Friday, January 05, 2007

once more, for the people in the back

~if you read this post and think to yourself, holy crap, who pissed tiffany off? then i am not speaking to you. but, go ahead and read along anyway. because isn't it fun to see me all riled up?~

yes, i recently moved back in with my parents.
yes, someone gave me a lot of money last week.
yes, i am going to use it to buy a new computer and go on a trip to hawaii.

and i can see where, if you only had time, or only cared to listen to me long enough to hear those three sentences, you might think of me as highly irresponsible and foolish.
but, you know what?

i actually say a lot more than that.
so, if all you can figure out about what's going on in my life can be summed up by those three sentences?
that's really your bad.

but, for the sake of clarity, i will try ONE MORE TIME.
and i'll even do it in list form, in case that helps.

1. i did not move back in with my parents because suddenly, at the age of 28, i forgot how to pay my own rent or take care of any other various task. i moved back home because my roommate had to move out, so she could take care of some very important business. namely, childbirth. as she was not planning on getting pregnant, i was not planning on losing my roommate. when faced with this SUDDEN problem, i decided to move into my parent's house for three reasons.
a. not only was i not financially prepared to live alone, i also have no desire to live alone.
b. my little sister was going to be graduating from college in a few weeks, and would be moving back in herself. i didn't want to rush off and move into whatever last minute apartment i could find, if there was a chance that we could get a place together if i was willing to wait a little bit.
c. i figured that, while i was at home, i might be able to take advantage of the financial situation and go to vegas with my friends or something.

that didn't exactly work out, because my dad decided that i have to pay rent while i live at home. it doesn't really suck, though, because he is going to save that rent money and give it back to me when i move out. but still, it doesn't exactly free up any of my income right at the moment.

2. little did i know, someone would be giving me a large check. which could be deposited into my bank account and turned into money. and spent.

3. i decided to spend some of the money on a new computer, because my computer is 5 years old, and it also just generally sucks balls. we all know that i can't live without a computer for more than 17 and a half minutes at a time, so i really don't consider this a frivolous purchase.
also, i have something called 'goals and dreams.' perhaps you have some of your own? anyway, mine become much more easily attainable when i get a mac and teach myself how to use this one very specific and very frustrating program which, sadly, one can only use if one has access to a mac.
so, there you go.

4. i decided to use the rest of the money to go to hawaii. i'm pretty sure this is where i lost you.
hawaii, you say.
that must be nice.
i wish i lived in my mom's basement and someone would give me a shit-ton of money so i could blow it on whatever and always get what i want, blah, blah, blah.

so, ok.
i'd rather not explain this to you, but i will because now you've pissed me off.

yes, going to hawaii is an enjoyable thing.
yes, i am excited to go.
yes, it is beautiful and relaxing, and above all, expensive.

but, more than any of those things, what i know about hawaii is that it is where my father would like his ashes to be scattered.

i've never told my father's story on this blog--i don't know if i ever will.
but, the person i'm speaking to in this post certainly knows the story. or, they've heard it, at least. i guess i can't be sure they were listening.

but anyway, it's because i know that they know my father's story that i'm so riled up about this right now.

i don't want to go into too much detail...
if i ever do bring my father's story to internet land, i will do it of it's own accord. i will not make it public in an attempt to defend my actions against the words of someone who should know better.

anyway, i will say this.

i didn't really speak to my father much for the last two years he was alive.
apparently, he wasn't REALLY communicating with anyone, because he got very very sick and by the time anyone else knew it was too late. there was nothing we could do but go to the hospital, and sit, and wait, and wonder if he knew we were there, if he was mad at us, or sad, or in pain--wonder if he was really even there at all--until the day we had to take him off of life support, when the only thing we could do, still, was sit there.
and wait.

i found out later, after he was gone, that he had been calling my work and trying to talk to me, regularly, for the entire year before he died.

