still breathing

it's a little known fact that, when suffering from the flu, one tends to vomit up one's creativity, along with every single ounce of fluid in one's body.

i mean, i have been so sick, I COULDN'T EVEN WATCH T.V., PEOPLE.
seriously.
that was disturbing.

anyhow--i don't want to speak too soon, but i think i may be feeling better.
i just woke up, and this was the first time since saturday night that i was able to sleep for more than 75 minutes at a time.

i slept for 4 hours and 45 minutes!

amazing.

AND!
I DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO VOMIT ON MYSELF!

my stomach hurts, yes.
but i'm not nauseated, and i'm not dizzy.
i am currently sitting upright.

i even feel thirsty.
crazy.

i may survive this, after all.*

*when more energy finds it's way into my body (something which surely requires more liquid of any sort finding it's way in), i should maybe tell you about how my doctor scared me shitless and made me believe i was going to die yesterday.
it was fun.

another letter

dear inernet:

did you know that there's a stomach bug going around?

did you know that it's possible to keep puking even if you haven't eaten anything for more than 30 hours?

it is.

now i have to go before i vomit on my pretty new computer or fall out of my chair or something.

xoxoxo,
tiffany

never enough

even though today is friday--a night designated for partying--i decided to stay in THE ENTIRE DAY. well, i did go to the bank and the grocery store, but i returned home as fast as i could and put my pajamas back on, and settled in to begin working on a bunch of projects i should have started a long time ago.

i even let john borrow my car until tomorrow, so i'm REALLY not going anywhere. there is a lot of work i could get done: some changes i want to make to my blog, a sales-rewards system i should be figuring out for work (because it's supposed to launch on sunday), and blah blah other stuff, blah.

so far, i've taken a jacuzzi, watched a show about the mysteries of the bermuda triangle, and read a bunch of blogs.*

that was all really great.
but then the day took a turn for the worse.

it all started when i got a call from a maral volunteer, who wanted to know if i could donate some money. now, nine times out of ten if you call me and ask me for a donation (or to get me to pay a late bill...), you will have no luck because i won't have any money in my checking account.
today, i do have money in my checking account, so when he asked me if i would like to make a contribution, i said yes and got my debit card out of my wallet.

then he went on to tell me about a 'contribtution plan' of some sort that they were recommending people should sign up for.
in order to sign up for this plan, you have to donate SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS now, and another SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS would automatically be withdrawn from your account in six months, FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE YEAR.

let me just say that, when i pulled my debit card out of my wallet, i was thinking more along the lines of a TWENTY FIVE DOLLAR donation.

but, after his 'little request,' i seriously felt like any donation i could make was inadequate.
after he was finished explaining the 'contribution plan,' he asked so, is this something that works with your budget?
i think i laughed a little, and said sir, i'm really sorry, but that is so far outside of my budget that i just had a stroke thinking about it. he seemed a little miffed, which is why when he asked me exactly how much i could donate, i said fifty dollars instead of the twenty-five dollar amount that i originally had in mind. which was ridiculous, because fifty dollars is not really much closer to twelve hundred dollars than twenty-five dollars is. in the process of doing this i explained to the man that this cause is really important to me, and that i wished i could help more financially, but it just wasn't possible. i explained that i would be more than happy to volunteer some of my some time, if they had any need for that. and then he asked me if they could automatically withdraw another fifty dollars from my account in six months. i was so pissed, i couldn't even believe it. and then, in order to show this man how upset i was that he was asking me for more money when i'd just told him how broke i was, i told him yes.

seriously, people.
this has been a recurring problem in my life.
i have a really hard time telling people 'no.'
so, if you need something, just ask me. i'll probably do it. i just won't be happy about it.

anyway, what really made me mad about this exchange is that i really mean it when i say i would volunteer for this organization. my sister and my mom and i went with a bus caravan that they put together a few years ago, to D.C. for the march for women's lives. i have signed a million forms and petitions, signed up to volunteer twenty different times, and even called a few times during elections seasons to see if they needed help with anything--licking stamps, making calls, whatever.

they never wanted any help--just my money.
and, that's fine.
i don't have much money, but i always help when i can.
i just don't appreciate being made to feel inadequate about whatever money i can spare.

when i pulled out my debit card to make a donation today, i felt good.
i felt really happy to help a cause that i really believe in.

4 minutes later, when i put my debit card away, that good feeling was gone.
i felt...yucky.

to be honest, it reminded me of the homeless people that often come up to me on the streets of ann arbor.
i usually keep a few dollars in my pocket, so if someone asks me for money i can give it to them without opening my purse. now, we could have a never ending argument about whether or not i should give money to homeless people, especially since i now reside in my parent's basement. but, for me, it is simple: if i walk by someone and ignore them, i feel far worse about that than i feel about losing two dollars. so, nine times out of ten, i give a person money. especially if i'm walking somewhere by myself at night--i find it's the best way to end an encounter and walk away as quick as possible.
anyway, the thing about homeless people in ann arbor is--you never seem to give them enough. the other day a guy walked up to me and said if you can give me $9.50. i can get two orders of french toast at the fleetwood. and, more often than not, if i hand someone a dollar or two, they say come on, don't you have some more in your purse?
seriously. i know it sucks to be homeless and poverty is a huge problem and it's terrible and all that.
but doesn't this seem like a bit much?

anyway, that was the first yucky thing that happened today.
i returned to the blogosphere to cheer myself up.

and then i found this blog, by way of amalah's mommyblog round-up.
and then i sat in front of my (wonderful, beautiful, and fabulous in every way) computer, crying, as i read every entry.
you should go read it for yourself, if you don't mind becoming completely depressed for the moment. but i'm sure they could really use all the good energy that people must be sending their way, as their story makes it's way through the internet.
what struck me the most was how, in the course of one week (although certainly it often happens much faster than that) one's life can change beyond recognition.
my heart is just aching for this family. but, in a way, i guess that's not a bad thing. it's good to let your heart ache for other people once in a while. it gets you out of your own everydayness.

