Some of you may have read my previous post "An Open Letter To Airlines," which I think can be found under the entries from mid-November 2005. In that entry I discussed the horrible hatred that I feel for Airline-Industry-decision-making-type-people, and you should probably check out my archives if you don't know what I'm talking about.
Mostly because I used to be far more interesting than I am now.
Anyhow, I have recently returned from the vacation that was discussed in the above-mentioned post.
And while that vacation was--well--fabulous, to say the least, I would like to take this opportunity to address the one completely sucky aspect of my vacation: flying on airplanes.
So, here we go.
To: Delta, United Airlines, Northwest, Continental, Spirit, Song, American, Southwest, and blah, blah, blah, whatever and ever.
Re: Incredibly Higher Levels of Suck Than Previously Noted
From: Tiffany, Who Hates You Very Much Indeed.
Dear Asshole Airline Type People,*
Why do you refuse to think?
I am confused by this, because I would assume that it would be very difficult to manage to send thousands of people flying through the air to thousands of places every day, and that this job would require lots of thinking.
But apparently, that just is not the case.
For example, you sent me to Atlanta on the way to Salt Lake City from Detroit. This doesn't make very much sense, because it takes 4 hours to fly to Salt Lake City from both Detroit and Atlanta. So the 2 hour flight I was forced to take from Detroit to Atlanta on the way was just extra-bonus flying time, I guess. Only, extra-bonus flying time doesn't exist--so let's just call it what it is, 2 extra hours spent precariously flying 35,000 over the Earth in a very small tin-can looking type compartment with a fat snoring person next to you.
Which leads me to my next complaint...
I know that your industry has taken a hit since 9/11, and I try to feel for you. I bring my own food on the plane because I realize you can no longer afford to feed us on flights that are less than eleventy-hundred hours long. But I just do not understand why you can't sit me next to the people I'm traveling with any more.
I have been flying all over forever (I used to not be scared of it) and I think maybe one time I had to sit apart from the rest of my family. And you airline people were very apologetic about it. Which is not at all what happened on this trip, where you didn't allow us to check in online 24 hours in advance--which I hear is pretty standard these days--and then didn't check us in for our connecting flight when we checked in at the airport in Detroit. We landed in Atlanta 37 minutes before our connecting flight was supposed to leave, and when we tried to check in we were placed in all sorts of random areas of the very large plane (you know, the 2 seat/3 seat/2 seat kind) and were told that it was good news that we could get seats at all.
Good news that we could get seats at all?
Silly us. We thought that the $550 we paid for the tickets would get us a seat.
And also, when I'm sitting next to a lady that is traveling with her 15 relatives, and they're all rowed up happily together on the plane--it really makes me wonder why I can't sit next to the 2 people that I'm traveling with, you know?
Anyhow, we got on the plane.
Because, as stated in the previous post, going on vacation is fun.
And I had taken my xanax and was really doing quite a good job of pretending like I was okay sitting by myself, and I didn't even cry or throw-up on myself when we took off.
But then the next thing I have to complain about happened.
I was seated on the right aisle of the middle three seats of the airplane, in the 2nd row behind 1st class. Which I was initially happy with--because in the middle of the airplane, it's easier to pretend like you're somewhere else--until I realized that one of the things you can no longer afford is enough flight attendants to take care of a Boeing 737.
This was a very disappointing realization.
I was excited when I found out that the movie Cinderella Man was going to be shown on the flight, but no one ever offered me a headset. I asked the flight attendant who was patrolling the aisle 2 seats to my left 4 separate times for a headset, and she told me that someone would be down my side of the aisle to give me a headset. But no one came until they came offering drinks, and then they said they'd be back with a headset. But they never came, either. And so I had to sit there, right under a huge lit-up screen showing a movie that I really wanted to see--with no headset.
Meanwhile, I could see the flight attendant assigned to 1st class hanging out 5 and a half feet in front of me, but I couldn't get her attention. Apparently, it was beneath her to help passengers seated 2 feet behind the first class curtain, even for 4 seconds.
When we returned, we waited in line at the Las Vegas airport for 25 minutes--waiting at the United Airlines desk, because our tickets said we were flying United Airlines. When we got to the desk, we were told that we had to wait in the America West line, instead, because the flight was operated be America West. Even though it didn't say America West anywhere on our tickets or Itinerary.
Then we waited in the America West line for another hour, which culminated with the desk-guy smiling as he gave us our boarding passes--3 middle seats in completely different parts of the plane.
So, I took matters into my own hands.
When we got to the gate, I went up to the desk and started crying, asking them to seat me with at least one person I was traveling with so that I wouldn't throw-up on myself. Which wasn't exactly a lie, because I usually do throw-up on myself on airplanes.
Anyway, the nice gate-lady--apparently the only person of sound mind working in the entire industry--promptly put all of us together.
Which really begs the question, why wouldn't you just put us together in the first place?
Is it too expensive?
Or are you just not thinking?
Work with me, people.
Because I love going on vacation**.
Tiffany, Queen of Complaints
*Asshole airline type people does not include my cousin, who designs airplane seats. I see that as very separate, indeed.
**A non-complaining type entry documenting exactly how much I loved this particular vacation will follow. Someday.
Meanwhile, please note that I'm struggling here. Now that I'm done with school, I find I have far less to complain about. It's really putting a damper on my style.
I can even find a way to complain about life being good.
I knew I had a talent...