Wednesday, February 28, 2007

the one where i answer the effing questions already

hey, remember how i'm supposed to be answering the questions i found at sarah's blog?

yeah, i sort of forgot about it, too.
you know, if 'forgot' means i got lost for a few days inside 12 shoe boxes full of pictures, then yeah. i forgot.

anyway, i suppose it's time to wrap this S.O.B. up.

question 2: have you ever had an out of body experience?

the short answer is no.
but as i've never stopped at the short answer before, i'll go ahead and elaborate.
i've never had an 'out of body experience,' but i think i might have had an 'other-worldly' experience.
i've always remembered a dream i had about my paternal grandmother--it was when i was about 22 years old, which means she had been gone for 8 or 9 years when it happened. i had a dream that my whole extended family was together in my grandparent's old house, which they hadn't had since i was maybe 5 years old. everyone was just hanging out--laughing, talking, fighting over scattergories answers. you know, the usual. but then i noticed my grandma sitting on the couch in the middle of everyone. i think i was the only one who could see her, and she didn't say anything. she didn't even move. she was just watching us.
could it be some leftover energy of my grandma's purposely trying to show me that she is still with us, watching us all the time?
or was it just a dream?
i've never been married to the idea that the dream was definitively some sort of visit from another realm, but it has always been in the back of my head--like, a possibility.

but, i would be lying if i told you that it doesn't seem more likely after the dream i had about my dad.

about two weeks after my dad died, i had a really bizarre dream.
i was working at the bar, and it was busy the way the bar can only be busy in your dreams. if you've ever worked in a restaurant, you'll probably know what i mean.
we have these dreams A LOT. it's like you're working in your bar, and all of the sudden there are 60 more tables than normal and they're all full and you're the only one working.
anyway, it was one of those kind of dreams.
i was running around in a huge crowd of people with a tray full of drinks, and all of the sudden i saw my dad run by with his own tray of drinks. for a second i was glad that i had some help, and then i remembered that my dad was dead, and i got very freaked out.
i put my tray down and went over to confront him.
before i could say anything, he put his hand up and said don't worry, i'm fine.
i said um, you've been dead for two weeks.
he again said don't worry, i'm fine.
and i said well, you definitely shouldn't be working. you're going to make yourself sick. you should rest.

still, all he would say was don't worry, i'm fine.
normally, i would do a better job of calling someone out if they were dead and trying to work at the bar.
you know, if that sort of thing ever happened, which obviously it doesn't.
but as i dream-talked to my dead father, it was like i got lost in a trance. his eyes were literaly like the ocean--it seemed like you could swim into them, and they seemed to be truly neverending. i'm struggling here to find the words to accurately describe the way they looked.
i guess it's enough, to say looking into them was sort of like looking into eternity.

and i never say sentimental shit like that, so you can assume i really mean it.

anyway, then 'don't stop til you get enough,' the michael jackson song, came on the jukebox and my dad and i started dancing around.

i woke up suddenly, and i was drenched in sweat.
normally, this would have been a nightmare.
i have 'nightmares' all the time, where nothing scary actually happens, but for some reason i wake up scared out of my mind.
john was sleeping next to me, and normally when i have a 'nightmare' i hit him over and over and repeat 'i'm having a nightmare' until he rolls over and holds me while i fall back asleep.

this time, i didn't wake him up.
this time, i woke up with a sense of calm unlike anything i'd ever felt before.
it was like i had taken a few too many xanax, really.
(and no, i hadn't taken a xanax that day. just for the record)

i'm not trying to assert my experience as any sort of proof of any kind of anything that may or may not happen to us after we die.
i'm just saying that i really felt that my dad was trying to tell, through this dream, me that he was ok.
who knows, maybe it wasn't him, and it was my own subconscious trying to relieve me of the guilt i felt about what happened to him.
to be honest, one possibility is only slightly less extraordinary to me than the other.

question 3: when was your most embarrassing fart, and who was around to 'enjoy' it?

i honestly have never had an embarrassing fart. i guess you could say i have my bodily emissions on lockdown.
but i'm sure one day it'll 'get away from me,' so to speak.
and when it does, you'll be the first to know.

question 4: have you ever watched porn with your sigificant other? was it hot, or weird?

there's definitely been porn around...
for instance, i really like the show cathouse, on hbo. i think it's really funny.
but i don't think we've ever, you know, 'used' porn together.
so i guess i would have to say that it's neither hot, nor weird.
it just is what it is.
(and, to me, it's mostly silly)

question 5: complete the follwing sentence: in my refrigerator/kitchen/pantry, you can always find:

me looking for something to eat.

specifically: vodka and whole grain eggo waffles with blueberries.

so, there.
we're done here.

i'm going back to my piles of pictures now.


Blogger Everything Aimee said...

I think as an educated person, its hard to believe in those dreams. But when I have them, in my gut, I feel like they're real. I never want to admit it because it makes me feel like an idiot, but I do believe in them.

9:09 AM  
Blogger CSL said...

Having worked with los of people on grief issues, I can only say that those sorts of dreams are really common after you lose someone important to you. Real? Does it matter if it brings you peace?

6:10 AM  

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