and when i say 'everydayness,' i mean stuff like this:





this is me, using my (wonderful, beautiful, and fabulous in every way) computer camera thing-thing to investigate the oldness of my face.
why?
because this evening when i went to the grocery store, i bought a bottle of vodka and WAS NOT ASKED FOR MY I.D. FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. now, of course when i go to bars where people know me, i don't get carded. but at liquor stores and grocery stores and such? not only do i always get carded, but--more often than not--the cashier asks me for my identification in a way which leads me to believe that they really don't think i'm going to have one.
apparently those days are over.
something horrible has apparently happened since last week, and i now look old.
so i couldn't help but spend some time investigating my face when i got home. i won't say how long i spent doing this, but you can go ahead and assume that i took more than just the two pictures above.

oh, in the second one, i'm doing a thorough study of what i believe is the culprit in this 'oldness' situation--the nasty wrinkle in between my eyebrows.**

~if you have any other ideas about what looks old about my face, feel free to NOT MENTION THEM. thanks.~

anyway, a few other depressing things happened as well. i don't want to go into detail, because i'm ready to do something else now. the best way to put it is to say that i had a few experiences that made me sad about the state of humanity--which is very depressing sometimes.
i was watching this story, about children growing up in poverty, and i was particularly touched by the stories of moochie and the irrestiable ivan. it was...heartbreaking.

and then there was the story i read over at whimsicalnbrainpan.
her story is worth reading, you guys. i hope she doesn't mind me pointing you in her direction, i really don't--and if i find out it's a problem i'll delete this as fast as i can. but, i know a considerable number of my readers already know her story. for those of you who don't, i urge you to visit her blog and read her 'fire' entries. she is a great writer, with a great story; it's a brutally honest story of survival, with none of the sappy, swelling music in the background. it's just the truth, and the truth is hard for everyone, even people whose situations aren't as difficult as hers. cheers to her for her ability to tell it like it is--to herself, and to us.
now, i know she doesn't want my pity about any of the things she's been through. and, what struck me the most about her story was that what i really got sad about, throughout the whole thing, was when i was thinking about the person responsible for what happened to her. what really got me down--what really took me to a bad place--was being forced to recognize the absolute evil that exists in the world. it's sickening--just absolutely physically sickening.

so, anyway.
that was my day.

how was yours?

*oh. i just re-read this and i suppose it should be noted that i originally started writing this at about 4pm, but then i saved it as a draft and did other stuff for a long time. but now you have an even more detailed account of what i did all day. hooray for blogging!

**which b.g. always loved to tease me about, when it first appeared. but, now? nature has intervened. b.g. is having a baby, and what do children do? they give you wrinkles. or, at least that's what my mom always told me.

and then there was one

this evening, i returned from work, triumphantly.





with the blue box.

you know what this means, right?

WE'RE HAVING A GIRL!!!

A MINI -B.G.!!!!!
WITH A LITTLE TIMMER MIXED IN!!!!!

of course, now you can tell that i wanted a girl. but, for the record, i would have adored a baby boy, too. in fact, in the long run a boy might have been better for my bank account--i don't know, i just find it harder to resist buying tiny little girl clothes. (and shoes! omg, the shoes.)

b.g. and timmer were totally convinced they were going to have a boy. (i think mostly because when b.g. and i were in key west in july a very old palm-reader guy told her that she was going to have two boys. to be honest, i was a little worried that it would turn out to be true--the thing is, i remember being at the palm reader and being really blown away by what he told me. unfortunately, i can't remember a damn thing he said. because i was drunk. yes, me. don't act all surprised. anyway, now that i know he wasn't spot-on in his predictions, i can stop mourning the loss of those memories. bonus.)

i really wish i could have seen the looks on their faces when the technician told them they were having a girl. seriously, that is a memory i wouldn't mind having. but they did a few re-enactments for me, so i guess that's good enough.

what i will always remember is how incredibly excited i was all day today. i had to go into work at 10:30, and they didn't show up until about 4. (their appointment was at 2.) while i waited, i paced around the restaurant like a lunatic, and watched out the window for their car. seriously, i found myself peeking out the window at 2:25. you know, just in case.
and remember the two boxes? i re-arranged them about four thousand times--one end of the bar to the other, on a table, on another table, on top of the red bull cooler, and back again. my boss was highly entertained.

but then they showed up and didn't tell us for 8 whole minutes!
i thought my head was going to explode.

in the end, the whole thing was completely perfect. both of our bosses were there, and we had j-flo on the phone. when they FINALLY decided to tell us the news, b.g. got up to pick a box. as she was walking over, our boss made a 'tubby-ass' joke of some kind. she responded i'm not tubby! i'm pregnant with a..., and then the trickster reached toward the blue box, and at the last minute reached over, grabbed the pink box, and shouted WITH A GIRL!!!!!!

oh my god, it was so awesome.

i'm just really glad that there wasn't anyone else in the restaurant at that time, so they didn't see me go completely nuts.
i yelled NO WAY!, and then OH MY GOD, SHE PICKED THE PINK BOX! SHE PICKED THE PINK BOX! OH MY GOD, PINK! PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK! oh yeah, and there was also the jumping and the dancing. and then we all did a celebratory shot, and we even let b.g. have a shot of sprite.

it was a good day.
it was a really, really good day.

she's having a baby

no, not me!

her:



oh yeah, and that guy she's with is involved, too. hi timmer!

anyway.
the girl pictured above is b.g.
if you've been reading for a while, you will recognize her as my best friend.
she's been metioned here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and also here. and that's a lot.

b.g. probably knows me better than anyone else in the whole world. we lived together for a little over 5 years, and i swear she knows things about me that no one else has any idea about. and thank god for that!
she knows things about me that i wish i didn't even know about myself--you know, those really ugly parts of ourselves that we try to pretend don't exist? the insecurites and fears and angers that we try not to let motivate us? yeah, she totally knows when they're motivating me. i can't fool that girl for one second.

and she loves me anyway. and i love her, too--even though she could say all the same things about me.
i really think that's saying a lot, when someone knows those parts of you, and they don't run screaming from the room.

but, anyway.

b.g. is having a baby, which is pretty much the hugest thing which can ever happen to a person.*
tomorrow, she and baby-daddy will find out what flavor the baby will be.

afterwards, they are going to stop by and visit me at work, so she can tell me in person what flavor of baby they are having.

