Thursday, February 22, 2007

the one about the deflowering

Question One: Where were you when you lost your virginity?

(p.s. go here or here or here, if you have no idea what's going on.)

i was in my best friend's brother's bed. but my best friend's brother wasn't there, because he was away at college. my best friend's parents were out of town so she was staying at my house for the week, but we told my mom that we were going to denny's (what is it with high school and going to denny's? is it because it's the only place you can afford to eat?) and instead we went to her house to get our groove on.
wait, did i just make it sound like we were getting our groove on with each other?
because, no.
different guys, different rooms.
(same pathetically short time frame)

i was seventeen, for the record. it was about nine days after my birthday. i remember this because i had decided, at the time, that i wanted to 'lose it' while i was still sixteen. and i tried, damnit. we just couldn't figure it out. isn't that crazy? i mean, it's like the simplest thing in the entire world, and it seriously took us more than three tries to actually 'do the deed.' anyway, i just wanted to let you know that i was seventeen, so i could make myself seem a little more dignified. not like the kids these days--they start 'doing it' at fifteen! and often times it's earlier than that! sluts.

(i'm totally joking. seventeen is also too early, or at least it was for me.*)

anyway, we got home on time that night and no one was the wiser. although, for some bizarre reason my mother started taking pictures of us before we went to bed. i think she was trying to finish a roll of film, and so now i have pictures to memorialize the evening.
maybe i'll find them and scan them later. or maybe not.

so, so far it's just another coming-of-age story, right?
well, this is me we're talking about. so, you must know that the whole thing is about to fall apart.

the next day at school, OF COURSE i had to write notes to one or two of my friends, letting them in on the news. perhaps this was a sign of things to come: now i tell complete strangers on the internet intimate details about my life, then i didn't even consider keeping the 'momentous event' a secret.

i did, however, hope to keep it a secret from my parents.

and i may have been successful, were i not the hugest idiot in the world.

see, i came home from school that day, changed into my work clothes (i worked at a cookie store in the mall. lamest thing ever.), and went off to work.
the problem is this: i am a very lazy and sloppy person, which explains why i changed in my parent's closet and left the clothes i wore to school in a pile on the floor WITH A NOTE I HAD WRITTEN TO SOMEONE, TALKING VERY SPECIFICALLY ABOUT HOW I HAD SEX THE NIGHT BEFORE, FOLDED UP IN THE POCKET.
oh, and i forgot to mention that my mother is, and always has been, a very nosey person. which explains why she searched my pockets AND FOUND THE NOTE.
imagine the total horror that i felt when i returned from work later that evening, boyfriend in tow, and walked in the front door to see my mother holding 'the note.'
i can't remember exactly what happened immediately after that.
i know my mother sat me down and gave me a talk of some sort, which involved the high recommendation of masturbation (like, i decided to have sex because i didn't know that masturbation existed? i don't know), but i seem to have blocked most of it out.
what i do know is that my mother must have taken a deep breath after reading the note and finding out that her baby girl was up to no good, and decided not to totally freak out.
i think parents have to do that sometimes.
you know, they can be very upset or disappointed or worried, but if they can, they have to try to keep the lines of communication open. by not freaking out--not getting mad, not screaming--my mother succeeded in that.
and, really?
she always has.

***we've had fights, i'm not saying we haven't. in fact, we fight a lot.
to this day.
with screaming and crying and the whole nine.
but i can honestly say that there has never been a single moment in my life that i have doubted how much my mother loves me. i have never done anything where i thought, if she knew, she wouldn't like me anymore.
and while i know that's as it should be, i also know there are a lot of people who grow up without that.
i know that i am a very lucky girl.***

but, anyway, this story is not over.
we haven't even touched true embarrassment yet.

as soon as my mom was done lecturing me 'because she just loves me so much and wants me to be happy and make good decisions,' i made the very piss-poor decision to go to a party which we weren't supposed to be having that night (a friday) at my best friend's house.
and, yes, we said we were going to denny's again. apparently we weren't very creative.

