away to shop for things THAT I ACTUALLY WANTED.
lately, this method has not been working.
today, i walked by you, and as usual you grabbed my hand. as usual, i tried to remove my hand from your aggressive grasp, explaining that i already had that lotion. still grasping my hand, you put the lotion you were holding down and picked up another product. i really just wanted you to stop touching me. but all you cared about was your lotion. finally i told you that i didn't have any extra money to spend, and you let me walk away.
unfortunately, i had to walk by you again on my way out of the mall. i don't think you recognized me because you GRABBED MY HAND AGAIN, even though i was talking on the phone to someone that i called specifically so i could look busy when i walked by you. in case you were wondering, it is very rude to try to talk to someone when they are on the phone--almost as rude as grabbing someone's hand and squirting lotion on it.
in closing, i would like to say please leave me the fuck alone from now on. if i want to purchase any dead sea salt products, i will simply walk up to your kiosk and ask you. i am a grown up and am quite capable of deciding what i want and making purchases on my own. while i respect the fact that you are trying to be a successful salesman, i find that respect negated by the lack of respect that you show for the women who you randomly grab as they walk through the mall. if you touch me again, i may kick you in the balls, or hit you upside the head with my purse or something. i have been nice to you for five years, but now i've had enough. i am putting my foot down.
please leave me the fuck alone, and have a happy holiday season.
thanks for your time,