i'm going to surprise them by setting out these two boxes:



then, they can choose the appropriate box** (yes, we are overlooking stereotyping for this one) and open it. i will know if the baby is going to be a boy or a girl, and they will have their first pink or blue baby clothes.

i also have this little treat for them, which can be enjoyed by both boy and girl babies:



in fact, i think i enjoy it quite a bit myself. i hope i don't accidentally keep it.
that wouldn't be very nice.

anyhow, the point is, i'm so excited for tomorrow, i think i might pee my pants.
(but, you probably guessed that already).

oh, and here's a picture of me and b.g. and j-flo:



i'm the only non-pregnant person in that picture, and that kind-of makes me happy enough to pee my pants, too.
you can tell because i'm the only one holding a glass of champagne, even though this picture was taken on new year's eve. the crown, however, is completely unrelated to who may or may not be pregnant. i have the crown BECAUSE I RULE, and it really is as simple as that.

p.s.
you guys? you know how they say that pregnant women glow?
tell me that b.g. isn't glowing in both of those pictures. i mean, i've been looking at her for years, and i think she's never looked as vibrant. but, you guys? some of you have seen some drunk pictures of her (from before she was pregnant, thank you) on this blog before...but i think she's so glowing, that even a person who has never seen her before would notice. so, what do you guys think. is she, or is she not glowing?

*this isn't to say that one's life is destined to be empty and meaningless if one doesn't have children, i just think that the single act of having a child probably changes one's life in a bigger way than anything else could.

**umm, yeah. i like ribbon. a lot. it makes me very happy. last christmas, my mom broke her wrist and the night before christmas eve i spent about 6 hours wrapping presents--about ten or so gifts that i had for people, and about a million that she was giving away. it was the best. ribbon everywhere. fabulous.

who decided that this man should ever be allowed to speak? oh, yeah. it was us. oops!

ok, so we're about 6 minutes away from gwb's 6th state of the union adddress.
here's hoping that we get to see some fun stuff like this...



i think i'm going to go make myself a drink.

8:59pm they were just talking about how this might be the most hostile audience at a state of the union address since nixon. if gwb were a smart man, he would have made sure the audience had the proper supplies.
see below.



because, i don't like that man, but i can tell you that i'm not feeling hostile at all.
not yet, anyway.

9:09pm here he comes. i got a little bit of a pukey feeling when i saw his smug little face, but no hostility.

9:12pm i must say, it's pretty awesome to see the first woman speaker EVER introduce the president. whether you're liberal or conservative--this is definitely a historical moment. and gw is being awfully gracious. good for him. hostility level? still zero.

9:16pm 3 minutes down, no major speaking problems yet. i can feel it coming though, can't you?

9:17pm no, i don't feel bad for saying that.

9:18pm we should balance the federal budget? what? i've never heard such a thing! you are such an innovator! especially since you just said you can do it without raising taxes--oh, wait, i just got a song stuck in my head. it goes like this: liar, liar, pants on fire...

9:20pm he made a joke. and didn't suck. ear marks do suck, though. so i guess i just agreed with him on something.

9:21pm you know, i've never met anyone who worked in a public school (and i know a lot of them) who didn't think 'no child left behind' was a terrible idea.
***my mom just said you can teach chimpanzees to pass tests. is that all that matters?

9:24pm health insurance is a good thing. other than that, i have no idea what's going on right now.

9:27pm ooooh, here comes the immigration part.

9:27pm still raise your hand if you can't trace your family heritage back to immigrants who came here from some place or another.
***come on, i know there must be at least one or two of you out there!

9:29pm did he just say we need to uphold the tradition of the melting pot, by helping immigrants assimilate into our society? i thought i heard him say that. hmmmm.

9:31pm bio-diesel fuel...grass...woodchips...blah blah....no idea what's going on. wait...reduce dependency on foreign oil? reduce ammount of oil we use? am i hallucinating? seriously, i've only had, like, 3 sips of my drink so far.

9:33pm holy poop, i think i just heard gw say the words 'global climate change' in a way that made it sound like he actually believes it could possibly exist. is it my birthday? i'm seriously a little freaked out right now.

9:35pm now we're talking about 'taking the fight to the enemy.'

9:36pm can't we all just get along?

9:36pm alright, here's the gw i know, providing us with a long list of terrorist threats we should be crapping our pants over.

9:41pm this is me, TOTALLY BORED OUT OF MY MIND WITH HEARING ABOUT THIS FUCKING WAR.



9:43PM iraq iraq iraq hezbollah syria iraq iraq iraq sunni legitimate government sectarian violence it's the fight we're in we all wish this war was over and won but it doesn't make sense to leave now and abandon our friends* blah blah towards victory blah.
*yeah, packing up and moving all our troops right at this very second probably isn't a good idea. but is it really any more nonsensical than starting this war to begin with?

9:46pm insurgents and roaming death squads. yummy!!!

9:47pm i have to pee.

9:48pm yes, i understand that failure in iraq would be bad. that it would make us look bad, and leave the region really unstable. but, we look really bad NOW. and the region is really unstable NOW. for the record, i'm not saying i have a better idea--i'm just saying six in one, a half dozen in another. but, if one of those six includes LESS DEATH AND DESTRUCTION...i'd probably choose that one. call me sentimental.

9:49pm sweeeeeeeet, he just threatened us with 9/11 again. and i would too, if i were him. we bow down like a bunch of cowards and go along with anything when threatened with that stuff.

9:52pm dude. i totally think gw is, like, listening to my thoughts. i just said i was bored of hearing about the war in iraq, and so now he's talking about how we have to stop iran! he is so considerate of my feelings.

9:54pm dude. he just mentioned darphur. maybe he really is reading my mind.

9:56pm ELIMINATE POVERTY!!!!! sounds good. let's do it.

9:57pm still have to pee.

9:58pm missing and exploited children make me very sad.

9:59pm yay for this julie lady who is doing something i didn't quite hear to help missing and exploited children. also, yay for this guy who jumped in front of a train or something to save someone.

10:00 i don't understand war, at all. i wish we could do away with it altogether. still, i can't help but get i little bit teary when i see the entire congress turned around to applaud that sergeant that they had seated up next to laura and lynne. i'm sure he deserved it, and i hope it was as special a moment for him as it looked.

