Thursday, March 15, 2007

updatey

so, um...
hi!

how's everyone doing?

i guess this is the part where i'm supposed to thank everyone for their kind and supportive comments.
while i'm at it, i'd like to thank anyone who stopped by and thought i was a) fat, b) ugly, c) stupid, d) self-obsessed, or e) all of the above, but managed to control their urge to leave a comment along the lines of get a grip, woman! there are starving children in the world, who are dying of aids and avian bird flu, and here you are taking up all the taco bell and then complaining that you have too much to eat! sheesh!

it should be noted that i do realize how insignificant my little problem is in the grand scheme of the world...but, at the same time? if i continue to let myself live in a way that makes me miserable on a daily basis--if i continue to live in a way that forces me do confront self hatred every single day--what kind of positive effect can i hope to have on the world around me, from my close friends and family, out into the blogosphere, and beyond?

so, i guess it is kind of important.
self-obsessed, but important.

anyhow, bonus thanks to my girls 'tall one' and 'b.g.' who have regularly had to deal with me when i'm in an inconsolably bitchy mood because i feel fat.
oh, and bonus thanks to all the people who called me pretty.
and the people who said they liked my hair.
you know, i'll actually accept that compliment.
i'm a pretty big fan of my hair.

****

that problem is, i often catch myself thinking:
thank you little baby Jesus, who's sittin' in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...
thank you sweet baby jesus, for giving me this hair, because if i didn't have this great hair i would have to shoot myself in the face and call it a day.


of course, i would never actually shoot myself in the face.
i'm very afraid of guns.
(and matches, and scary movies, and airplanes, and fish, and tornadoes, and driving on the highway, and ghosts, and bugs, and...)
but, anyway. you get the point.

****

i really don't want to underestimate how much it means, that some of you shared that you sometimes feel the same way that i do.
i mean, it doesn't make any pounds spontaneously fly off of my body. it doesn't change anything at all...but the whole thing feels a little better--having finally admitted how much i'm struggling with this, and learning that there are people here with me.
misery loves company, i guess.

to that end, i really must recommend that everyone go become a regular reader of Y's blog, joy unexpected. seriously, if you are one of the commenters who felt like you knew exactly what i was talking about yesterday, YOU. MUST. READ. Y.
she isn't afraid to talk about this stuff, and she does it in the most amazing way. i can't even describe it. she's just so...real.
i know, that was a horrible cop-out of a description.
so, how about you just go check her out, and then you can see what she's like for your damn self.
if you don't feel like fishing for my links in the section above, click here, and you'll be taken to all of her posts that fall in the category of 'body image.'
except, it looks like she hasn't updated the categories recently, so you should really visit each of the first links and check out the stuff she's written more recently, because it's really good.
actually, i take that back.
the whole entire blog, every single word of it, is awesome.
you should read the entire thing, regardless of the state of you personal body image issues.

this has been a public service announcement, brought to you by the letter 'f.'

'f,' for fat.

****

i thought i should give you a little update, to let you know that i worked out yesterday and today.
yesterday, i ruled.
i worked out for 70 minutes. i actually got, you know, sweaty.
today i only worked out for 20 minutes when i got home from work, but i was on my feet running around waiting on people for 6 hours today, so i decided that had to be worth something.*

before you get too proud of me, i should also confess that i ate another mexican pizza from taco bell today.
i did throw it away when half of it was still left...
i guess it's all about the baby steps.
i couldn't stop myself from going to taco bell, but i could stop myself from eating all of it.

edited to add: i was all excited because i was going to tell you that there has been a box of girl scout cookies sitting right next to me for the past 2 hours, and i didn't even eat a single one. except, while i was waiting for my picture to upload...i caved. sigh.

****

so, yeah.
i guess that's all i have for you at this time.
to recap: thank you, i have pretty hair, i'm scared of a lot of things, i worked out twice, and you should go read Y's blog.

in the meantime, i'd like to take a moment to reflect on the good ol' days, before it had ever occurred to me that i should suck my stomach in:



that?
is not a girl with body image issues.

*don't worry, this blog isn't going to become a workout log. in fact, it creeps me out when i read about how many minutes someone worked out for, and it creeps me out to give you a detailed accounting of how much time i spent moving my body around today. but i figured that i can't very well write a post like the one i did yesterday and then not say anything about it. so, i'm saying something now, and i'm going to give an accounting of my workout progress every once in a while, for the benefit of those who might be trying to get into shape, too. strength in numbers, and all that. anyway, the point is, i promise i'm not going to start telling you how many calories i've ingested and how much water i've drank and all that.
ok?
ok.

5 comments:

Aimeepalooza said...

I hate that you have these feelings. It can be so painful even when in the grand scheme of things its not death, poverty or something of that nature. I grew up with a Mother that felt the way you do. You are entitled to write about whatever you want here. And I believe these posts were very difficult and took a lot to write. Anyone who called you names should be ashamed of themselves. Asshats!

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I don't think that your post was self absorbed at all. I know that there are kids starving and dying of AIDS but that is what I watch the news for. I come to your blog to hear about you. And you do have great hair.

Mary Flannery-Scientist said...

God, when I read your last post, I got kind of teary. Thank you thank you thank you for being so brave. I could have written that post (including the part about being scared of everything :). Anyway...I don't even know what to say. I feel so much better. I think the loathing is part of the obesity epidemic. We're scared to even *try* to start taking care of ourselves because it leads to the self-loathing obsession. MS has had to suffer though hours of me sobbing over ill-fitting pants. Remind me to e-mail you some time about the train wreck that was my wedding shower :)

So, thanks to you, I sally forth to Chicago in 15 minutes feeling a lot less nervous. Because more than feeling excited or even nervous about the airplane (GOD I HATE THEM!)...I was scared of a new set of people laughing at me for being fat.

Daniel said...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

But, more importantly, I salute for your courage in expressing yourself. I am very proud of yo to share your "innermost secrets" with the internet.

This is also not the first time you have done so. I cannot imagine the couage it takes to share the things that you have.

Please remember, people do not share thir rep numbers, or running times, or swimming times, etc. to brag (ok, some do, but we know you are not like that), but to help elicit support.

And here is the thing, which has taken me quite a while to learn: it is ok to ask for help! Other people have trouble asking for help too!

Yes, this includes me. Despite being of the male persuasion, I am concerned about my weight (I have gained 20 lbs since graduating college.) It is, in fact, good to be concerned about your weight, it is a major indicator as to how long you will live.

I will never belittle someone for the lifestyle choices they make; however, when someone asks for help I will provide it whenever I am able to do so.

I will tell you tracking the things you eat, and the workouts you do WILL help you on your quest to become more healthy. It does not necessarily have anything to do with how you eat: it has everything to do with your balance.

You can eat as many mexican pizzas as you want, it just remains to be seen if you are willing to lift the weights and do the cardio required to burn the calories.

I for one will be here to support you in your quest. My personal plan is to chart what I eat, and how, when, and where I choose to work out, and proclaim my results. If I find they do not work, I will find another way to try.

I wish you luk on your quest, and I will be more than happy to support you every step of the way.

Dan

BTW You have FABULOUS hair!

Daniel said...

And thankfully, you are much better at spelling and spell checkinh than I am!