i don't know why he didn't call my grandpa, or my uncle, or my mother or ANYBODY to find out my own phone number--maybe he was embarrassed to tell someone he didn't have it, i don't know--but, the point is, he didn't.
he called my work.
over, and over, and over again. whoever answered wouldn't give him my number, telling him that it was against company policy. sometimes i was actually at work, but they would say i was busy. if i wasn't there, they would say they didn't know when i'd be in again.
they thought they were doing me a favor, because they knew that i was, well, uncomfortable, to say the least, about speaking to my father.
maybe that's why they never even told me that he was calling--they just didn't want to stress me out.

i mean, they didn't know he was going to die.

but, he did.

he died, thinking that i hated him, i think.

and there is absolutely nothing i can ever do about that.

but i can take his ashes to the one place where i know he repeatedly returned during his life, with various loved ones, and felt happy.

i can take him to a place where he used to take me when i was young, a place where i can remember us being happy together.

that place happens to be hawaii.

i didn't pick it, he did.

and i will take him back there, because it is the only thing i can do.

and if you still think this is a waste of my money, then you can fuck right off.
because, honestly? i can't think of anything more important than this.


Blogger PWT said...

Doesnt this person have anything better to do than piss you off over something that is completely none of their business? Dont explain yourself. Just go.

10:18 AM  
Anonymous amber said...

Tiffany, you don't owe anyone an explanation about how you chose to spend the money!!! If said person who pissed you off is someone I know, my reply to them is DOUCHEBAG, JACKASS, MEAN MOFO!!!!! You are doing what you think is the best way you can honor the memory of your father and in the end you will feel better about that than having an extra couple thousand in the bank or perhaps a new purse. Love ya.

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uhmmm, holy did I get involved in this? Are you talking to me? If so, your mom is a blabbermouth! Do I have an opinion? Absolutely! Does it really matter to me how you spend this not-so-much-but-sure-seems-like-a-big-deal-amount of money? Not really. HOWEVER, since you brought it up, not many people are handed a lump sum of cash at your age. Is it a life-changing amount? Not necessarily. But it could be. (Did you know that a few thousand invested in a Roth IRA right now could turn into tens of thousands of dollars later on?). "Who cares?" you (and Amber) say? But it speaks to you right now. You are 28. You live with your mom. You don't have enough money to live on your own. You are an intelligent, sensitive, hilarious, wonderful person who is a bartender who likes to party. Does this honor your dad? Is this what he wanted for you? As long as you take his ashes to Hawaii, does that make it all good? Perhaps your dad would rather look down from wherever your beliefs believe him to be and see his daughter making a real success of herself**(with help from this money). Something he wasn't able to do. Use your kindness, brilliance, and smartness to move beyond bartender living at home. Buy that mac and create. Develop. Move forward. You deserve this and your dad will be so proud. Trust me, the years march on, quickly. You may have your 'goals and dreams' (FYI: I have them too and have very happily obtained them, thank you) but you need to ACT on them. Before you know it, you will be a 35-year old bartender without enough money to pay rent. Then 40. REALLY and HONESTLY would your dad rather be returned to Hawaii and have his daughter party her ass off Hawaiian-style for a week OR see her make a real effort to obtain her dreams and move forward with her life? That's all I was thinking. I'm not a "douchebag, jackass or mean MOFO". Just want to see you make the best of yourself.
**I know some people's life ambition COULD be to be a bartender living at home (and that's fine), but don't try to say it is yours.
And just one last note as to your item #4: I have never once thought "i wish i lived in my mom's basement...and always get what i want, blah blah blah"
P.S. In case your mother failed to mention this: she also disgrees with your decision.

8:51 PM  
Blogger Jinx said...

One thing to say:
Do what you've got to do...

9:12 PM  
Anonymous b.mohawk said...

Uhm, not that it's my place to add to this really either, but you have to do what makes *YOU* happy in life. Not your parents, alive of passed. Not your peers, not anybody but yourself. If going to Hawaii will mend your troubles, and make you happy. Then fuck it, do it.

Going to Japan 10 tens sure as hell didn't do much to make me rich in terms of money. But the experiences I had there are worth more than all the cash in the World to me.