10:02 and he's done.

10:04pm and i'm going potty.

p.s. i really feel that none of you should be denied the rule that d.b. echo came up with for the state of the union drinking game:

If the President uses the word “nucular” at any point, stand up and shout at the TV “IT’S ‘NUCLEAR’, YOU F***ING MORON! NUUU-KLEEE-ERRRR! HOW HARD IS THAT TO PRONOUNCE???!!!” Drink the entire contents of the nearest bottle of alcohol and hurl the empty bottle at the TV. Then stomp off to bed, cursing the more than six million fellow-morons who voted for Bush in 2004. Lie awake wondering how you’ll pay for a new TV.

seriously, it is a good thing i had just gone to the bathroom, otherwise we all know what would have happened.

things to come

just a friendly reminder...
i will be live-blogging the state of the union address tonight.

of course, what that means is that for fifteen minutes i will get pissed and say mean things about the president, and then i will get bored and talk about my toe-ring. or something.

anyway, i think john stewart put it best last night on the daily show,

when he said:
"the state of the union address matches two bitter rivals: the president of the united states, and words. as we speak, words hold a 3:2 advantage."

if you didn't see it, i strongly suggest that you check it out, by clicking his handy-dandy link that i've made just for you.

happy tuesday, internet!

the thing about hillary

i should preface this story by stating that, if hillary clinton were to become the democratic candidate in the next presidential election, i would absolutely vote for her.
hands down.

the thing is, i don't want her to run.

not because i think she would do a bad job, but because i don't think i can handle two years of overhearing things like this:

saurday night, i was bartending, as usual.
we have three huge flatscreen television screens behind the bar, each of which was showing a different sporting event.
one of the games ended, and the news came on.
an image of hillary clinton appeared on the screen--an image, mind you. you couldn't hear what she was saying, because the volume wasn't on.

anyway, she hadn't been on the screen for 10 seconds when a man sitting at my bar YELLED 'oh, no fucking way. change the channel right now, i am not watching this blonde bitch.'
we all know how much i enjoy being spoken to in this manner, so i was already getting pissed off, of course.

i changed the channel anyway, though. mostly because i thought i might have to punch somebody in the face if i had to listen to that guy run his mouth anymore.

sadly, it was a wasted effort.

another guy at my bar decided to talk about how ridiculous it is to think that there could ever be a woman president.
his main argument was that if we had a woman president, we would be nuking another country once a month, when said woman got pms.

so, the thing is, i really don't want to have to claw my own ear drums out of my head.
but i may very well do just that, if i have to listen to people talk like this.

and, you know what?
they will.

it will be brutal, it will be relentless, and it's already making me absolutely sick to my stomach.

p.s.
does this guy really think that hillary is still even getting her period? seriously, it's fucking absurd.
p.s.2
great. i have larry king on the t.v. behind me, and i swear he just said 'up next, we chat with so-and-so about senator hillary clinton throwing her hat--or, should i say, her bonnet--into the ring.'
so, yeah. that's nowhere near as bad as the 'nuking pilosophy,' but, still.
no, larry. you should not say bonnet. ass-hat.

supermodel or superfreak?

apparently my little sister found the 'photo booth' thinger on my new computer, and figured out that there are about sixty thousand ways to distort your face.

here is some of the evidence:












i think she liked it, because there are approximately sixty million more pictures just like these.
i'm sure she'll be super glad that i've shared them with you.

oh, and here's what she looks like without the spoecial effects:



yeah, that's not distortion. she looks like a jackass naturally, i guess.

a warning

so, i feel i should warn you guys that i feel a few political entries coming on.

last week i started thinking that i might 'live-blog' the state of the union address.
i mean, how fun would that be?
so that was kind of already on the burner, so to speak. add that to the fact that i've ALREADY heard my first (and second and third) blatantly sexist and crude remark regarding hillary clinton's announcement of a presidential run , and the fact that john finally came out and told me what he thought of the recent turnover of affirmative action here in michigan,* and yeah--that's quite a few political entries, all of which i'm itching to write RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.


so, before any of these entries appear, i would like to make it clear that i really have no idea what i'm talking about, most of the time. sure, i minored in political science, but that's mostly theory. if you want a summary of the republic or the leviathan or the social contract and how they did and did not shape our democracy, i'm your girl. i can also help with any essays concerning the romantic rebellion in britain, dickens, post-colonial literature, and postmodernism--most of the concepts of literary theory and lingistics can also be discussed in some detail. need an essay on something i haven't covered? well, of it's only a 100 or 200 level class, i can probably get you at least an A-minus. my bullshitting skills are NOT to be underestimated. seriously.**

anyway, the point is this (maybe)...

you might very well disagree with my 'political entries.'
here's a hint--if you like GWB and think he's doing a fine job as president, you will almost certainly not agree with me.
and i'm totally ok with that, if you are. i have plenty of friends who couldn't disagree with me more. in fact, i hear this statement at least once a week, 'oh tiffany, as soon as you actually have some money, you'll be a republican.'
which? i hope not. i mean, the fact that someone would make that statement basically emphasizes one of the main things that keeps me out of the republican category. but, whatever.

the thing is, if you disagree, or i say something that super pisses you off, just keep it in the back of your mind that i honestly do already know how big of an idiot i am. i am no sort of expert on any of the political things that i discuss--i only have opinions, not facts. there may be certain facts i can use to back up my opinions. but, likewise, there will be facts available to back up opposite opinions.

the universe is cool like that, you know?

i guess it could be best said that, my blog is called if i were queen of the world, not i am the queen of the world, now bow down before me, bitches.

so, anyway, yeah. i guess that's about it.
consider yourselves warned.

*as it turns out, john is totally glad that affirmative action was reversed in michigan in the mid-term elections. i suspected this before, but i didn't actually KNOW his opinion before last week, because john is very smart and he knows that when he disagrees with me, he isn't supposed to speak. anyway, last week we were listening to talk radio and i swore at the talker-guy for saying something about people whining about affirmative action, and john decided to 'school me' in why affirmative action is horrible. (his story, for he record, is that affirmative action is bad because you can't fight racism with racism. but, more on that later). my favorite part of the conversation was when he told me that he voted the way he knew i was going to vote, even though he didn't agree with it. now, people? i did not tell him to do that. but i do think it was mighty considerate of him, so i had to forgive him for otherwise being an asshole about the issue.

