~if you read this post and think to yourself, holy crap, who pissed tiffany off? then i am not speaking to you. but, go ahead and read along anyway. because isn't it fun to see me all riled up?~
yes, i recently moved back in with my parents.
yes, someone gave me a lot of money last week.
yes, i am going to use it to buy a new computer and go on a trip to hawaii.
and i can see where, if you only had time, or only cared to listen to me long enough to hear those three sentences, you might think of me as highly irresponsible and foolish.
but, you know what?
i actually say a lot more than that.
so, if all you can figure out about what's going on in my life can be summed up by those three sentences?
that's really your bad.
but, for the sake of clarity, i will try ONE MORE TIME.
and i'll even do it in list form, in case that helps.
1. i did not move back in with my parents because suddenly, at the age of 28, i forgot how to pay my own rent or take care of any other various task. i moved back home because my roommate had to move out, so she could take care of some very important business. namely, childbirth. as she was not planning on getting pregnant, i was not planning on losing my roommate. when faced with this SUDDEN problem, i decided to move into my parent's house for three reasons.
a. not only was i not financially prepared to live alone, i also have no desire to live alone.
b. my little sister was going to be graduating from college in a few weeks, and would be moving back in herself. i didn't want to rush off and move into whatever last minute apartment i could find, if there was a chance that we could get a place together if i was willing to wait a little bit.
c. i figured that, while i was at home, i might be able to take advantage of the financial situation and go to vegas with my friends or something.
that didn't exactly work out, because my dad decided that i have to pay rent while i live at home. it doesn't really suck, though, because he is going to save that rent money and give it back to me when i move out. but still, it doesn't exactly free up any of my income right at the moment.
2. little did i know, someone would be giving me a large check. which could be deposited into my bank account and turned into money. and spent.
3. i decided to spend some of the money on a new computer, because my computer is 5 years old, and it also just generally sucks balls. we all know that i can't live without a computer for more than 17 and a half minutes at a time, so i really don't consider this a frivolous purchase.
also, i have something called 'goals and dreams.' perhaps you have some of your own? anyway, mine become much more easily attainable when i get a mac and teach myself how to use this one very specific and very frustrating program which, sadly, one can only use if one has access to a mac.
so, there you go.
4. i decided to use the rest of the money to go to hawaii. i'm pretty sure this is where i lost you.
hawaii, you say.
that must be nice.
i wish i lived in my mom's basement and someone would give me a shit-ton of money so i could blow it on whatever and always get what i want, blah, blah, blah.
i'd rather not explain this to you, but i will because now you've pissed me off.
yes, going to hawaii is an enjoyable thing.
yes, i am excited to go.
yes, it is beautiful and relaxing, and above all, expensive.
but, more than any of those things, what i know about hawaii is that it is where my father would like his ashes to be scattered.
i've never told my father's story on this blog--i don't know if i ever will.
but, the person i'm speaking to in this post certainly knows the story. or, they've heard it, at least. i guess i can't be sure they were listening.
but anyway, it's because i know that they know my father's story that i'm so riled up about this right now.
i don't want to go into too much detail...
if i ever do bring my father's story to internet land, i will do it of it's own accord. i will not make it public in an attempt to defend my actions against the words of someone who should know better.
anyway, i will say this.
i didn't really speak to my father much for the last two years he was alive.
apparently, he wasn't REALLY communicating with anyone, because he got very very sick and by the time anyone else knew it was too late. there was nothing we could do but go to the hospital, and sit, and wait, and wonder if he knew we were there, if he was mad at us, or sad, or in pain--wonder if he was really even there at all--until the day we had to take him off of life support, when the only thing we could do, still, was sit there.
i found out later, after he was gone, that he had been calling my work and trying to talk to me, regularly, for the entire year before he died.
i don't know why he didn't call my grandpa, or my uncle, or my mother or ANYBODY to find out my own phone number--maybe he was embarrassed to tell someone he didn't have it, i don't know--but, the point is, he didn't.
he called my work.
over, and over, and over again. whoever answered wouldn't give him my number, telling him that it was against company policy. sometimes i was actually at work, but they would say i was busy. if i wasn't there, they would say they didn't know when i'd be in again.
they thought they were doing me a favor, because they knew that i was, well, uncomfortable, to say the least, about speaking to my father.
maybe that's why they never even told me that he was calling--they just didn't want to stress me out.
i mean, they didn't know he was going to die.
but, he did.
he died, thinking that i hated him, i think.
and there is absolutely nothing i can ever do about that.
but i can take his ashes to the one place where i know he repeatedly returned during his life, with various loved ones, and felt happy.
i can take him to a place where he used to take me when i was young, a place where i can remember us being happy together.
that place happens to be hawaii.
i didn't pick it, he did.
and i will take him back there, because it is the only thing i can do.
and if you still think this is a waste of my money, then you can fuck right off.
because, honestly? i can't think of anything more important than this.