oh, you think you're a freak magnet, huh?
you ain't seen nothin yet, honey.
this morning a woman came into the bar EXACTLY AS I WAS UNLOCKING THE DOOR.
she sat herself down at a table, and proceeded to do something that sounded like hacking up a lung for a few minutes.
eventually i had to go over to the table and see what she wanted, as i was the only one working at the time.
as i stood at the table, about two feet away from her, she neither stopped hacking nor covered her mouth at any time.
she said: (while hacking) i want a double burger. and use the cheapest meat you have.
me, inwardly: wtf? this isn't the super market! you don't get your choice of ground chuck or ground sirloin! p.s. stop coughing on me, witch!
me, out loud: how would you like that burger cooked?
her: rare. medium. medium medium medium rare. medium. rare. medium.
i then run as fast as i can down the stairs to give my boss the puppy dog eyes which he knows to interpret as 'help! the freaks are after me again!' he reminds me that it is the first of the month, and the freaks will be out all day. he sends me back upstairs. i think that 6 pm is looking mighty far away, and wonder if it is too early to make myself a cocktail.
her: can you come over here for a second? i need some help.
i walk over. she is looking at the beer list. she points at a beer called 'goose island honkers ale.'
her: do you think this goose island will help me get rid of my goose flu?
i look around, praying that someone else is standing nearby, because holy shit did she really just say that? i really have no idea how i maintained any kind of somewhat professional composure. alas, no one was around.
me: actually, that's just a normal beer. i don't think it has any medicinal value.
me, inwardly: hello, lady. it's not vodka. sheesh.
her: because, you know, when i was a little girl i got that whooping cough because i lived next to the lake.
i just stand there. i did not know that living next to a lake was a leading cause of whooping cough.
her, still talking, not caring that i'm frozen in horror and confusion and unable to speak: and now i play with a lot of japanese geese, so i think i've probably gotten that goose flu.
me: how about some hot tea, then?
her: that sounds good.
i run away. another server comes in and i make her take the tea over. because if i'm going to die of goose flu, i'm taking all my friends with me. damnit.
i also decide that it is defintitely not too early for a cocktail.