**i'm not proud of this (well, i am in some ways...) but, the semester my dad died, i had 18 credit hours. one of my classes was lit 450--recent trends in british and american literature. there were 22 novels on the syllabus, and i didn't read a single one of them. since then, i've read 18 of them, because i'm kind-of ridiculous like that. but, during the semester, i just couldn't do it. but i still got an A in the class, because i went everyday and listened to the class discussions and then wrote kick-ass essays. i never even had to tell my teacher what was going on with my dad. so, anyway, if you need some good bullshitting, just let me know. i'm available.

in which i'm very glad that my computer chair is super-comfy.

yes, i'm still staring at my computer.
what of it?

because sleeping dogs have no business lying down

i stumbled across this video tonight, while i was experiencing HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS of enjoyment in front of my new imac. anyway, it seemed fated that i would find this after the discussion that unfolded* in my comments section yesterday. so, in the name of absolute ridiculousness, i now present a video that says 'the eff word' A LOT.

and, people?
BE WARNED!!!!

this is a video montage chronicling every time 'the eff word' is used in The Big Lebowski. so, i don't know if you've seen that movie, but if 'the eff word' makes you gag? i would not watch this video.
i promise i'm going to post something else in a few minutes, so you can entertain yourself in a less vulgar fashion.



*and, when i say 'unfolded', what i mean is, i got a little defensive. but, at the same time, i thought out and explained my feelings on an issue that i've been thinking about for a while. at some point, every blogger has to consider their boundaries--when and why and how much to self-edit. it's really a never-ending process. so, yesterday was just another brick in the wall, i suppose.

the view from here

mere hours ago, i existed in a state of computer sadness.
i spent hours checking emails and blogging and myspacing and whatnot--well, okay, i would have done that anyway...but i spent EXTRA hours due to the unfathomable slowness of my old computer. which had also started making a scary 'i may die any day now' type of noise.

but now, life has been changed entirely.
no, i'm not exaggerating. how could you insinuate such a thing?
in fact, i feel a little bit like the queen of the world.

please say hello to the big glowing box of happiness.



and, when i say 'big' glowing box of happiness, i totally mean it...



see? i had to take out a whole shelf on my computer desk, just so my lovely computer could fit into its new home.

no, i'm not bragging! how could you insinuate such a thing?

anyway.
so that's what my new computer looks like.

oh, and apparently, this is what i look like to my new computer:*



and, no...i'm not pissed off.
that, friends, is the face of a girl falling in love.
with a piece of machinery.


anyway, cheers internet!
it's been a good day in tiffanyland!


*although, my computer is watching me? that's a little creepy. i mean, do i have to brush my hair everytime i want to check my email now? i guess as long as i have my coach purse sitting near me, i'll be fine.

best. day. ever.

attention, internet:
this is the very last post i will ever write from this computer.

i think i just peed my pants.

why?

because the fed ex guy just got here with my new imac.

i think i might have scared him a little bit, what with the way i came running out the door.
jumping.
and screaming.

i also hugged him a little.

anyway, i have to go now, so i can take this piece of crap computer off my desk and replace it with the new computer of glory and wonder, which is currently waiting for me on the kitchen counter.

see you in a few.

fuck yahoo*

so, i'm not making a political or scientific statement here, at all--i'm just saying that when i turn on the internet, THIS QUAINT LITTLE STORY THAT POPPED UP ON THE YAHOO HOME-PAGE-THING-THING is MOST DEFINITELY NOT WHAT I WANT TO SEE.

i'm just saying.

so, on that note...

****

dear yahoo,
why don't you just put a big red blinking sign on your home-page-thing-thing that says 'attention people! you will all be dead soon!'
seriously.
perhaps you weren't aware of this before, but i do not deal well with scary things such as doom's day clocks which are being sped up.
i'm pretty sure i already exist in a constant state of near-nervous-breakdownness, so if you could just keep that in mind, that would be great.
thanks,
tiffany

****
*ok, i'm sorry that i just had to say 'fuck' to you. and in the title, no less.
if you've been reading this blog for a while, you may have noticed that i've been saying 'fuck' a lot less than i used to. i mean, i haven't given it up altogether--i've just been using it less. but seriously. it seemed appropriate in this case.

confessions

so, i have something to tell you guys.

i read 'mommy-blogs.'

i'm not a mommy, i'm not planning on becoming a mommy--at least not anytime soon, but i read mommyblogs. everyday.

i think it started when i stumbled across amy's blog, over at amalah.com. i wish that i could remember how exactly i found it, but i can't. i do remember that it was something ridiculous--like i googled something, looking for some piece of information or another for a paper i was working on for school, and it led me to her blog. i wasn't really into blogs yet at that time, but i did go back and check it out every once in a while.

it wasn't until she wrote this post, about being pregnant for the first time and seeing her baby on the ultrasound, that i got hooked.
i mean, when she captions one of the pictures of her baby's skull on the ultrasound with 'I AM SKELETOR, FROM THE PLANET EYE SOCKET FURY OMICRON 8. ALL YOUR CHEERIOS ARE BELONG TO US?' i was hooked. i mean, is that not the funniest thing you've ever read?

so, while i liked amalah before, i didn't start to love her until she was a 'mommyblogger.' i think it's coincidence, but a fact, nonetheless.

anyway, obviously my love for her blog makes sense, because as it turns out, a lot of people love her and that is why she got to quit her job and stay at home, with her son (who is no longer in utero), where people pay her to blog.
seriously, how awesome is that?

anyway, the whole reason that i'm confessing my 'mommyblog love' is because of something i found on one of the blogs that amy now gets paid to write.

earlier today, she linked to a blog i'd never heard of before. and this post moved me to tears. like, four times. i'm not kidding.

you REALLY MUST GO READ IT.
it's not that long, and it's totally worth it.

even though i'm not a mother myself, this post really spoke to me.

i'm not proud of this, at all, but i used to get really freaked out when i would see a 'disabled' person (even a child) of any sort.