I hope you can follow through with this. It sounded like such a great gesture of your love for your dad.

10:50 PM  
Anonymous lamama said...

I am the stupidest person alive.


12:32 AM  
Anonymous reb said...

dear tiffany,
i love you a lot


gotham city.

12:49 AM  
Anonymous reb, again said...

p.s. again

i want to kick someone in the teeth


12:52 AM  
Blogger tiffany said...

dear anonymous,
why so sensitive?
i wasn't talking about you!

just kidding.
i was kind of talking about you.
but a more accurate description would be: i heard your criticism, cried about it, and then realized that 9 out of 10 people would probably say the same thing. so, i used the present emotion to write a little post attempting to better explain the state of my life/motives/etc.

the thing is, i didn't think you actually read my blog. had you EVER left a comment before, i might have known better. you sneaky devil.
anyway, the point is, what i wrote was more an act of carthasis than confrontation.

i may have more to say about this later, but i feel i've stressed myself out enough for the moment, so i'm going to go get some snuggles instead.

1:38 AM  
Blogger tiffany said...

sweet goddamn, i meant catharsis.

why can't i spell right when it counts?

1:43 AM  
Anonymous amber said...

And I would like to state for the record that I am only interested in seeing my friend happy with her decision--Also, I never said "who cares" :)Maybe the motivation behind all of this drama is care and concern? Maybe, quite possibly, there is a better and more sensitive way for this all to be dealt with! Love everyone.

1:51 AM  
Blogger tiffany said...

i love love.

1:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Amber. Other means are likely more appropriate, but I am fine with it. We all evaluate the life decisions made by those we care about. We just want you to be happy, and the pursuit of happiness is what guides a good percentage of our decisions (at least it seems like it should). Chalk it up to learning more about each other and figuring out the hard way that the lemamma is really lamouthy.
I hope this doesn't mean you won't save room in your bags for some coconut bras. They would be so disappointed.

10:40 AM  
Blogger tiffany said...

yes, but then you would make the mean dad face at me for giving them the coconut bras!!!!

and, i know a certain little guy who would be disappointed if he didn't get one...
so, really it's just a whole nother (yes, i make up words) fiasco waiting to happen.

and, yet, now that i'm thinking of it...
it seems like it would be really fun.
ha ha.

oh, and i figured you knew that lamama was lamouthiest person EVER.
except, maybe, for me.

i tend to be pretty mouthy my damn self.


3:42 PM  
Blogger amandaladi said...

this certainly is quite a heated debate eh?
maybe 'debate' is the wrong word....
Tif....having known you for more than half your life...
and being a parent myself..
i can understand both sides of this situation...
from a parents perspective...
and from your perspective...
i guess what it comes down to is that no matter what other people want you to do, or need you to do or desire FOR you...
you have to do, what is best for you and no one else...
take what the masses have to say...
swish it around in your mouth for a bit..
and decide if you want to spit it out,
or swallow it...and digest
but it has to be your decision...
i support you in your endeavor because i know what this means to you...i know why you want to do it...i know why you NEED to do this....
who knows when the opportunity may present itself again eh?
maybe the kosmos above worked like this for this very purpose... so you can have the opportunity to help heal your little baby soul from the pain, the guilt and the sorrow that eats inside...

And for the record... your father had contacted me numerous times (mostly because of your sisters)... and asked me how you were doing...if i had talked to you...what numbers did i have to contact you....i think he actually got your work number from me! but then again, it is available thru information as well....and i don't think you had a cell at the time, or if you did, i didn't have the number....
this blog made me cry..... for i so understand what you are going thru deep within your heart and soul hon.....
All of my love to you honey...

i love, love too ....

5:14 PM  
Blogger Mikala said...

Whoa...I am certainly glad I'm not the person (God, I'm not, am I?).

When is it ever going to occur to people that someone else's financial situation is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS?!??!?!?!?!

But, I AM going to let it be known that I AM jealous. Sorry.

2:04 AM  

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