so i was at the party for a little while, and of course we decided to 'do it' again.
this time, we were not successful.
because while my mother had tried to keep her cool and let me leave the house and not ground me, after about an hour her mom instincts got the best of her and she drove over to my best friend's house because she was sure that we were there, and not at denny's. and she was right, because moms are ALWAYS right. at least mine is.
seriously, it is frightening.

anyway, i was getting ready to get my groove on (although, i should point out that at this early point in my 'doing it' career, there was really no 'groove' to it) when all of the sudden one of the other kids at the party knocked on the door frantically and told us that my mother was at the front door.
i said, well, what did you tell her?
and he said that he didn't tell her anything, he just closed the door in her face and locked it.
so, yeah.
obviously, that was not going to work.

i totally got dragged home by my earlobe that night.
i will never forget how when my boyfriend heard that my mother was downstairs, he jumped up and ran out of the room, down the hall, and locked himself in the bathroom. but he didn't take his clothes with him.

lucky for him, my mother wasn't interested in coming inside.
she was just there to reclaim her daughter.

still, after all that, the most embarrassing thing was this:

that sunday all my relatives came over for dinner, because it was mother's day.
(i know, i know. not a great present for my mother)

i am the oldest grandchild,** so all of the 'kids' were playing outside, but i was sitting at the dining room table chatting with the grownups when one of my uncles began to tell an off-color joke about some kind of sexual thing--im not exactly sure because he never got to the punchline.
as soon as he realized what he was doing, he stopped and said: i'm sorry, i forgot there were young ears in the room.
to which my dad replied: oh, no. go ahead and tell your joke. tiffany knows ALL ABOUT SEX, DON'T YOU TIFFANY?

so, yeah.
that was probably the most embarrassing thing that had EVER happened to me at that point.

*and i really do plan on writing a post about why that was, outlining some of the things that i think girls should consider before they 'give it up.' and it has nothing to do with the possibility of going to hell because you didn't wait for marriage, or the possibility that the kids at school will call you a slut; rather, it is about recognizing the control that you give someone over your happiness when you participate in this particular activity. THAT is why i was too young, because i didn't know myself well enough yet, because i was still too defined by other people, and because i didn't know how to create my own happiness at that age. that is a dangerous place to be, and in that position, one should be more cautious with one's feelings. i was not. and i regretted it. big time.
but i'm totally bored with this post, so we'll have to discuss the details of this at a later time.

**i should say, i *was* the oldest grandchild at that time. i am now the second oldest. confused?

****edited to add: for anyone who hasn't been around long enough to see her in the comments, yes, my mother does read this blog. but that's ok because there is nothing i could ever say that my mother doesn't already know, because she knows everything. i think she might be a witch. but, for the record, a mostly good witch.****


Anonymous g. sus chrizizzle said...



sex is gross and scary

I'm never doing it ever


2:11 AM  
Blogger Mad Scientist said...

So really, after that pleasant chat with your mom, did you hole up in your room crying "Why, oh why, God, did I not masturbate more often?"

Are you there God? It's me, Tiffany...

9:37 AM  
Blogger CSL said...

Oh, tha's a little painful and also very funny. Especially the idea of your Mom's that if you only knew you had a hand, everything would be fine.

9:59 AM  
Blogger Just Another Girl said...

Love it. LMAO!

10:54 AM  
Blogger A Family's Year of Living Green said...

So, I cannot stop laughing. I'm trying to imagine what I would do if my Mom told me to masturbate. Probably throw up. So funny!

11:46 AM  
Anonymous blur said...

I only have to say I love your mama and can picture the whole scenario in my head and for some sick reason it makes me smile! For an English teacher my punctuation sucks!

8:25 PM  
Anonymous MJ said...

As the newbe oldest grandchild - I am now scarred. The details of your first sexual encounter were not something I needed to know about. Note to self, read Tif's blog with caution! I can hear Lemama trying to justify why one should be masturbating instead. Although I do think I'm glad I never had to hear it personally. I still haven't had the 'talk'. MJ

12:39 PM  
Blogger Palm Springs Savant said...

OMG - what a great read. thanks for sharing. I love "real" stories like that.

Stop by and say hi sometime.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Kendra said...

wow, that was a great story. what an awesome story about your first sexual experience!

7:21 AM  

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