the thing, for me, was this:
i was pretty sure that, if nothing else, most disabled people don't want to be treated as though they are 'different.' that, i'm sure, is not true one hundred percent of the time, because nothing ever is. but, anyway. my point is that i would always get this tremendous sense of guilt when i would walk by a disabled person and find myself 'ignoring' them. but, i walk by most people and 'ignore' them. i mean, i'm not from the south. we are not friendly people, above the mason-dixie line, or whatever the hell it's called! ok, i mean, it's not that we're not nice, per say, it's more that we're not all that friendly to strangers, i guess.

anyway, i guess that was my attempt to explain my conundrum.
i mean, i could walk by people without acknowledging them all day long, but when i would walk by a disabled person, i was afraid that they would think that i was ignoring them BECAUSE of their disablity.
but if i would make eye contact with them, and smile, and say some generic greeting of some sort--i don't know, that seemed forced and yucky and fake as well.

it took me a while to figure out that letting myself think about it this much is probably the one thing that the disabled person definitely wouldn't want.

so, i got over it.

oh, and i also started making an effort at being more friendly to people in general, with mixed results. there are probably some blog worthy stories in that vein, but for now?

i'm sleepy.
go read the stuff i linked you to.

p.s.
if you've never read amalah, you should totally read all her archives. in order.
she is definitely worth the time.

always look on the bright side of life...

today was one of the worst days i've had in a really long time.
remember last week, when the full out fight broke out on my blog (and in the comments section)?
that was nothing, compared to this.

i raised my voice today, louder than it has been raised IN YEARS...
and that was only in response to the yelling that someone else was doing to me.

which was completely uncalled for, i might add.

the worst part is, this wasn't some asshole at the bar, but someone whose love and respect i am used to having unconditionally.
so, yeah.
today sucked.

but, i don't feel that i can do justice to the sadness in writing--at least at the moment--so instead i'm going to talk about the thing that's making me happy right now.


i am happy to announce that i have ordered my new computer.
and!
there was a deal going on!
and i got a better computer than i thought i could afford, for less money than the original computer was going to cost!

try not to pee yourselves with excitement.

anyway, as you may remember me mentioning, i'm planning on improving my blog quite a bit once my computer arrives. (probably on tuesday!!!!!)

i already asked for advice about which blog-hosting-type-place i should use. the only answer i got was a place called wordpress, which i was already thinking of using. the other two places i was considering are typepad and vox. so if anyone has any ideas about why one might be better than the other, i would love to hear about it.
oh, and yes, i know that you have to be 'invited' to vox, or whatever. which is lame, for sure, but i have been invited. so we're all good on that front.

but i still need your help.

i'm thinking i want to change the name of my blog.
see, when i started this grand adventure, i thought that i would write posts about things that pissed me off or bothered me in some way, or whatever, and then i would end each one with a line like 'if i were queen of the world, this would have happened like...' or some other such schticky nonsense. you know, kind of like roseanne roseannadanna and her 'it's always something' tagline on old school SNL, which i just tried to find an example of on youtube, to no avail.*

but anyway, i never ended up doing that.

and i think that my blog might need a new name, when it gets a new home and a new face.

i've been thinking and thinking AND THINKING about this, i'm embarrassed to admit, for months.
the only new name i can come up with is 'the adventures of super tiff.'

b.j. and b.g. both like it, probably because they remember when people actually used to call me 'supertiff.'

john, however, thinks it is the dumbest name OF ALL TIME.

so, can anyone come up with an idea?
can i offer you a prize of some sort, if you come up with the best idea?

how about this...
if someone comes up with a VERY good idea--one that really fits me, you know?--i promise i will read your ENTIRE** blog, right from the first post you ever wrote, and use everyting i learn about you to buy you a present. and i'll even send it to you.

and, people?
i am a really good present buyer.
seriously.
so, if i were you, i would get motivated.

*however, if you have no idea who 'roseanne roseannadanna is? i highly suggest you look into it.
**although, i've already read the ENTIRE blog of most of the people who comment here. but, still--that doesn't mean that you won't get a good present.

thanks, and also, wtf?

i would like to thank everyone who celebrated 'de-lurking week' with me this year.
17 is certainly a big improvement on the 2 from last year--and most of you were people who had never commented before, so, you know, bonus.

this concludes the 'thanks' part of this post.

in other matters, though, are all the other people who refused to join in the joyful celebration. i mean, someone in mountain view, california read this entry four times and still couldn't bring themselves to leave a comment.

strange.

oh, and then there's all the people who came by for the first times and didn't say anything.
for reasons that i do not understand, this post generated a lot more hits than i normally get.
i really have no idea why that is, for i am not a very smart person.
anyway, people in:
oklahoma city
berlin
raleigh, north carolina
somewhere in sweden
beijing
springfield, missouri
greenville, south carolina
roanoke, virginia
berrien springs, michigan
and
watervilet, michigan all stopped by for the first time, stuck around for a while, and then left without saying anything.

so, that's the first part of the 'wtf?' part of this entry.
and i do plan on writing something of some sort of interest at some point in the near future, in the hopes that maybe i'll be able to bring a few of these people out of hiding--or, at least convince them to keep coming back.

but, today is not that day, due to the extremely tragic nature of the second 'wtf?' part of this entry, which goes like this:

i did not sleep last night.
at all.
for no particular reason that i can think of.
i was all snuggled in and very sleepy by 2am, but at 10:30 this morning i was still awake.
i tried taking a jacuzzi--no luck.
i took tylenol pm--nothing.
i finally fell asleep for an hour at about 1:30 this afternoon, and now i get to go bartend until 3am.

i feel like maybe this is not going to be a good thing.

so, anyway.
wtf?
i think that about sums it up.

p.s.
everyone who left (or perhaps still might...)leave a comment on the de-lurkification post will get a link on my links list.
yup, you heard me.
a link.
on MY LINKS LIST.
and we all know how valuable that is.
(read: not very)

the great lurker expose of 2007

so, it's that time again.
you know, 'delurking week.'

what is a lurker, you ask?
well, i'll give you a hint. if you come to this blog--or any other blog--on any kind of a somewhat regular basis and read to your little heart's content and then go away without saying anything? then you, my friend, are a lurker.

