Tuesday, December 20, 2005

How To Behave In A Bar--A Public Service Announcement

Now that I'm all done with school and no longer have 18 hundred credit hours and 46 million papers to write every week--I seem to have run out of things to blog about. It's amazing how many things I can find to blog about when I'm supposed to be doing homework. But, now? Not so much.

So I now present Things You Should Not Do In A Bar, some advice from me to you, in list form--because I'm feeling mighty lazy.

*it should be stated that this list is not organized in any particular way. For example, one item does not necessarily constitute a worse offense than the next. Because that would require too much thinking.

1. When you first approach the bar, do not stand there--in plain view of the 25 beers that are on tap, and then tell the bartender that you want 'a beer.' Even if you can not read, you must have been able to learn what the Budweiser tap looks like, right? Just pick a beer!

2. If you do happen to be the annoying person that walks up to a bar where you can see that there are 25 beers on tap and insist on saying you want 'a beer,' don't say 'whatever's cheapest' when the bartender asks you to be more specific. At least not if you expect to be served quickly the next time you come up to the bar. It's kind of like poker--you don't show your cards to the table, right? Likewise, at a bar, don't let the bartender know that you don't have any money if you want good service.

3. Do not remove tips from the bar when you think the bartender isn't looking. I have a fruit cutting knife back there people. I will stab your hand if I see you trying to steal my tip.

4. Do not be a crazy person who comes in everyday and refuse to speak at all, except to say "labatts is good." because really, what does that mean? would you like a labatt? or, are you just letting me know that you like it? it's really confusing to me.

5. Also do not be a crazy person who does all of those things and then go into the bathroom and drop a 10 dollar bill in the toilet and then try to leave without paying, but try to make up for it by letting me know that I can go get your 10 dollars out the toilet if I want to.

6. Do not swear at, or be otherwise rude to, the bartender.

7. Do not whistle, snap, or bang your glass at the bartender.

8. If your bartender or waitperson is female, it is not okay to call her 'darling' or 'sweetheart' unless you are over the age of sixty. And even then you must be careful--because not all girls are as nice as me.

9. Do not roll your eyes at the bartender when you are asked to present your I.D., and then turn out to be 22. Because that makes you dumb.

10. Do not play an entire Mariah Carey album--from 1990--on the jukebox at 11 pm on a Saturday night. Please, please, I'm begging you.

11. If you go up to the bar and order one drink and pay with a credit card, that is ok. It is not ok if you keep doing this every 20 minutes for the entire night. In other words, start a tab!

12. If you and your 27 friends want to do a shot, you should at least pretend to make an attempt to not each order something different. But hey, when you do order 27 different shots at one time, be sure to get pissed that they're not ready in 35 seconds. Because that makes bartending soo much fun.

13. Don't make-out at the bar. I know this is a controversial one. I must admit, I've made-out at the bar before, and I think it might have been fun. But next time you get that urge, try to remember this advice--everyone else in the bar thinks you look like an idiot. Because two people in a bar who are drunk enough to start making-out NEVER look as hot as making-out looks on T.V.
We're all laughing at you. So, keep that in mind.

Oh, I'm going to stop now, because Sex and the City is coming on, and I can watch it because I Don't Have Any Homework.
But I'll post more, better, funnier things not-to-do later.
Or maybe something more interesting will happen.
You never know...


Blogger The Baffled Boy said...

Ha! Good one Tiffany! To be honest I think that very few of those things would happen in a bar in Ireland. Although maybe it depends where you go. I'm with you on all of it except the obviosly contrversial line on making out at the bar. There are certain times in everybody's life when making out with strangers is the best thing you can do. Bars play a large part in that!

3:04 AM  
Blogger Jinx said...

It's all so clear now...
Sorry about the toliet thing...I was really cranky that day...

9:49 AM  
Anonymous Smokin Blonde E said...

Can I make an amendment to making out at the bar...Do not make out at the bar unless you are a hot redheaded girl making out with a rather smokin blonde chica for free drinks while on vacation in a tropical environment!

2:09 PM  
Blogger tiffany said...

oh--yes, fee drinks are also a consideration. sorry bout that.

3:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i like you! i am a bartender as well, and i still bartend keggers at the uni about once a month and im one of those females who doesnt get flattered over a pinch on the ass. some do tho. i dont have a daddy complex that allows me to be flattered over that shit. anyways, i read your writing and i think your brilliant. dont stop! know that song by Le Tigre "hot topic" they should mention your name in it! download it, it roars out names of females who make a healthy difference. im going to keep reading.......

1:57 PM  

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