Sunday, November 19, 2006

an open letter to the kiosk people at the mall

to: kiosk mall worker type people; specifically, the guy who works at the dead sea salt producty kiosk thing.
from: tiffany
re: the unbearable annoying-ness

dear guy who loves products made of dead sea salt,
i understand that you have many 'good' products to sell. i understand that dead sea salt apparently has many health advantages and is good for the skin. i know this because you have insisted on giving me the same lecture EVERY TIME I'VE COME TO THE MALL FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS.
on a few occasions, you have actually convinced me to purchase something from you. the manicure set? with that lovely lotion and cuticle oil and crazy nail-buffer-thing? it was great. the problem is that i don't actually give a crap about my nails and my hands. i think i actually used the set once--and my nails and hands were indeed lovely. still, even though i never really got my money out of the product, i considered it a solid investment because whenever i would walk by you or one of your brethren at the mall, i could defend myself. as one of you would grab my hand and attempt to squirt lotion on it WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION, i could snatch my hand away and explain politely that i already had that product, as i walked away to shop for things THAT I ACTUALLY WANTED.
lately, this method has not been working.
today, i walked by you, and as usual you grabbed my hand. as usual, i tried to remove my hand from your aggressive grasp, explaining that i already had that lotion. still grasping my hand, you put the lotion you were holding down and picked up another product. i really just wanted you to stop touching me. but all you cared about was your lotion. finally i told you that i didn't have any extra money to spend, and you let me walk away.
unfortunately, i had to walk by you again on my way out of the mall. i don't think you recognized me because you GRABBED MY HAND AGAIN, even though i was talking on the phone to someone that i called specifically so i could look busy when i walked by you. in case you were wondering, it is very rude to try to talk to someone when they are on the phone--almost as rude as grabbing someone's hand and squirting lotion on it.
in closing, i would like to say please leave me the fuck alone from now on. if i want to purchase any dead sea salt products, i will simply walk up to your kiosk and ask you. i am a grown up and am quite capable of deciding what i want and making purchases on my own. while i respect the fact that you are trying to be a successful salesman, i find that respect negated by the lack of respect that you show for the women who you randomly grab as they walk through the mall. if you touch me again, i may kick you in the balls, or hit you upside the head with my purse or something. i have been nice to you for five years, but now i've had enough. i am putting my foot down.

please leave me the fuck alone, and have a happy holiday season.
thanks for your time,
tiffany

3 comments:

Jen said...

That's seriously messed up they reach out and touch you in any way... we have agressive kiosk people at the malls here, but they never touch. They just get up in your face and stand in your way.

I think people would freak the fck out if they were grabby like that.

You've been more than patient.

Dude, I would scream "Stop touching me!" as loud as humanly possible.

He would remember me then.

Mikala said...

Oh wow...I might get violent if someone just grabbed my hand. I'm OCD in the way that I HATE to be touched, especially by strangers! I'm with Jen, I'd have to scream, "Stop touching me!" as loudly as possible. I guarantee he'd remember what you looked like then. I did that to a man in Wal-mart that grabbed my hand (long story). But, seriously...that guy's crazy. Do they really think they'll get sales by assaulting people? :0)

PWT said...

This actially happens to me on a weekly basis. Fuckers.