so, celebrate!
it's your week!

i celebrated de-lurking week last year.
and, when i say 'celebrate,' what i mean is, i stomped my feet and insisted that anyone who was reading my blog without commenting leave me a comment.
two whole people who had never commented before decided to leave a comment that day.

so, i don't want to be too ambitious or hopeful, but i'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, more than two of you will celebrate with me this year. mainly because my sitemeter thing tells me that there are a lot more people reading my blog now than there were a year ago. oh, and speaking of my sitemeter--you know what else it does?

it tells me where you people are reading from.
how fun is that?

it's so fun, i think i'll use it to call you out.
so now, in the joyful spirit of de-lurkification, i present a list of towns/cities where mysterious people who i don't know are reading my blog. (this list is not complete--it only represents places where i'm sure i don't know anyone, and i can't figure out who these people are).

places where people read my blog in hiding:

1. danville, california. hello out there! how are you! do you know how to type? prove it!

2. lansing, michigan. happy wednesday, lansing! how's it going over there?

3. mountain view, california. what's up, yo?

4. schenectady, new york. hi! the name of your town is fun to say! it is not as fun to type.

5. moraga, california. i have never heard of this place, but hello! how's it hanging?

6. waterville, ohio. hello, mr./mrs./miss/ms. ohio! i like ohio, because usually if i'm there it means i'm on my way to key west. and that is ALWAYS a good thing.

7. livonia, michigan. this one is a bit of a misnomer, because i'm sure i do know a lot of people in livonia. i just don't know which person this is. because they don't comment. so, hello person! talk to me!

8. yonkers, new york. hello, yonkers! this is kind-of a fun name, too. what's up with new york and all the good city names? perhaps you could tell me in some kind of a comment! what a novel idea! p.s. now i keep thinking about that movie, lost in yonkers, which i've never seen. have you seen it? was it good?

9. los angeles, california. now, this COULD be my best friend from forever, jobi, who i've talked about before. but, i'd like to think that, if it were her, she WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING ALREADY. but, then again, it could also be my cousin, rumplebutt. i just can't be sure, BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE NOT COMMENTING THING. i'm just saying.

10. kissimmee, florida. hello, kissimmee! does disney world cease to be fun if you live right next to it? because i REALLY like disney world. i don't know, there's just something about that castle that makes me really happy. and it's WAY better than the piss-poor castle they have at disneyland. so, yeah. kissimmee pretty much rules, in my book. but, whatever.

11. fairbanks, alaska. hello, alaska person! you're new here, right? welcome!

12. upper marlboro, maryland. hi, have you seen my friend david? apparently he's recovering in a maryland hospital somewhere--after getting hit by a truck in china, which totally sucks goat balls, if you don't mind my saying so, but his mom stopped calling to give us updates and we don't know how to find him. so, if you've seen him, please let me know.

13. walnut creek, california. you're new too, huh? well, welcome to the random insanity. i hope you're having a good day.

so anyway, you should all go ahead and consider yourself served. and you'd better dance back.



seriously, people. de-lurkofy already.
even if you hate me with every atom of your being, and only ever visit my blog because it makes you happy to remind yourself that there is someone in the world dumber/meaner/uglier/whatever-er than you, you could still just say 'hi' this one time.
couldn't you?
please please please please please?

and also, please?

p.s.
a big thanks to miss zoot, who not only reminded me that it was 'de-lurking week,' but also provided me with an actual history of the event. she rocks, and you should go leave a comment on her site, too, because she's donating a dollar to hurricane katrina recovery for every comment she gets this week. see? that's rocking.

p.s.again.
just for the record, even if you're a reader who actually does leave comments sometimes, you're still encouraged to comment on this post, even though it's not directed at you.
because comments make me happy.
and happiness is a good thing, no?

tiffany's favorite songs

part one, in a three hundred million, forty seven thousand, six hundred and three part series.

so, i don't know about the video. but i wanted you to be able to hear the song--you know, if you wanted to.

i used to listen to this whole c.d. with this guy i used to date.
we met one summer--seems like decades ago, now. but, you know, i'm only 28. so i guess it wasn't really as long ago as it seems.

anyway, we met at the beginning of a summer, and at the end of it he moved to miami.
i used to go there whenever i could, to visit. i can't remember everything we did. i know we fought a lot, but i can't remember what we fought about.

what i do remember, is driving around in his car, at night, with the windows down, listening to this song.

i used to hang my arm out the window, lean my head back, close my eyes, and let myself get totally lost in this song. there were palm trees everywhere, and other big droopy trees with that crazy beautiful (even though it actually kills the trees)moss hanging down all over the place. you couldn't see the ocean most of the time, but you could smell it everywhere. it was like, if you got out of the car and took two steps in any direction, you would be wading in saltwater.

it's hard to explain now.

but there was this feeling--maybe it had something to do with being so young and in love, or being so far away from home. hell, maybe it was just the humidity.
but it felt like anything was possible, and i think that's a feeling worth remembering once in a while.

and now for something completely different

****

dear youtube,

no, i don't want to watch a video of saddam hussein being hung.
but thanks for asking.

love,
tiffany

****

dear cnn,

i understand that you are frustrated that some people were able to sneak video cameras into the exectution of saddam hussein. i understand that these videos could potentially act as a catalyst for further violence and loss of life.
i'm with you, seriously.

but i think you might get your point across a bit more successfully if you weren't showing a loop of said video in the background, as you discuss, and discuss, AND RE-DISCUSSS THIS STORY INTO OBLIVION.

love,
tiffany

p.s.
did you know that i have a degree, and that i'm currently wasting my life away as a bartender? it seems to me that you could use my services.
send airfare, and i'll be in atlanta straightaway.
thanks.

once more, for the people in the back

~if you read this post and think to yourself, holy crap, who pissed tiffany off? then i am not speaking to you. but, go ahead and read along anyway. because isn't it fun to see me all riled up?~

yes, i recently moved back in with my parents.
yes, someone gave me a lot of money last week.
yes, i am going to use it to buy a new computer and go on a trip to hawaii.


and i can see where, if you only had time, or only cared to listen to me long enough to hear those three sentences, you might think of me as highly irresponsible and foolish.
but, you know what?

i actually say a lot more than that.
so, if all you can figure out about what's going on in my life can be summed up by those three sentences?
that's really your bad.

but, for the sake of clarity, i will try ONE MORE TIME.
and i'll even do it in list form, in case that helps.

