Sunday, December 17, 2006

fuck snape

~attention all people who may be wanting to read the harry potter series, but for whatever reason have not gotten around to it yet: you may not want to read this post. i'm just saying.~

i came late to the whole harry potter thing.
harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban was already in book stores before i decided to read the first book.
people kept telling me i should read them, but i never really considered it.
wizards and sorcery and such just aren't my thing.
or so i thought.

finally, while preparing for my first thanksgiving trip to park city, i went out and bought harry potter and the sorcerer's stone. i'm not much of a skier*, so i imagined that there would be plenty of time to read while i perched myself next to the fire in my aunt and uncle's house. of course, that was before i knew of the relentless battle of the boardgames that would take place.

anyway, i think i probably took about 12 books with me.
on the plane, i started to read the harry potter. i don't like flying--as you all know--and i figured it would take the least concentration. you know, so i could still keep half of my brain focused on imminent death, or whatever.
but i'll be damned if that harry potter book wasn't one of the most delicious** things i'd ever read.

i read the entire book on the airplane on the way to utah.
and in the salt lake city airport, on the way to the baggage claim, i bought harry potter and the chamber of secrets.
i was hooked.

well, sort of.
a return to michigan brought a return to school, and a return to school sort of 86'd pleasure reading. i fell behind.
when someone gave me harry potter and the goblet of fire for my 25th birthday, i still hadn't read the third book.
in the end, i decided that was a good thing. had i been devouring the books as they came out, i would have turned into one of those freaks who is standing in line at the bookstore for hours on end when the new books come out, because they've been waiting two whole years since they'd finished the last installment.
i fancied myself to be quite clever.***

but then my plan crumbled to all bloody hell.

all of the sudden, last summer, the sixth book was coming out!
the sixth!

and i hadn't gotten around to reading the fourth.

i dug around my various book keeping places--bookshelf, car trunk, under car seats, everywhere in my car, really. finally i found the fourth book under my bed, and i got down to reading.
it was two days until the release of the sixth book, harry potter and the half blood prince.

a few days later, i was reading in my princess chair*** in the living room while john watched some weird show or another on this weird channel--i think it's called G4 or something. john watches it all the time, and from what i can see they just talk about video games a lot. of course, i'm no expert, as i'm usually sleeping or reading when john is allowed control of the remote.
anyway, in this particular case, it turned out to be a good thing that i was in the other room, because apparently the G4 people stopped talking about video games long enough to reveal some kind of REALLY BIG spoiler about the new harry potter book.
john came into the living room immediately, to give me the following lecture:

stop reading for a second, this is really important. i just found out something about the new harry potter book, and, trust me, you do not want to know what it is. if you're watching t.v., or if people are talking at the bar or whatever and they start to mention harry potter at all, just change the channel, or walk away or something. because you are going to be so pissed if someone ruins this for you. oh, and read faster! people are going to be talking about this a lot.

after badgering john for a few minutes to JUST TELL ME WHAT IT WAS ALREADY, i decided that he was right. it would be better if i read it for myself.
i stayed up that entire night finishing the fourth book.
the fourth book is not short, just so you know.

anyway, the next day i went to the bookstore and bought the fifth and sixth books with grandiose plans of reading for days straight.
the next day, i woke up early and read most of harry potter and the order of the phoenix.

then i went to the mall, to buy a birthday present for my niece.
at the mall, i walked by a man who was wearing a shirt that said 'dumbledore dies pg. 596.'

i cannot even begin to tell you how badly i wanted to follow that man around, yelling various mean things at him.
but, the grownup part of me realized that, of course, that kind of reaction was exactly what he was hoping for.
i mean, one doesn't wear that kind of shirt in public the very week that the fastest selling book of all time comes out because they're hoping to make people feel cheerful.

so, instead, i went home and moped.

and didn't read the book.

finally, last week, i decided that enough time had passed. (read: i ran out of other things to read, and all of the sudden i was all 'omg, i still didn't read the last harry potter!')
so i went digging around for my copy, and got down to business.

last night, i started reading at around page 500.
as i read on and on, getting closer and closer to the infamous page 596, i tired to remain calm--no big deal, i knew what was coming.
i was prepared.

well, bullshit to all that.
because no one told me HOW DUMBLEDORE WOULD DIE!!!
and, even pessimistic little me could never have anticipated such horribleness.

at first, i was just pissed.
i got on myspace and left my little sister***** a message that went like this:

oh my god, i hate snape.

now i'm crying and i'm the biggest loser of all time because this book has been out for a year and a half and i totally didn't know that was going to happen.


p.s. nice nose ring, though.

then i cried for a few minutes.
and then i went to bed.

but i was scared because i had just finished reading all that scary stuff, so i had to go to sleep with my head covered by the blanket, with just a tiny opening to breathe through, like i did when i was little.******

when i woke up this morning i was still pissed off, so i decided to blog about my whole shitty harry potter experience.

the end.

*which reminds me, i should REALLY tell you that story.

**what? is it weird to refer to a book as delicious?

***and sometimes reading harry potter books makes me write with a twinge of british inflection. apparently.

****the reddish one, which is pictured in my last post.

*****she turns 16 on wednesday. i linked to a picture of her on myspace, so you could see how cute she is with her little nose ring that she just got, but then i remembered that as she is SMART, her myspace is set to private, and you wouldn't be able to see it unless you are her myspace friend. which, you're not, i'm guessing.

******actually, i did this until i was about 23. but don't tell anyone.


Blogger Ashley said...

I waited in line to get the book right at midnight and I read it in a day because I heard something was going to happen and I didn't want anyone to ruin for me.

12:09 AM  
Anonymous ml said...

Yeah, i totally agree, fuck snape. And as enjoyable as the first 6 books have been, i'm excited that they seem to have really set up the tour de force finale. Very excited. And i, of course, will be in line at midnight on the release date (won't be the first time), as law school will not interfere with my reading of the final novel.

Furthermore, i was given some readage like two years ago, that i still have yet to get to. I figure that the best way to relax over xmas is to read something COMPLETELY the opposite of the caselaw i've been reading. As i'm up to date on the harry potter series, i'm going to read Eragon.
If you've read it... don't tell me.

12:27 PM  
Blogger tiffany said...

dude, we can wait in line TOGETHER.
and then we can go to the bar and have a reading race over beers and cocktails.
you will win the reading race, because i will be winning the cocktail race.

you know what's really crazy, though? the new book and the new movie--order of the phoenix--come out within, like, ten days of each other.

my brain could explode from harry potter overstimulation.
i'm so excited.

p.s.i'm also formulating a conspiracy theory where i think that harry potter himself might be on eof the horcruxes.

welcome, ashley!

12:34 PM  
Blogger Pete said...

i want to see your sister and her cute nosering! also i didn't read past the third book yet. i probably will someday.

7:54 PM  
Anonymous RUYaan said...

Yeah, I went to this Harry Potter party in downtown Howell where it was like 12 hours of Harry Potter madness, then at midnight everyone went into this little bookstore and waited for their copies, but we were smart and went to meijer and got it at like 12:15 and I stayed up and read it all night until like 7:30 am when I finished and this sentence is so long and I think I already told you this story before but oh well.
Sorry I didn't tell you how Dumbledore died. But, I had to make you read it because you are a serious slacker fo sho.

9:38 PM  
Blogger PWT said...

I cried too. Bastards!

1:17 PM  
Blogger tiffany said...

oh, pwt...thank goodness you're back!
i'd begun to think you'd froze to death or something.

3:51 PM  

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