An Open Letter to Airlines

To: Delta, Northwest, American, Continental, Southwest, America West, Spirit, Song, blah blah blah.
Re: The Incredible Level of Suck
From: Tiffany, Queen of Wanting to Keep Her Feet on the Ground

Dear crazy-lazy-moneyhungry-geographicallychallenged airline-decision-making type people,

What the fuck?
I don't want to be rude--but seriously, what the fuck?

I hate to fly. Hate It! With all the hatred I can possibly summon--which is a lot.

But still, I know that I must go places. Because it is fun.
To that end, I have been trying to purchase some plane tickets. I would like to fly from Detroit to Salt Lake City on December 27th, where I will spend what is likely to be a fabulous couple of days with my Aunt Mary and Uncle Tom in their mountain house--most of this time will be spent drinking champagne in the jacuzzi and hopefully not breaking any of Aunt Mary's champagne glasses, which I may or may not have accidently done on a previous visit. It's all hearsay, I tell you.
Then we will drive down to Las Vegas! For New Year's Eve! And also for my Grandpa's 80th birthday party! Which will be at Mandalay Bay! Because my Grandpa is cool like that!
Anyway, I will then need to leave Las Vegas and return to my mundane student-bartender-type life back here in Ann Arbor, Michigan. This will obviously require another airplane ride, hopefully on January 2nd.

Unfortunately, the airline industry has a completely different idea.

The fuckers.

I have "purchased" tickets for this trip 4 separate times, only to find that one or more of the flights I booked was not "confirmed" by the airline in charge of it. I have tried multiple options--expedia, orbitz, and even plain old Delta airlines. Still no luck. I "purchase" my tickets, only to be emailed a few days later and informed that I have to start all over. The ticket-brokers are always nice enough to say that they haven't charged my credit card, and that I won't be charged a penalty fee.
Which, really?
As if you could possibly penalize me because you Sold Me Tickets To A Flight Which Didn't Exist?

I almost just had a stroke thinking about it.

And if you thought that was bad, consider this.
Now they want me fly from Detroit to Salt Lake with a lay-over in Atlanta.
No, you did not just hallucinate.
I said Atlanta.
Because that's on the way, right? I mean, could I get $10 knocked of the ticket price (which I won't even mention because, holy shit) if I was willing to fly into Shanghai on the way to Utah?
I'm just wondering.
Because this all makes very little sense to me.

Kind-of like how on the way home from Las Vegas they want me to fly to phoenix--the complete wrong direction--and then to Atlanta, then to Cincinnati, and then finally to Detroit. Where I will arrive at 9 am.

I'm thinking that someone must have decided that geography is not important knowledge for airline flight plan makers.
And that seems unfortunate.
I would like it if you could try to be a little more helpful.

Thanks for your time,
Tiffany, who is seriously beginning to think that she's not supposed to get on a plane.



I don't think I can talk about this anymore.
I have to sit here and try very hard to grow wings.

Because all this is making me feel even more like getting on a plane is a bad idea.
It seems like the world is trying to send me a message.

But, world?
Why don't you want me to go to Vegas for New Year's?
I promise to be good!
*she crosses her fingers behind her back