1. i did not move back in with my parents because suddenly, at the age of 28, i forgot how to pay my own rent or take care of any other various task. i moved back home because my roommate had to move out, so she could take care of some very important business. namely, childbirth. as she was not planning on getting pregnant, i was not planning on losing my roommate. when faced with this SUDDEN problem, i decided to move into my parent's house for three reasons.
a. not only was i not financially prepared to live alone, i also have no desire to live alone.
b. my little sister was going to be graduating from college in a few weeks, and would be moving back in herself. i didn't want to rush off and move into whatever last minute apartment i could find, if there was a chance that we could get a place together if i was willing to wait a little bit.
c. i figured that, while i was at home, i might be able to take advantage of the financial situation and go to vegas with my friends or something.

that didn't exactly work out, because my dad decided that i have to pay rent while i live at home. it doesn't really suck, though, because he is going to save that rent money and give it back to me when i move out. but still, it doesn't exactly free up any of my income right at the moment.

2. little did i know, someone would be giving me a large check. which could be deposited into my bank account and turned into money. and spent.

3. i decided to spend some of the money on a new computer, because my computer is 5 years old, and it also just generally sucks balls. we all know that i can't live without a computer for more than 17 and a half minutes at a time, so i really don't consider this a frivolous purchase.
also, i have something called 'goals and dreams.' perhaps you have some of your own? anyway, mine become much more easily attainable when i get a mac and teach myself how to use this one very specific and very frustrating program which, sadly, one can only use if one has access to a mac.
so, there you go.

4. i decided to use the rest of the money to go to hawaii. i'm pretty sure this is where i lost you.
hawaii, you say.
sure.
that must be nice.
i wish i lived in my mom's basement and someone would give me a shit-ton of money so i could blow it on whatever and always get what i want, blah, blah, blah.

so, ok.
i'd rather not explain this to you, but i will because now you've pissed me off.

yes, going to hawaii is an enjoyable thing.
yes, i am excited to go.
yes, it is beautiful and relaxing, and above all, expensive.

but, more than any of those things, what i know about hawaii is that it is where my father would like his ashes to be scattered.

i've never told my father's story on this blog--i don't know if i ever will.
but, the person i'm speaking to in this post certainly knows the story. or, they've heard it, at least. i guess i can't be sure they were listening.

but anyway, it's because i know that they know my father's story that i'm so riled up about this right now.

i don't want to go into too much detail...
if i ever do bring my father's story to internet land, i will do it of it's own accord. i will not make it public in an attempt to defend my actions against the words of someone who should know better.

anyway, i will say this.

i didn't really speak to my father much for the last two years he was alive.
apparently, he wasn't REALLY communicating with anyone, because he got very very sick and by the time anyone else knew it was too late. there was nothing we could do but go to the hospital, and sit, and wait, and wonder if he knew we were there, if he was mad at us, or sad, or in pain--wonder if he was really even there at all--until the day we had to take him off of life support, when the only thing we could do, still, was sit there.
and wait.

i found out later, after he was gone, that he had been calling my work and trying to talk to me, regularly, for the entire year before he died.

i don't know why he didn't call my grandpa, or my uncle, or my mother or ANYBODY to find out my own phone number--maybe he was embarrassed to tell someone he didn't have it, i don't know--but, the point is, he didn't.
he called my work.
over, and over, and over again. whoever answered wouldn't give him my number, telling him that it was against company policy. sometimes i was actually at work, but they would say i was busy. if i wasn't there, they would say they didn't know when i'd be in again.
they thought they were doing me a favor, because they knew that i was, well, uncomfortable, to say the least, about speaking to my father.
maybe that's why they never even told me that he was calling--they just didn't want to stress me out.

i mean, they didn't know he was going to die.

but, he did.

he died, thinking that i hated him, i think.

and there is absolutely nothing i can ever do about that.
ever.

but i can take his ashes to the one place where i know he repeatedly returned during his life, with various loved ones, and felt happy.

i can take him to a place where he used to take me when i was young, a place where i can remember us being happy together.

that place happens to be hawaii.

i didn't pick it, he did.

and i will take him back there, because it is the only thing i can do.

and if you still think this is a waste of my money, then you can fuck right off.
because, honestly? i can't think of anything more important than this.

damn hippie liberals

when i was growing up, winter in michigan was awesome.

there was nothing better than going to bed at night, watching the snow come down, and knowing that there was a really really good chance that school would be cancelled the next morning.

after really big snowfalls, my dad would shovel the deck in our backyard and pile all the snow into the stairway that led from the deck into the backyard. together, we would make a cave into that snow pile. sometimes we would get fancy and use this snow-brick-maker thing that we had.
on more than one occassion, the cave ended up being big enough for both of us to get in at the same time.

i still live in michigan--i always have--but the winters are very different now.
my mom works in an elementary school, and they haven't had any snow days yet this year.
last year, they didn't have any at all.

i went to park city, utah--a freaking mountainous region--for thanksgiving.
i went up north to boyne mountain--not really a mountainous region, but it tries--for christmas.

still, it's january 4th, and i think i've seen exactly two snowflakes fall out of the sky so far.

they disappeared before they hit the ground.

why?
because it's too fucking warm!

for the love of pete, my dad was golfing two days before christmas.
in michigan!
because it was 60 degrees outside!
in december!

but, people?

do not be alarmed.

'global warming' is just a myth perpetuated by those damn hippie liberals.

cheers

there's nothing like staring at the empty whiteness of a blank microsoft word document with thoughts of the passing of another year running through your head to render you completely speechless.

or maybe that's just me.

anyhow, i'm sure that in the near future you can expect some sort of a more comprehensive 'new year' post--highlights and lowlights from the past year, speculation on possible resolutions and how quickly they will be broken. you know the drill.

but, for now...




...cheers, my dears.
i hope you all had a great night, and rang in the new year surrounded by your favorite people--or at least a nice bottle of champagne.